Emotional and possibly physical affair

survivorrsb

I have just found out that my husband has been having an emotional, and possibly physical affair. I am beyond devastated. I have done the double mastectomy, chemo, radiation and am in the middle of reconstruction. My hub has been a rock - physically, doing all the mechanical things like working hard, taking care of the house and our daughter but emotionally shut down. The more I tried to connect, the more he pulled away. He is not an emotional guy to begin with. Once I confronted him, he said it was a friendship that got out of control and swore it wasn't physical. How do you believe a liar? After he said he shut it down, I found proof that he did not and kicked him out. He is more shut down than ever. I could deal with the cancer but this is beyond belief. I need to take care of my health and my daughter. Please, smart sisters, can you offer some guidance?

mdg

I wish I had words to write that would make you feel better. I am so very sorry you have to go through this on top of BC. I don't have words of advice but wanted to let you know I am praying for you to get through this rough time. I had a cheating husband years ago and it was devastating and I was not dealing with BC at the time. All I can tell you that life does get better in time. You will settle into a better place and life can be good again. Sending hugs.....so sorry

grayeyes

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Sadly, it is a very common story. I'm in the middle of a divorce now myself. Like your husband, mine came across as very caring and supportive. I kept telling him that he was my hero. My hair was just growing back when I discovered that he'd been secretly placing personal ads and talking to women about hooking up the whole time I was fighting cancer. So, you are not alone. There are many of us.

It is difficult facing not only a cancer diagnosis and surgery but a divorce on top of it all. Unfortunately, many other women here are in the same boat. You might want to read through the messages on one of the more recent threads - "Facing a Divorce on Top of Chemo" - at this link below:

http://community.breastcancer.org/topic_post?forum_id=102&id=782166&page=1

Now for the good news: We found out. Right? Thank goodness we discovered what they were doing behind our backs! And life goes on. We fought cancer one day at a time, and that seems to be the way to go through a divorce - one day at a time. (If you click on my screenname, you can read the last post I left on the topic.) Believe it or not, in time, some of us even develop a sense of humor about it all. You just gotta laugh at the ridiculous things some of these guys say and do. My biggest worry was for my kids, but, as it turns out, kids are tough, and my youngest is 12 now.

How old is your daughter?

Blessings2011

Oh, survivorrsb, I'm so sorry. An affair, whether emotional or physical, is just a knife in the gut.

You're dealing with a lot right now, and it's got to be overwhelming.

The one thing I would highly recommend is finding a good therapist with whom you can talk things out.

Family and friends can be wonderful avenues of support, but a trained counselor - one who specializes in breast cancer patients - is more likely to just allow you to vent, and help you come up with ways to cope right now.

Big hugs, and prayers for better days ahead!

PoohBear-61

Surviviorsb ......I am also so sorry that you have to deal with this on top of everything else .I have no words of wisdom but do have a favorite quote that I repeat regularly to myself. " You are not defined by your struggles.....you are defined by how you respond to them " .

You deserve MUCH more than that man .......this just means something BETTER is waiting for you around the corner....!

HUGZ

alcb70

I'm so very sorry you are having to deal with all this....on top of what you've already gone through! If he's telling you it isn't physical-he's full of sh*t. For men that comes first, then the emotional part. I went through the same thing about 13 years ago and it about killed me....and that was without breast cancer. The only advice I can give you is to just breathe. It worked out for me, only because I swallowed the hell out of some pride, and he realized that he had made a HUGE mistake. He's worked at making it up to me every day since. I still deal with horrible emotional issues, and going through all this has made that even worse. You HAVE to protect yourself emotionally and physically right now. That's what makes me mad for what he's done to you.....stress is such a bad thing for you, and if he was screwing around, he put your health at risk even more so because of your immune system. Although I still feel inadequate emotionally, logically I know it was my husbands crap. The most beautiful and the most kind women in the world get cheated on.....don't blame yourself and cause more stress. Protect yourself emotionally, physically, and financially. Leave the mess for him to clean up because it's HIS mess. Please take care of yourself!!

Denise-G

I am so sorry you have to suffer this terrible betrayal on top of breast cancer. I write a breast cancer Blog and hear from many women who experience what you are experiencing. It is devastating. Sending a hug your way.

survivorrsb

Thanks sisters for at least making me feel like I am not the only one. It is absolutely unbelievable to me how badly some people can behave. I feel like my husband stuck a knife in my back and twisted it while I was literally fighting for my life. Fortunately, I have some wonderful friends and family that give me hope that there really are good people out there. I know I deserve better. I handled Cancer with dignity and grace and will handle divorce the same.. I can't change what happens to me but can control how I handle it.

Stay strong.

Emma12

hi. Sending u hugs and kisses. I am going through the same thing as you. Men are so selfish when it comes to their needs. Mine cheated on me near the end of me chemo treatment and I didn't find out until the third week of my radiation. My world came crashing down. I felt like a knife head been stabbed in my back. I felt numb for a few days unable to do much but to drag myself to radiation each day while trying to deal with my feelings and having to take care of three kids. I was a mess. Hope you are feeling better.

BrooksideVT

One of my friends just went through something similar (minus the chemo and rads) and was really thrown for a loop.  Once the dust settled, she realized that the issue had meant nothing to him and should mean only slightly more to her.  Two weeks later, she's put it in perspective and they had a lovely valentine's day.  Remember that with a so-recent diagnosis, not to mention all the treatment you've been through, you and hubby are both in a very vulnerable place and your normal coping skills just might not be up to speed.

Reneeinseattle

So sorry that others are going through this same thing.  Like going through BC isn't enough?   After I confronted my hub of 14 years, he said he would shut it down.  10 days later, I learned he had not shut it down and kicked him out.  For 2 months he pursued her until she shut him down or off.  He came back with his tail between his legs.  We went to counseling and he started to open up.  I was still mistrustful and didn't feel like I was getting the truth.  I wasn't.  Not sure if it was emotional or physical but she had no romantic interest in him.  He never shut it down and never was truthful.  He is a selfish narcissist.  Sadly, we are divorcing.  I am really struggling to keep my 12 year old daughter whole as we sell our house and I try to find work.  I am an incredibly strong woman but this is breaking me.

grayeyes

Emma12 - You and I could be twins.  Three kids here, too.  Same thing happened - I found out about the cheating right after radiation ended two years ago.  Based on what I found, he must've been cheating with various women through the whole marriage.    It took a year for him to finally move out.  Now we're in the middle of a divorce.

Reneeinseattle - It does get better.  My youngest was 10 when I found out, and 11 when his father finally moved out.  It turns out, children are resilient.  He's handling it all very well now.  It's a good thing that you found out about the husband's cheating and that he left.  You were right not to trust him. 

Emma12

haha what a coincidence. Sorry to hear its ending. If there is any chance of reconciliation you could reconsider. Was the affair really really bad. Mine states his didn't get that far just holding hands. Too me holding hands or not it was still an affair emotional anyways. It really guts you when the loves  of your life do that to you. I think in my case my marriage is worth saving. I loved and still do my husband deeply. I am willing to move forward and get past this horrible chapter in my life.  The stress on top of having bc is unbearable. And for the husbands to do this to us I have no words to describe...........I hope you are getting stronger and better as each day passes....xoxoxox

grayeyes

Emma12 - My soon-to-be-ex-husband did much more than holding hands  ;-)  and, according to what I discovered, with multiple women... probably for years and years.  He did not intend to leave me, though.  He kept denying and denying his infidelities, even after I found clear evidence.  Apparently, he liked having the good wife at home while he ran around.

If my husband had only held hands with another woman in an emotional (but not physical) affair, I might've been hurt, but a good marriage would be worth saving over something like that, especially when you have children together.  I hope your marriage recovers and grows in strength.  Good luck to you both.  xoxoxoxo

Emma12

hi life's wonderful.... Funny u should say that I do wonder what else my husband got up too in the car after work, Stinky from being in the kitchen all day as we'll.  he swears black and blue that he never slept with her, I am just not sure whether to believe him or not. I have lost trust, it's gone. I have trouble in believing him now what ever he says or do. How do I over come this. 

I try real hard to move forward. I think the marriage will recover from this........

How r u dealing with all the pain, and how are the kids coping?

grayeyes

Hi, Emma. 

Maybe your husband really is being truthful.  But, I understand your suspicions.  My husband was lying to me.  There were clues that he was cheating throughout our marriage, but he always denied it.  We had children, so I wanted to believe him, and I lived in denial for many years.  When I found the undeniable proof, he still kept denying it.  When he finally admitted it, he blamed me, as if it was my fault he was lying and cheating.

When I first found out, I was devastated.  Now, though, I really don't care.  I have no feelings for him at all now.  In fact, I wonder why I ever did.  I'm looking forward to the divorce.  Two of my kids are teens now, and they're all handling everything surprisingly well.

I hope your husband is being honest with you and that your marriage can be saved, especially if your children are still young.  It will be difficult, but if he's being truthful with you now, in time your marriage may heal.

vbishop

you ladies are too kind.  BC is hard enough.  A cheating, lying husband?  Time to cut off the balls and boot the bum out of the house.  You ain't got time for that!!