son distressed

wintersocks

My son (age 16) returned a few hours ago drunk with 2 friends. This is the first time he has drunk alcohol to my knowledge. In front of me and his friends he broke down about me having cancer. He says it 'haunts' him, he dreams about my death frequently. he says he cannot go on if I die....He was utterly distraught.

I have put him to bed after we talked and he sobbed. he is now asleep. I have suggested he sees some one to talk with in the past but he refuses.

I think this has all kicked off as I am going into hospital next week (oophrectomy for large ovarian cyst).

I am separated from his Dad who is rather useless and has not discussed my cancer with our son at all.

I feel worn out, like cancer just keeps on going - one way or another.

Any one any advice to help with this?

Thank-you

barbe1958

Winter, can you talk to a counsellor at school to meet with him? Another parent?? Have you discussed bluntly with him the odds and stats or is he making it all bigger than it may be? I don't know your stats, so I don't know where you are on your journey. I was able to warn my kids at my "bad" mammo where I bled on the machine. By the time my double masts came two months later they were used to the idea. It all takes time. Personally, I think it's admirable that he cried for you and told you his fears. A lot of guys would have kept it inside and let it eat them away. Can you take him to an appointment to hear what your doc says? Prayers to you, sweetie!

wintersocks

Hi Barbe,

he has refused to see someone at school , mainly because of his friends knowing. I have got onto a big organisation here called Macmillan cancer care and a nurse counsellor is going to call me on Monday. I hope my son will agree to see her. I haven't told him I am stage 3, but he does know I am not the better end of the scale. I have told him that it's not possible for me to say that it is not going to come back ever.

Yes, I agree it was good he was able to cry, but it so broke my heart. Not being able to reassure him. Plus I am going into hospital next week for this cyst thing to be removed and ooph.

My older son saw my consultant with me and she was really great. He is nearly 20 now. Perhaps as you say I might take the younger to see my consultant in March for my next check.

I do hope your kids are coping. It's so hard to have cancer and kids Huh?

Wx

barbe1958

Wx, age doesn't matter, they are our babies! Why take the younger one only? Any of your kids would need to see the reality. Being stage I, II or III doesn't matter. It's only if you're stage IV that it counts. I've been on these boards for over 5 years and seen way MORE stage one gals move into stage four!!! Stage III women get the sink thrown at them and are monitored more aggressively. It's a phenomenon right now that so many stage one's are becoming terminal. Shows a lack of treatment and monitoring. I know of 3 stage ZERO (DCIS only) women move on to stage four and then die. They were just as stunned as their oncs! Staging is only used for treatment, not mortality.

wintersocks

Barbe,

Ooh you have made me feel better!

He has gone out skateboarding for the day now. I think it's good for him to get a break from Mum, and I need one too. I feel exhausted now.

Just got to get over going into hospital next week & trying not to worry about him too much.

He will say with Dad who is (pretty useless at emotional stuff). He will do that jokey stuff with him. Instead of proper talking/listening.

Thank You

WX

aaoaao

I have a son that broke down when I had my breast cancer come back..I'm now Stage IV. I was originally Stage IIb. The stage of original cancer doesn't increase the odds of getting a recurrence. Your son needs to be given accurate information regarding your disease and that should help him get a grasp on it. He needs to know that you can get through this and never have it rear it's ugly head again. He also needs to know that statistics aren't accurate because they don't look at the individual's specific situation. Even with my Stage IV diagnosis, my son knows I will be around for a while. With bone tumors, patients can have many years left and there are numerous treatments available. I know that cancer or some cancer related cause will eventually kill me but I don't focus on death, I focus on life. My son and I now spend more time together than we ever did before. We try to enjoy every moment we can. Yes, we both get our moments of fear and sadness but they usually past pretty quickly. I hope all gets better with your son. His reaction to your disease is a sign of how much he loves you. My son felt the same way, that he would never be able to live without me. After a long talk..with many tears...I helped him to understand that losing someone you love is difficult to deal with but that people can go on and find loving relationships and joyful times again. I'm not saying he totally accepts that but I think at least he believes it is possible. I also remind him that we will be together again some day and that God has a plan for him just as he has one for me. Just keep reminding your son that you're not anywhere near dying and you'd go down kicking if you were.

wintersocks

aaooaa

a very wise and thoughtful reply. this helps loads after really difficult last few days. I am exhausted from it, but still can't sleep 2.50 am here in GB.!

Thank-you