How do I Grieve?

Leesaann73

It was so sudden, my aunt Jane was diagnosed with breast cancer and bone cancer and in a matter of weeks she went from talking to me on the phone to being spoon-fed water.  We lost her last night, and I'm in Florida and my family is in New Jersey, and I'm having such a hard time understanding how, why... and not being with my family due to costly flights and my current pregnancy preventing me from flying, I feel at a loss for not knowing how to come to terms with this.  I feel angry for her not going soon enough and maybe they could have caught it.  My aunt battled alcoholism as well, and I'm angry at my cousins, her children, for not pushing her to stay on top of her health.  I want to cry and I want to lash out at them and scream.  I feel guilt for living in Florida and not being there when she passed last night, not being able to say goodbye, letting her know I was there.  All I have is a phone call a few weeks ago before she became unable to talk.  Why so rapid, why did it progress so quickly to the point that she couldn't even open her eyes.

I hate this cancer, I hate that it took my aunt.  The best I can do to honor my aunt is to give my child her name, Jane as it's middle name if its a girl.  We all called my aunt "AJ" for Aunt Jane.  If I have a girl, her name will be Aria Jane "AJ" or Aaron James "AJ".

I'm sorry I wasn't there when you went AJ... I don't know how to accept this. 

Tomboy

leesaasann73, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think no matter how much time there is between diagnosis and death, it is never enough. try to be glad at least, that she was not in pain for a long time. i have lost three close friens and a family member to cancer in the last seven years, two of them very close women friends. I am still grieving their loss. Just holding them in yoour memory, and sending them loving thoughts will do a great deal to help. Let your friends and family know how you feel. being able to talk about your feelings really does help. What an honor, and i am sure she would be pleased that you would name your child that. i kind of believe that it is our responsibility to love one another as well as possible, and you have done that. so please don't be too hard on yourself, for time,distance, circumstances are what they are. I am sure she knew that you loved her. That is all that is really necessary, to show and tell your love. Ever since i was a small child, i kind of had this idea about heaven, that every passed soul, would be looking over the balcony of heaven, cheering us on. I have a huge personal cheering section! my own mom's name is jane, so whenever i talk to her, i will try and remember you, to send you a warm and healing thought. Now go give and get some hugs.

Moderators

Lessaann,

We, too, are so sorry to hear this news. These feelings are certainly difficult to process, and your reactions are completely understandable. You sound like a very loving, caring neice and we're sure your Aunt appreciated every second of having you in her life.

Big hugs from us all at BCO,

--The Mods

Leesaann73

Thank you both, it's just so hard to understand.  You never think it'll happen to your mom or your aunt or anyone in your family, and when it happens to others you think God I am so fortunate to not have to deal with that.  Just yesterday a woman in our office who was given 6 months after finding out she had stomach cancer found out that 4 months later, she's in remission.  We all though thank God!  I go home only to receive the call that my aunt passed.  It felt so sudden, I found myself thinking "where was her six months and remission!"  Then it turned to anger of like why did my co-worker get a break, but my aunt went downhill at light speed!  I think when our loved ones die of natural reason we can say okay, God said it was time.  When they go to cancer, how do we reason with that?  The feelings of it being unfair and why us come on strong.

It makes it hard, and I agree, I know she's no longer suffering but I find myself questioning why her, why any of our relatives or ourselves. 

I immediately told my mom after finding out my aunt had advanced stage 4 bone and breast cancer to please go get a mamogram, and she did.  She got recalled after they saw something and I went into complete panick mode.  Turned out to be calcium deposits, but now I worry, if my aunt died of breast cancer, is it now in our genes?  are we higher risk candidates for it too?  Is this something we'll constantly have to worry about ?  I wish I knew more, and I wish it didn't take losing my aunt to suddenly wake up at how important it is to get checked early.

I appreciate everyone listening... I was hurting so bad I needed somewhere to just shout out how I was feeling, and this was the first board I came upon.  I appreciate your kind words...

Sinc. Lisa from Florida