Celebrating 5 years out, and some ranting

cathmg45

Hello everyone,

5 years ago today my world was turned upside down like a snowglobe in a terrifying way. I heard those words that always seemed to be meant for someone else, "It is cancer." I celebrate my five year milestone today. This morning I read all the cards that were given to me at that time, and felt them touch my heart again with their care. I went and got a pedicure and had coffee with friends. I have asked my kids if they would like to do something together to celebrate in August, when my 21 yr. old daughter is home. I am grateful to this site for providing me with comradeship and information in this world of cancer. I would like all newbies to know that you can hang in there, and have a wonderful life. I am back in grad school at 48 learning about my passion (New England history), have seen both my children graduate high school and get accepted in the colleges of their dreams, have more friends than ever, and look pretty kick-ass for closing in on fifty.

Now the rant: I didn't expect anyone else to remember this day EXCEPT my husband. I have told him that this day is meaningful to me, celebrated isn't perhaps the correct word, but I want to commemorate it as the day made my confront my mortality, go through things that no human being should have to go through (dbl. mastectomy and chemo, then reconstruction). Cancer made me a different person. It pushed me over the edge into a clinical depression. I haven't gone a whole day without thinking about it at least fleetingly in 5 years (what with the scars and tightness and all). And he didn't remember. It really hurts, since I made it clear to him that I wanted him to remember this date.

There is a certain loneliness in a cancer diagnosis. The uncertainty and fear about the future, especially if you had what has been charmingly called "the lethal variant" (pleomorphic ILC). The experience of having every odd ache or pain transmit into the immediate thought, "Is it cancer again?" It is an experience that one can only understand if one has gone through it.

Thanks for the forum,

Catherine

Moderators

Dear Catherine, thank YOU for joining us! We are glad you are here to let us know about your hope story... although we are sorry about you feeling so disappointed with your husband... Just letting you know that you are not alone, and you can vent here anytime you need, we are here for you.

Best wishes.

---The Mods

fstop

Catherine,

I am sorry... (hugs)

It seems the others in our lives don't get the important of some of this stuff for us. I have found out over the last 3 years that I have to make my own celebrations and live my own life, the people around will come with or won't. Yes it sucks sometimes, I would love to have a big surprise one time, a night out planned for me, a gift I did not ask for or just an expression of love for no reason. But we have to take what we can and hope that things will start to change.

Take yourself out for a nice dinner and drink, or take him out, but celebrate what you have done!

Nancy44

Catherine,

Thank you for posting. Your diagnosis is very close to mine and to hear that 5 years out you are doing well is music to my ears.  Your inspiration came at a good time; waiting to see if this stupid cough is really just a cough after all. 

I had no idea at the very beginning of this what could happen and now I completely understand that every pain, every pull, makes you stop and wonder and yes, it's a very lonely thought so thank you for sharing.  I'm sorry your husband didn't remember; it is an important day; you've earned it. 

Gitane

I'm happy for you in reaching this important milestone and for the wonderful events that have filled your life. Your post helped me, because I agree completely that there is a loneliness in being diagnosed and living with this diagnosis. 

As one who shares that charming "lethal variant" diagnosis, I can really identify.  It's very difficult for my husband to understand why I find the anniversary so significant.  Perhaps he thinks it is better to try to forget and move on; it's just that we can't do that, can we?  It's painful for him to remember, I know, so I don't make too much of it if I can help it, at least around our house.  Here on the BC.org site I feel that I can be open about its significance because others have similar feelings to mine about their cancerversaries. 

Thank you for posting.  It is not only the newbies who are helped!

sgreenarch

Dear Catherine,



First, so happy for you that you're thriving (and looking kickass) at the five year mark. Every woman who takes the time to write those words, five years, does the rest of us a service.



Want to take a sec to talk about our husbands. I am just passing the three year mark (very emotional and grateful) and I think these anniversaries are both a time to be grateful and a time to be sad. We have lived to see another year, but on the other hand it is also the anniversary of probably the worst trauma of our lives. So it is, in truth, a day of highly conflicted feelings. I spend the day in tears, trying to explain to my befuddled husband, who I know loves me, that I am happy beyond words to have survived (bottom line, most important) and crying tears of happiness. Yet I'm also transported back in time to that fateful day when it all began and life changed forever. what my husband sees is a blubbering mess, and maybe I can't explain all of my feelings to him adequately. (the words have not been created to describe the depths of all of these feelings.) And he suggests, gently, that maybe its time to put this all behind me and move forward, to concentrate on the future. At that moment, I silently realized that, as close as we are, and we are very close, he will never ever get it completely. It's not malicious on his part. I wouldn't have understood this before either. And the wish to move forward, to put this behind us, is his even more than mine. Our husbands have had years of listening to us, worrying about us, etc. Theyre tired of it, plain and simple. They wish for their old lives back as much as we do and I can't even fault them for that. I had the epiphany at that point, that he does the best he can, but that I can't expect him to feel this as deeply or even have the same perspective as me. This will be my lone psychic battle, prayer, scream, victory...He will love me, support me, come along, but it is ultimately mine alone.



So, Catherine, if hes been there for you for the most part, maybe cut your husband some slack? Maybe hes , wishfully, trying to 'move past it,' as my husband would say? Try to tell him before the day how important it is to you and ask him to set aside the time, not to fix things, but just to listen, because once a year you need to express this complex jumble of feelings?



Hope I haven't offended, Cath, just a different take. Hope it's helpful. Congrats,

Shari

cathmg45

Dear Gitane, Shari, Nancy44, fstop and mods,

Thank you for replies and sharing and caring. It is satisfying to be understood. The "anniversary syndrome" is a very real phenomena, and I may have it for life. Shari, no offense taken! However, note in my post that I had specifically asked him to remember it the date of my diagnosis. He could plug it into his calendar on his computer. It would be that easy. I wasn't asking for anything in particular, just the knowledge and connection to  know what this day means.I asked noone else to do that, and I rarely talk about any fears that I have of recurrence, or the side effects I've had from treatment. I have truly moved on-I live life with more intention and with the knowledge that none of us are promised tomorrow. I DO expect him to be able to do this for me, and if he doesn't that is a serious sign of insensitivity on his part. Love is about what we do-especially when someone we love asks for something in particular.

Now here is something you all might relate to: ever been talking with someone, or at a meeting at work or something, and you get a weird twinge and some thought immediately arises like, "Has it spread to my liver?" It's so ludicrous...someone is chatting with us about the price of gas or something and we're secretly wondering if we're going to die a slow, lingering death. Such is our predicament.

Today is a lovely summer day full of promise and goings-on. Best wishes for health and love,

Catherine