Dual Role as Supporter and Cancer Patient

Cassandreamy

Dual Role as Supporter and Cancer Patient

Cassandreamy

I have been in a monogamous relationship for two and a half years. I love my boyfriend dearly, but fear our relationship is suffering. When we began dating, his mother had been recently diagnosed with stage IV brain cancer and was going through treatment. At the time, he was severely depressed. He, along with his dad, were her sole caregivers for the next two and a half years. I was there for him through it all, helping him with making food during the family holidays, painting her nails, helping her communicate, listening to him, being his shoulder to cry on and trying to keep things as positive as possible. When he would shut himself off from the world, I would reach out to his friends and let them know he could really use the company.

In November of 2012 (about one and a half years after we started dating), I was diagnosed with stage II IDC. I did six months of chemo, surgery and am now in the reconstruction phase. In the beginning, he went with me to every appointment and infusion. About three months into the chemo, I realized he was wearing himself thin - between caring for his mother and caring for me he had almost no time for himself - and enlisted friends to help with my treatment.

His mother passed away a few weeks ago and he is now commenting that I have no empathy for him, because I have cancer and am focused on taking care of myself. Especially now that treatment is over, I feel I am extremely empathetic. I still listen when he needs someone to talk to. I make nice breakfasts, without being asked, because I know he loves food and it is something we connect over. I do all the housework and create fun things for us to do. Everything seems to being going just fine until something occurs with my health and I need support.

For example, he went to see a movie with friends last weekend. I had plans to hang out with my best friend. I woke up with severe pain in my chest and my friend and I spent the afternoon in the ER. I contacted him once we got to the hospital to let him know what was going on. Later, he revealed to me that it ruined his afternoon to be taken back to reality - the reality where I have a serious diagnosis and I spend the occassional afternoon in the hospital getting tests done.

He has been very supportive of me physically - doing things around the house when I am recovering from surgery, staying home when I was too tired from chemo to socialize - but sometimes emotionally I feel like he doesn't have the capacity to be supportive of me. I understand that and I don't expect him to be mister supportive while he grieves and gets treatment for his depression. Sometimes I feel like this dual role of patient and supporter is almost too much for any relationship. Anyone else out there with a similar experience?

mjm1

Hi Cassandreamy, I was just wondering how you are getting on?

I feel for both of you. My Mum has a similar diagnosis to yours, and honestly, that is more than enough for any family. My boyfriend is very supportive - as far as he can be - but has a really hard time hearing anything about cancer as a number of years back he lost his own dad very suddenly (10 days from diagnosis to death) from cancer and it brings up a lot of trauma.

It must be so hard for him to have the 'reminders' that you too have cancer and all it entails while he is grieving his Mum. But conversely, you deserve all the support that goes with having to face stage 2 cancer. 

I hope things are going well for you.- M