husband does not want to see my breasts until they're done!

Mellonhead

Hello

I am sure I am not the first person to go through this so I thought I'd ask for some advice. 

First off, My husband was very supportive of my decison to have a bi-lateral mastectomy which I had on July 9, 2013.  I had multi-focal grade 3 DCIS.  No further treatment is needed.  It has almost been three weeks.

I had asked him if he wanted to see my breasts and his response was "not until they're done!"  Ok so I understand-I didn't even want to look at them and it took me a week to get up the courage to look in the mirror.  I am having reconstruction and I have the expanders in.  I am healing nicely-but I do have giant scars.  I am not sure how I feel about this.  This is a lengthy process.  I am afraid we are going to loose our intimacy. I really just want him to tell me how beautiful I am, etc and these scars don't matter.  He has always been squeemish about medical procdures-incisions-needles-blood,etc. When I pressed him on the subject-he said that he had had a conversation with his best friend and they both agreed that he wouldn't want to see them until they're done either....This made me feel worse -that he actually had a conversation about my breasts with another man-ugh.  Even though my husband sounds like a total idiot-I know he does love me and he really is a kind considerate person.  How do I broach this topic with him?  I am confused how I feel.  I am intersted to hear how you other ladies have come through this if this was an issue with your husbands as well.  Thank you so much.  PS I did read the You and your partner article. 

NatsFan

I'm so sorry. Maybe have an honest talk with him - tell him you're scared and don't want to go through this healing and recon process alone and that you need him to be involved and to be there for you.  Tell him this is a very hard time for you and that you need him to tell you that you're beautiful and brave, and that the scars don't matter.  Since guys like to have a job to do, maybe tell him that besides his support, as a practical matter you need another set of eyes on your surgical areas to help you monitor them for infection or seroma or other signs that healing may not be going well. 

He sounds like a wonderful man in many ways, but he needs to grow up about medical stuff and get over his squeamishness - he can't just pick and choose the parts of this he wants to share.  He needs to remember that marriage means that you've chosen to be full partners for each other no matter what life throws at you - in sickness and in health, and all that.  Good luck. 

Colt45

@Mellonhead:



Take this with a grain of salt as I am NOT part of your marriage...



But here goes:



Tell the man who took a vow that he would be there FOR you & WITH you NO MATTER WHAT------precisely what you need from him.



The time for "nah don't feel like it" has been long over. A man should be capable of more. A husband HAS to be. Period.



If he's not going to stand up for you and stand by you---ask him who the hell is supposed to. Then marry THAT guy.



(I edited SO much out of my response because I just don't think it's my place... but GOODNESS you deserve more support-------not even debatable!)... I can't even relate to a guy like this.



Best of luck.