New relationship with survivor

Neil_M

Hello, I am just starting a relationship with a breast cancer survivor. I have little previous experience with breast cancer, but of course I know this is the biggest part of her life, and has strongly shaped who she is. And she's amazing! I would like to learn more about the disease, which I can read up on, but what I really need to know is what I need to do to support her, be sensitive to what she went through, and the fear of a reoccurrence that she lives with daily. She has dealt with her disease on her own for the most part, and she is a very strong and independent person, but I want her to feel she can lean on me. She deserves that. How do I navigate this?

Moderators

wow, Neil, that is very touching, and we are so happy for both of you! Here is a great place to start. Also, take time to read our content, and articles on a healthy lifestyle. Sounds like you are both very lucky to have each other!

mdg

That is amazing that you would take the time to do all of this for your special gal!  She is lucky to have you!

I hope others will contribute an help you learn more.  I can only point out some things to consider from my perspective as a survivor of almost 3 years.

For me the fear of recurrence is there - not all the time, but it is always there in the back corner of my mind.  It is something that we all struggle with from time to time.  Sometimes it is harder to deal with than other times.  It is up and down.  I know for me it is not something I talk to my regular friends/family about much.  I mostly talk with my friends that have also had BC about this.  Not all women are this way, but I know many of us are.  She may not say much or talk to you about it much, but she is dealing with it at some level. 

As far as lifestyle - I exercise and try to eat organic/hormone free.  This can be hard when going out because food choices are limited.  If she follows a certain diet, be supportive.  The same with exercise...if she exercises encourage her and try to find some fun things you can do together to be active. 

BC is a life changing experience.  Many of us have become very different in many ways since our diagnosis and treatment.  I look at things differently than before and she may still be struggling with the person she was before and the person she is now.  Sometimes I am disappointed that I am not the way I use to be in many ways, but I am also happy that I have made some changes in my life. 

I guess the biggest advice I can give is love her for WHO she is no matter what.  Embrace the qualities she has that you love.  I know having my husband not look at me any different even after surgeries and chemo made me feel loved.  Just treat her like a normal person.  Don't treat her different because she had BC. When she has doctor appointments offer to go with her....she may like that or not like that but it will show you are there for her. 

I wish I had more to offer....if you have specific questions, ask us.  We don't mind!  Good luck!

Neil_M

Thank you to all of you. I am behind the curve, and need to get up to speed quickly. I can't express how special this girl is, and how much I am head over heals for her. I realize this means making a choice to introduce BC to my life, whereas most if not all of you had it thrust upon you. She's worth it!

She exercises a lot, in fact is an exercise instructor. She has an almost unreal positive attitude, which she may not have had if not for her experiences. It's been about 3 years, but I know it's always going to be there, but I choose to believe "always" is going to be a long time. If it turns out not to be, I'll count myself as fortunate to have had the opportunity to spend a year or 5 years or 25 years with her. Whatever it turns out to be, my life will have been better for it.

One thing that I'm wondering - how much do I talk about the future? The wonder of new relationships so often includes the future we imagine. How much emphasis do I put on that? My thought is we plan a future, if cancer derails that we deal with that then. What if it never reoccurs? We will have lived a life in fear and not realized our dreams that we otherwise could have. I would appreciate others' insights into how you approach this.

dogsandjogs

I am divorced and don't have a boyfriend, but if I did I would like to be treated as if BC isn't in my life at all. In other words if she mentions a doctor's appoint don't automatically assume it is something to do with cancer. I bet she is a very strong women, physically and mentally and I am too. I hate to be babied and would rather not rely on anyone for anything unless I absolutely have to. If she is like that, then follow her lead and don't always ask how she is doing, how she is feeling, is she worried about anything, etc etc

In other words, unless she is a needy type who needs constant assurance about stuff give her some space and treat her like you would any other person.

Show her you care, but don't go overboard-----

Anonymous

Neil we could do with some more men like you! You sound like a loving caring person and so all the best for your relationship.

A word about "positive". I absolutely support kayb's post regarding the "think positive" notion. It is one of the most unrealistic and hideous expectations anyone can have put on them. One reason is positive means to be 100% sure. No one can be that sure that our cancer will not return. At the very least it minimizes the life changing events in all that is BC. She may be dealing with her cancer very well and be able to cope in general .... and that's OK, but it's not "positive".

I think a lot largely depends on just what type of person she is, but no matter what we're all like, any person worth their salt will see a genuine attempt from the other person when they're showing love and support.