Guilty if not Grateful

alcb70

On the rollercoaster ride that is breast cancer, I'm currently at the bottom of the drop. I am currently unhappy with my exchange, as I am now a cup size smaller with the implants than I was prior to cancer. To make matters one neat sentence....my husband is a "boob guy", and hasn't touched anywhere near my chest since the minute I was diagnosed. My NP at the PS office kinda gives off the attitude of, you're lucky to even have any boobs, and I feel guilty that I'm even unhappy for a moment because.....like everyone always says.... at least I'm still alive. Does anyone feel the same? I think because we're expected to be "fighters", "survivors", and keep such a "good attitude" through all this.....I feel obligated to have a smile on my face 24/7 and never complain about anything. I also feel guilty if I complain about (what I feel is) very valid issues with my husband bc HAS has taken very good care of me and supported me through this. Along with not feeling like I measure up physically, I now feel like an a-hole for not being grateful or happy every moment of the day. Please tell me I'm not the biggest jerk on the planet!!!???

curveball

You are definitely not the biggest jerk on the planet. Nobody else has the right to tell you how you "should" feel.

Blessings2011

Oh, alcb70 - you are DEFINITELY not the biggest jerk on the planet... not even close.

You are a normal woman who has had breast cancer, fought the hardest fight of your life, and had reasonable expectations for your Exchange. In other words, uh, normal!!!

After everything women go through after dx, it's not surprising that Exchange is one of the things they look forward to the most: getting back a body that cancer took away. It's almost like the prize at the end of the struggle.

But rarely does it turn out perfectly.

(I had hopes of waking up with Baywatch boobs. I wanted big ol' fake looking melons. Didn't happen. Lefty was crawling over my shoulder. PS said "What is it you want? I think they look great!" Seriously? But it's o.k. now.)

I hear your disappointment, and if you are up for it, and there is no physiological reason you can't have another surgery, many women do opt for revisions after exchange. You deserve to have the body you want.

One of the things I found was that I WASN'T the nicest, most grateful person around. My MO recommended an awesome therapist who deals specifically with breast cancer patients, and it has helped immeasurably. (Ironic, because I am a retired counselor...)

It's too hard to go around constantly with a smile plastered on your face when other things are getting in the way. At the very least, you deserve peace of mind.

Wishing you the very best....

alcb70

Thanks guys! I appreciate your support in my whininess (is that even a word?). Blessings....you got it exactly right! I kept thinking that I could get through all the crap, and then I get perky boobs that are the same size, but better than what I had. Then.....I get flat foobs with no cleavage. It was a really bad let down. Like I said, the NP was like well...I think 600cc's look pretty good....it could be worse. I know they get a little numb doing this all the time, but good grief! Blessings, did you have revisions done? You made me laugh envisioning one side up over your shoulder! LOL Mine isn't THAT bad...just blah. My shirts are actually baggy in the front now. I thought about asking for revisions, but I can't stand the thought of constantly having surgery. Besides....I still have to pay the 20% each time, and take time off of work. We'll see....just really deflated right now...literally.