So much has happened so quickly...

Aleeza

So much has happened so quickly...

Aleeza

Hi!

My name is Aleeza. I don't have breast cancer, but my mom was diagnosed two months ago. She has Stage IIA breast cancer with 9 cancerous lymph nodes.

A couple more things about my mom:

- she has no history of cancer at all, is only 42, and has kept a very healthy diet the past few years so when she found out about her cancer, she was devastated and in denial

- a month ago, she had a mastectomy (on her left breast) and feels extremely insecure about it but refused to get reconstructive surgery. She feels that it's unnecessary

- her wounds from her mastectomy havent yet healed so she won't be starting chemo until its fully healed

- her chemo includes AC (every two weeks, four treatments) and taxol (every two weeks, four treatments) for a total of 16 weeks. After that shes supposed to have radiation therapy for 5 weeks and take antiestrogen pills for 5 years.



I really need your help. I'm 17 and starting college this september. Luckily I will not be dorming so I'll have more time to help my mom out. But handling college and my family seems like too tough of a burden to bear. I also have three younger siblings who are having a very tough time adjusting to my mom's illness. To make matters worse, my father gets these random spurts of anger and starts to spill all his built up anxiety on my mom. My mom is already not handling this well and cries for hours and hours, just questioning why this is happening to her. She really doesnt want to take chemo, thinking about how she'll lose her hair and all the other side effects, and I have to spend hours just to get her to stop crying. My father is only adding stress to the whole situation. But truthfully, it's not all his fault. He's got a lot of pressure on his mind because of my mom's cancer and other personal problems.



The reason why I'm posting this is because I need advice on how to deal with my mom's hatred for chemo, college starting soon, my family, and a lot more. I don't know what to do. I cry but that's no use. I need something to get me out of this depression. Please help. God bless you all.

She

Aleeza, hugs for you sweetie, it's a lot to absorb and deal with. I was stage IIb at 42 17 years ago!



First, try to get your Mom to come here. There is a wealth of information and help and tips for pretty much everything anyone in treatment experiences. Trust me, we ALL hate chemo. But most just hunker down, do it and get it over with. It isn't fun but for many it is a finite period of time, then we're done and free to find our new normal and continue on with life. Her hair will grow back. The side effects are temporary. Keep telling her how much you love her and that she can do this. Because she can. I'm not going to tell you it's a cake walk because it isn't. But she can still get through.



It's hard not to be depressed with so much going on. Acknowledging it is a big step. Taking action is next. You shouldn't have to carry the burden alone, and getting organized and giving others some things to do to help, helps your mom, and you and your family. Feeling helpless is upsetting. Your Dad is probably feeling that way now and it is most likely contributing to his behaviour. Men generally like to "fix" things and this is something he can't fix.



Go to the chemotherapy tab and look for the threads with tips. Ignore the scary stuff, we are all different and it is entirely possible your Mom will breeze through, I know many women who have tolerated it well and we don't know how it will be for us individually until we start because we are all different.



You can get your younger siblings busy helping too. Then they will feel better because they're doing something. They can take over whatever their ages will allow, around the house they can clean, do laundry, and some cooking. The really young ones can make pictures and cards to cheer her. Keeping them busy is the key.



Do you have any Aunties or a Grandma who can take over while you are at school? Does your Mom have a best friend who can help too? Family and friends really do want to help, so let them. Mostly they don't know what to say or do so they just need someone to tell them. You can get someone organizing meals and getting people to drop prepared meals off on a schedule. Same for doctors appointments and chemo treatments. What is a daunting task for one person becomes so much easier when you can delegate activities. That will let you focus on school and have quality time with your Mom and family.



Make sure someone goes to the doctor with Mom. It's hard for us to remember everything to ask, and then it's easy to get confused with the answers. We all have our own way of dealing with this and crying is one way. Did you know there was a scientific experiment with tears? Tears of Joy have a different chemical makeup than tears of fear or sadness! Her tears now are actually helping to clear some toxins from her system. Too many tears can be a sign of depression though, so it would be good if she can talk to her doctor about it. Sometimes we need a little help to get past this emotionally and there is no shame in asking for some antidepressant medication on a temporary basis.



You can send me a PM any time. We are all here for each other.



Love & Hugs,

She

Cyborg

Hi, Aleeza.

I felt that the chemo was do-able. I lost my hair and now it's back. I am glad I did the chemo because I don't want to feel the regret of if I had not done the chemo...

This web site is great. I felt unmatched support here.

About college, of course that is your individual decision about doing that and walking your mother through chemo. As a mother, I would have wanted my kids to continue on with plans and be there to support me when they were able.

Please take care.xo

Aleeza

Hi She!

First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on stying 17 years strong! I hope God blesses you with many many more healthy and happy years!

Thank you for all your advice. I think the more my mom learns to accept her situation, the easier it will be for all of us. Hopefully, a couple of months from now, she will be as cancer free as she was before and our lives go back to normal.

This website truly is a treasure trove of information that really is primary. I'm going to get my mom to start using it!

My uncle and aunt will be here for the four months when my mom is taking chemo so they'll be able to help her out.



Thank you again She God bless you.

Aleeza

Thank you Cyborg!



I hope things turn out wonderfully for you.

I hope my mom's experience with chemo is do-able as well. Thank you for your advice!

mdg

I am sorry your mom has to go through this....and your family too.  Cancer is the pits for sure.   I want to tell you than not everyone has a horrible chemo experience.  I had some side effects but I was able to exercise 5 days a week through chemo and never had any nausea at all.  I used Pengiun Cold Caps to keep my hair and it worked for me.  No one even knew I was going through chemo unless I chose to tell them.   I was more scared of chemo than the bilateral mastectomy!  I was having a hard time allowing the doctors to infuse "poison" into my body with the chemo but then again I realized that the cancer was worse than the poison and I started to realize this was what I needed to do to be here to raise my four year old son.  I did the chemo and got through it OK and kept my hair.  Please tell your mom she will get through her treatment......sending hugs!