So depressed

Theresanne

I know so many women come to this site for information, or maybe a reassuring message. I often do. But I just had to write this because I am so very terrified of my future. I was diagnosed 2011 with st.2 node negative lobular. Had TAC, and bmx. No radiation was recommended because I had three very small tumors and five drs felt it would be overkill. I hope I don't regret this some day. Anyway, I have good days and other days that I am so very scared of recurrence or mets. I'm also on femara...with so many side effects. Have three children..college age. I see women who are node negative, early stage and then later develop mets. I'm trying to do everything ...supplement, vegan diet, no sugars...lots of walking...but sometimes I think it just doesn't matter...luck of the draw. Crying most of today. What a waste of a beautiful day.

Letlet

Is it possible that the Femara is contributing to your depression? I am now 3 years out (almost from initial diagnosis) . After treatment I was put on Tamoxifen. I was same as you fearful constantly of mets and anxious. Of course I'm sure it didn't help that I just finished treatment and felt that nothing was being done anymore to kill the cancer, just to wait until the other shoe dropped. THat itself is a hard hard period.  I couldn't take the depression and anxiety anymore, so I was prescribed Zoloft. I took that for a while and had some sexual side effects I c ouldnlt live with , then I was prescribed Lexapro - same thing. I even tried Wellbutrin and it made me more anxious. 

I was experiencing some excruiciating bone pain at 9 months on Tamoxifen. I had scans, nothing, no mets. Finally my onc said why don't you stop Tamoxifen for a few weeks? Almost the first week the bone pain was gone, at the second week something else happened. I felt like dancing in the streets! Singing in the shower! It was like this cloud lifted and there was a spring in my step. I discontinued my Tamoxifen due to the bone pain. I also realized that I didn't need an antidepressant anymore.

Anyway I'm just saying that maybe it's not just you, maybe it's the medication making you feel this way. I'm not telling you to stop, just saying that it's a possibility and that maybe an antidepressant will help combat the effect (if it is that). The meds worked beautifully for me except for the sexual side effect.

I still have my moments, the I'can't-believe-I-have-cancer-and-it-can-come-back-any-time-to-kill-me. Where I cry, panic...I take a Xanax for those - good for a few hours only but those moments are few nowadays and they do not stay for long...

I hope things will get better, we all share the same fears, you are not alone.

BayouBabe

I think we all have days like this. Recurrence is such a crap shoot, it is terrifying to think we are making all of these healthy choices and could still get mets. Let yourself have your moment. But try not to let cancer steal any more days from you than it already has. Tomorrow will be another beautiful day, rain or shine, face it with the sun in your face and in your heart! Hugs!

Theresanne

Thank you friends...it's hard to talk to my husband..I didn't want to bring him down. Others don't understand. I have a best friend who was diagnosed12yrs ago..doing great. I do talk to her often..but also, don't want to bring her down with me. I do alot of talking to God. Helps......sometimes.

BayouBabe

We are always here to listen! Is there a support group available near you? I have met some amazing friends in mine. I would be lost without them.

Theresanne

Yes, there are several. But I'm afraid that I might hear alot of things I don't want to..like people getting sicker, or just negative things that I've not thought of. I do talk to my friend, the 12yr survivor alot..just not all the time I'm feeling bad. I have an appt. with a psychologist in a few weeks. I can't imagine living my life this way.

BayouBabe

My heart goes out to you! Please be sure to keep your appointment, maybe even place a call to see if you if you could get in sooner? Just something to keep in mind - if you think you might be considering an antidepressant, a psychologist can't prescribe one, only a pyschiatrist can ( my sis is a psychologist). I was on lexapro for a while to get me through - no shame in help if you need it. My MO prescribed that.

Theresanne

Can I just ask......how does everyone get through the day? Every little thing I see or hear reminds me of this stupid cancer! Even the most beautiful things. I am scheduled to go on vacation this week with my family and all I can think of is..will this be my last vacation?....will I develop horrible symptoms while I'm there?....ugh! My brain can't stop!

dutchiris

Theresanne, I so hear you. I just keep worrying. I do try not to about what may or may not happen, things I have no control over.



Sharon

shoppygirl

Hi I just completed chemo yesterday. I should be happy but I feel like I have to hold back. While receiving my scans right after my surgery everything was clear except for a 6mm lung nodule. I will have a follow up scan in Sept. The issue is that I have become obsessed with it! I have spoken to four drs about it including my oncologist many times. They all feel it is an old scar from previous illness or allergy. I have also read on these boards about so many women that have had one and it is almost always nothing. I have googled it and having a lung nodule is very common. For some reason I cannot relax and think about it constantly! It is driving me crazy! The other thing is that my husband has advanced colon cancer. He was diagnoised 1 month after my surgery. He hopefully will be ok and is currently receiving chemo and doing very well. We also have two childern (10 and 14). Sorry for such a long post but any words of advice would be more than welcomed!