Dating and BC

pipers_dream

Yeah so I just got my dx on Thursday and talked to the surgeon today and have a bit more hope that maybe I won't have to have a full mastectomy, though the spider web appearance led me to believe this won't be an easy surgery. Then there's chemo, and well you guys know better than me what I'm facing. What truly truly sucks about this though is that I'm in that "talking to" stage with a man I like really really well. We live 4-1/2 hours apart so we were already trying to figure out how to make that work and now this. To his credit, he didn't disappear when I told him what's going on and has even been very concerned, but has anyone ever started a relationship in the middle of something like this or do you just put all that on hold and hope he waits? (I've never ever had an actual "love of my life" and this one has the potential to be just that and if he's not frightened off by the thought of me being boobless when he's never even seen my breasts--well he's a keeper I guess.) I guess I just don't really see yet what my life is going to be, but my guess is, not fun. For awhile anyway.

TrinityMorning

Hi Pipers Dream,

I'm new here and your post caught my eye because I am in the same boat. I just started getting to know a guy, but had my worrisome mammogram just before our second date.....I'm now facing double mastectomy, sentinel node biopsy, really hoping not chemo. I also think this guy has a lot of potential - really kind of seems like the one I've been looking for, but oh man, the timing! So far he says he really likes me and wants to stick around and be supportive in whatever ways I'll let him. I thought about putting it on hold, but think I will just try taking it one day at a time. If nothing else, it will be a great way to tell what he's like in the tough times. I don't think I have advice for you, but I'm very excited that you have something positive to help you through the not fun. The joy of getting to know a great man and the emotional roller coaster of that has been pretty weird in the middle of the BC roller coaster, but it is great to have some bright spots going on. Good luck!

pipers_dream

Oh my goodness TrinityMom, you said it when you said it's an emotional roller coaster. I fly from highs to lows to highs and back again. You're almost at the same place as me--we've had one date but then there is the distance so a lot of emails have gone back and forth and tg he likes to write as much as I do. I think the part that scares me though is that what if it doesn't work out and the pain of that is bad enough w/o BC, but with it I'm afraid it will be nearly unbearable. So, going slow. Real slow.

I'm really happy for you that yours wants to stick around and support you. How long have you had your dx? He sounds like a keeper already. Who would have thought that a couple of men would hang in there after one date and then this?

TrinityMorning

I was diagnosed with multi-focal DCIS on November 7th - it looks like you and I are just a week apart. I am a 40 year old widow....my 7 year old son and I had just started to get our lives feeling joyful again after his daddy passed away nearly 2 years ago.....I just started trying to date again a few months ago. Sigh. I do think its confusing now to have this dx and I feel like it sort of pulls things out from under me in terms of how I want to approach dating. I enjoy being independent, I love my job, I like being busy and having my own life and now suddenly I am on leave and scared. I also feel like it will hurt more if he decides to just be friends because I feel less able to find someone else. Reading these boards has helped, though - it sounds like a lot of women here have found wonderful, supportive partners post dx.

Good luck to you - I will be rooting for you all the way. What is your treatment plan at this point? I just got my surgery date for December 11th. I wish it were sooner, just want to get it over with, but apparently the universe is not revolving around my wishes.

Moderators

We are rooting for All of you!!!

Sparklekat

In the interest of disclosure I am 29 but I am also single, and while I don't have a love interest I just want to say that I haven't really been stopped from doing anything I wanted to do. Things haven't gotten done as quickly as I would like and I have to design my schedule around chemo but I still have a lot of plans. I am going to Disneyland next month, having a movie night with my co-worker and her nieces and nephews, having an after hours office party at work and then going to New York in January. I am doing chemo first and surgery in March. I know I will be down for like 3 weeks for surgery but that's manageable. Also, I got most of my moms house decorated for Christmas the weekend after my first chemo (chemo's on Friday); I have sewn place-mats and a table runner and purchased center pieces for my Thanksgiving table; and, started making some decorations for Christmas for my office and my sister. So ultimately, I feel like it's not really invading my life as much as I thought it would. Just a heads up for when you do eventually go through chemo.

pipers_dream

Sparklecat, that was very helpful. Thank you. From this perspective, it does look like something that will take my life over and I'm not ready to give it up. Glad to know that there is fun stuff between the icky stuff.

Sparklekat

haha and the icky stuff is not so bad when you realize it conveniently gets you out of activities you would otherwise endure. twice already i have said, oh i cant go to that, i have chemo that week.  hehehehe.....

christina0001

lol @ sparklekat

pipers_dream

Update, dream guy drifted away but is still writing--sort of. I think he only does when he gets bored so I'll let this go--I have no desire to be used just to entertain someone on a boredom evening. Here is the driving force in my life though and the reason I've fallen into such a depression lately and that's the fact that at 54 I have never had a "love of my life." Oh yes, much of that is my fault I admit--I married my best friend at 26 b/c the dating scene was just so depressing and I'd get into someone only to discover that he was already in a relationship or guys would just want to do it on the first date and then pout when I said no. (or worse--almost got date raped once in college) I got so sick of it I settled and thought for awhile that I'd made a wise decision but 5 years in I realized I'd made a mistake. No matter I thought--I'd made a commitment and stuck by it and had two beautiful girls that were my loves and I even got to be a SAHM and homeschool them for a few years. Then after 23 yrs and half my life later, he came out gay and I realized that he had never loved me--just used me for a cover. Oh he said he did, but he couldn't have loved me in the way I needed to be. I saw this as a new chance to find the love I'd craved for all those years but after 5 years it's looking thin on the ground and then I thought I'd met someone, but turned out he's not as interested as I'd hoped, and it's hard to imagine from this vantage point that any man will ever be interested in dating me from here on out. I'm often told that I"m very attractive but I don't get that many dates, so either they're all lying or there is something about me that keeps men away--I can't imagine that a dx of breast cancer would make that better.

I thought at first it was my age but I see plenty of other women my age who do a lot more dating. But it's not quantity of dates that I want--I want to meet the "one" because I've never had that. Even my parents weren't all that loving--I guess they did in their own weird way but it was a sterile atmosphere in our house and I'm a big softie--we have a lot of personality disorders in my family as well. It really is not going too far to say that if I were to come into the full knowledge that there is no right man out there for me I would lose my will to live. No, I'm not suicidal but I wouldn't want to go on. Yes I know this sounds like one big pity party and I should probably see someone but I don't think a counselor could take away my craving for that connection I so desperately want. (and no, I'm pretty sure I don't come off as desperate to the men I see but who knows what they see, really? Most of the men who like me are ones I feel no strong emotional connection to and that is an elusive feeling for me--I just don't fall in love all that easily, and I would never lead someone on while trying to make up my mind.) So, I guess my point is that I think I can handle all the other stuff that goes with this crappy dx, but losing the chance at love is nearly unendurable to me.

Oh and Trinity, we're still at info gathering stage but I have an MRI scheduled for this coming Monday--a full two wks after the surgeon stated that we need one right away. Won't know anything about surgery until after that. Sparklecat, I had to laugh at what you said. Yes, I'm sure I'll be using that too.

TrinityMorning

pipers dream, I'm sorry that you are so discouraged. I have also been thinking a lot about how breast cancer is affecting/will affect my chances for a real relationship - for a true love in my life......I'm finding I'm looking at it from a different angle at different moments, but more and more I'm thinking that this can make me stronger and more amazing. Yes, my boobs will be messed up and guys are visual and that is crap. However, if I were to meet a guy who had come through, say testicular cancer, who had to have, say a testicle removed, who had absolutely been through the ringer facing fears, pain, barbaric treatments, a crazy ride of emotions, and had to deal with his own mortality - if I met that guy and he had come through it strong and allowed it to point him more firmly toward his best self, really knowing himself, his limits and how precious each day is......I would be pretty impressed. That's the kind of guy I would definitely be attracted to. I'm going to continue to hope there are guys out there who are smart enough to see the amazing deal they would be getting to get to know one of us......20- and 30-somethings (sorry if I'm offending any of you younger folks!) women can be lovely and all-natural uncarved/diseased/rebuilt breasts have a lot going for them....but anyone worthwhile is going to be looking for some character.......forgive my full-speed ahead cheerleading, but you are going to triumph in this, and someone is going to see that in you......maybe its a tiny bit awesome that only the greatest people will see it for what it is in you, which lends a natural screening process. Sometimes right now I appreciate positivity and sometimes I want to tell the cheerleaders to shut the hell up, so its ok if this isn't really helping - but maybe some of it will strike a little bit of a chord later (and then you can tell it back to me when I am feeling less gung ho). Be good to yourself today. There is totally still hope.

pipers_dream

Thank you Trinity, that did help and you're not too cheerleaderish lol. I guess I think similar thoughts during my more positive moments and I seem to be irrepressible--still checking out the men even as I'm going thru all this. I'll probably be pinching the surgeon's butt in the recovery room. (No I'm not that bad, but hey, I'll be looped.) I don't know why I"m so depressed anyway--I have one college girl home today and the other due to arrive in a few hours but as you know, the ramifications of this dx keep hitting, a little at a time--still sinking in I guess.

TrinityMorning

Yes, I feel like the ramifications come in little needly slivers from different angles and damn it, they hurt! It is okay to be depressed if that is just where you're at right now, you know? For me, I totally fight it and get mad at myself for being depressed, which does not help at all.....but it eases up more quickly if I just let those feelings come on and pass through. Enjoy your girls, and Happy Thanksgiving. Hugs.