I hate the fall - Coping with Mom's diagnosis one year later

Emilylaughed

My mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer October 17, 2012.

We've gone through 8 rounds of chemotherapy. A/C and Taxotere. She had a radical mascectemy, which confirmed her cancer was stage III-C. She followed that up with full breast radiation that ended at the beginning of August. Now, she is on a hormone, but other than that, there's no active treatment.

After 10 months of overactive treatment, this part is unnerving.

Next week we see the oncologist for her three month check up. I'm terrified. I've stood by her side and been as strong as I know how to be—and then some—since being overcome with this news. My mom is 58 years old, and I don't feel old enough to continue to think about when the other shoe is going to fall.

Cancer sucks. I always thought that a heart attach or stroke would get her. It got her parents. But now that her other health issues are in check (diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol), I'm starting to realize that the chronic stuff—The stuff you can't predict, but know will be there every moment of every day without any relief—The long goodbye, perhaps—Is so much harder. 

Every little thing (or every big thing) that happens make me twitchy. Knowing that we're at the end of a three-month cycle and that anything could have happened in that time of not seeing an oncologist makes my anxiety soar. Her thumb hurts. Is that bone cancer? She woke up at 5am today so that she could get to the hospital to get her bloodwork early and then can't keep her eyes open at 8pm, and is terribly cranky—and hasn't had a mood swing since she was diagnosed. That could be the cancer spreading. 

Or, you know, that could be that she spent yesterday cleaning the house and pushing herself, didn't sleep well the night before, and I am absolutely insane.

Every time I think I have a handle on this situation I realize that it's so out of my control. I'm a type A personality. I work my tail off to make things just so. And I'm a realist, but not in a pessimistic kind of way. And relinquishing control on such a big item is enough to kill me.

I don't know what my point is tonight. I do know that I feel increasingly anxious and worried, and I'm hopeful that this isn't my intuition kicking in and is, instead, perfectly natural. Fall was my favorite time of year. But I don't know if I can go into the next two months focused on anything other than the grave circle of life.

My mom's faith is so strong. It has never wavered. At first, mine didn't, either. God brought us to it, and brought us through it. Made us stronger and blessed us with every day. Why, then, are days like this so dark and so hard? Why do I sit her in tears when I ought to be working on something... anything, really... that's positive? I know it's not healthy to dwell. I know I need to have faith. I know that everything ends in its time and that nothing is forever. 

Intellectually, anyhow. I just wish someone would tell those same things to my heart. Does everybody go through this? 

missyoumom

I am sorry you are going through this with your mom. I am a breast cancer survivor diagnosed with a recurrence last week, just after my 6 month check up following chemo, radiation, herceptin. I remember being anxious at my 3 month check up and that period transitioning from having frequent monitoring and treatments to nothing but waiting and watching for signs....i was a bit hysterical and finally had to confess to myself. I was originally diagnosed with breast cancer at 43 in October 2011. But my mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer at age 46 and lived to be 54 before she passed away in 2002. I think it was harder being the daughter and watching my mother go through all the treatments and experience all of the symptoms of metastatic disease than dealing with my own illness. I loved my mother so dearly and so desperately wanted her to survive and be well again. She and I went through it all together. It was the hardest thing in the world. I can't say there was a point where it got easier but I know that we grew closer than we ever were through those very difficult times. We worried together, protected each other from our own pain as much as we could, and conquered all the hurdles together. In the end she had go and I had to grieve. But all of those years I spent by her side held me together through that grief bc I knew in my heart that I was there for her as much as humanly possible. Thankfully, much has changed in the world of breast cancer treatment and more women are surviving, the treatments are much better (not easy but better) and there is always hope. I hope someday this will all be memory for you and your mom will pull through and join all the other survivors out there who survive the treatment, beat the odds, and live to tell about it!!!! As for me, I try to stay calm and stay in the moment, take each step thoughtfully. Acceptance is probably the only attitude that keeps me together. I cant handle what might happen in the next month or even the next week ( my consult with sugeon is Friday) but today... i got this.