Almost 3 years out, still so scared I won't see kids grow up

Outfield

I was getting together some records tonight because I see a new oncologist Thursday, read more of my path report than I had before.  Why, oh why?  I know the important parts.  I'm done with active treatment.  If I thought about it, I already knew I had a very aggressive cancer, I already knew I had close margins because I lost part of my pec.  But I went and read it and it's such bad news, and I am so panicked.  The fear just floods me.  My kids are so beautiful and complicated and they are only 5 and 6 now.  

I hate to wish my life away, but part of me wants it to be 15 years from now so badly, just to know that I've made it that far and my kids are launching.  I have this feeling like my life is sitting in a movie theater, enjoying this wonderful movie, but at any moment an usher is going to lean over my shoulder and say, "Ma'am, sorry to bother you but you're going to have to leave."  I don't want this interrupted.  I want my 74 years.  Really I always assumed I'd live to 90 because the average age my grandparents died at was about 92.  

I know nobody's guaranteed anything in life.  I know, I know, I know.  I am just so scared and this feels like such an unfair black cloud.  

I know a lot of you other Stage III girls will get this.  I know any stage can recur, but oh what I wouldn't give to have been diagnosed earlier and have a better shot at dying of something else.  

Momine

Sorry you are feeling so scared. It has taken me almost 2 years to read my path report, lol. I take it little bits at a time, can't deal with the whole thing in one go.

Having young kids must make all this harder. My daughter turns 21 this year. She is launched and I feel pretty confident that she will be OK, even if I keel over prematurely.

That said, I am seriously considering asking a couple of relatives to take care of her, should I die. I am also taking steps to secure her (to the extent that I can) financially.

Hopefully it is a waste of my time to do these things, but it makes me feel better. 

StefS

So sorry the ugly fear monster is roaring. I found that onc appointments would cause it to rear its head and add on the path report I do understand. That's why this is such a great place to come to. {{hugs}}

fd1

The onc appointments are terrible for me too.  All the memories come rushing back.  I always leave flushed and exhausted. 

I ended up giving the path reports to my husband to lock away from me.  I'm done with treatments.  What's in those reports doesn't matter any more and reading them was only putting me right back at the beginning of the journey.  Once was enough...

clariceak

I remember reading my path report.  I had told my onc, I didn't want to know the gory details.  I had already figured out I was in a very serious situation.  Vascular invasion, intermammary node etc and then my breast surgeon handed me the report to deliver to my primary in my hometown.  I was on the plane headed home when I opened it up, and still remember the sense of blackness descending on me.  It was even worse than I imagined.

My kids were only 11 and 7 when I was dxed. I'm now 3 three years out of treatment and although I think of cancer often, it is not with the same intensity.  I'm so grateful I have been here for my girls the last 3 years, but also sad that now my attitude toward them growing up has changed.  I don't want to rush them, but I'm also relieved at their growing independence. 

My daughter is a dancer, and her young and quite clueless lyrical instructor decided that a dance dedicated to cancer, specifically chemo treatment, would be a great theme.  So my 14 year old was up on stage in a recital outfit with a scarf wrapped around her head.  I saw her almost start to lose it and my heart ached for her.  My kids aren't as young as yours, but I know we all want to spare our kids the pain of losing their mother or even the thought that it is possible.

On a brighter note, making it to 3 years is a big accomplishment.  Don't give up on your dreams for a long life.  My aunt went through late stage breast cancer, followed by ovarian and she recently went on a solo trip to Italy at 82!

lovujja

I totally get it. Last week i completed 1 yeaer of tamoxifen and had follow up with my onco, i couldn't rest night before and had to take Ativan. My body was very heavy and i was so worried insight but couldn't tell my husband. I am very relifed after my follow up. Knock on the wood so far so good, every day is a new day and exciting day for me. I also have two little one and makes me sad with every if....I pray to God every day and moment that i will be there to see them going college.

Outfield, I pray that you will be fine. Wish you many many healthy and happy years ahead.

caaclark

I completely understand what you are feeling.  I am 7 1/2 years out and my kids were 4, 6 and 8 when I was diagnosed in 2006.  I get the wanting to just get done with the years so you can say you made it.  I still think about cancer every day but it is pretty much compartmentalized for me-at least right now.  I went through a period of time about year after treatment ended where I was pretty much terrified.  It really is normal.  I found talking about the fear with someone more objective (counselor) really helped me to reframe my experience so that I could move on with less fear.

It does get better over time but it is a gradual process.

edwards750

5 years is supposed to be a good sign..no guarantees but a good sign. When my mother was DX in the late 80's they told her 7 years. We have all read stories about ladies who have survived 10 years+ and it comes back. I dont have young children but I do have children. My youngest just graduated from college this past Sunday. I have 8 grandchildren. I have not read my Path report. Dont want to. My BS told me I had a wimpy cancer. Not sure about that but at least post lumpectomy and rads so far, so good. See the ONC on Friday. I have heard time helps. Diane

CherylinOhio

I started my 3 years this past March. It is getting easier as I do not think about bc 24/7.  I love my onc and his staff. I usually feel better after I leave him.  I have never read my path report and do not want to. He has said my bc is a garden variety and he hopes that I am a "cure", which i dont get but he is positive. He says he doesnt know what my bc will do but I appear healthy and stay active which he says is one of the best things to do.  I do not have kids but I have 4.5 nieces, well maybe a nephew, wont know til july.  I have 6 cats, 2 horses and a husband and finishing up a BS degree, I am going to live long enough to use that degree I have to still pay for!! LOL.  My onc and others say that the most common time for a reoccurence or mets is the 2nd year after active treatment which is where I am now.  Hugs to all of you!!!

pupfoster1

Yup, you hit the nail on the head. And having to look at your old records just makes it all come rushing back like it just happened. I think once you meet with the new onc they will be able to give you some reassurance. I finished chemo 3 years ago in March myself. Let yourself LIVE and enjoy life! This will pass.



Take care,

Sharon

hopefour

Outfield...you shared the emotions of a sweet mom who wants to protect, love and cherish her children...the hope of most moms!! Such an overwhelming fear and sorrow to think you won't. My children are in their teens and twenties and I so want to continue to be their mom, but my heart so goes out to you and others with young little ones!! You moms of little ones have my prayers that each will live to fulfill the sweet role of mom to them....you all need the extra encouragement to fight hard, believe the treatments are working, create a healthy life style after treatment and hold on to the power of hope you will see your little ones grown!! Don't let fear steal today from you and your children...and believe you'll be here to see your grandchildren grow up!!!

jennyboog

I've been there before, its a dose of reality.  I work at a hospital and was in a dr's office one day looking a record or something.  He has anatomy posters on his door, as I was walking out I stopped and looked at the poster.  I just stared at the breast/LN area and then the intermammary LN area.  All I could think of was how mine were +, how those lil' boogers are EVERYWHERE and how mine were filled with BC.  I had to go to the bathroom and have a good cry, it just hit me out of no where all because of a stupid anatomy poster.  The healing will continue for us forever and through little times of visiting where we came from it gets better but will never go away completely.  It is those times that remind me how precious life is, how I should cherish each breathe I take and how I'm going to keep kicking cancers a** because I want to be here for the long haul.  Best wishes with your new onc, I hope the move works out. 

wintersocks

Ladies,

I too cannot look at my path report and my partner has it so i don't stumble across it. I know the main picture. I don't want to see the details in black and white.

I know what you all mean by wanting the years to fly so that we can get the kids to a safe place. Mine are 19 and 15, but I still cry when I think I might not see them properly become adults....

Sometimes I still cannot believe I have had/have? this cancer, anyone else have this strange feeling like it actually has not happened? The last year ? chemo, mx, radiotherapy?? - It's so weird . I have to keep telling it myself over and over. I don't know, I really can't explain what I mean.......  

Outfield

Thanks all.  It helps so much to know others get it.  

My visit did go well with the new onc.  Some symptoms, so some tests ordered.  It was definitely a relief to have it done with, and hopefully will be more of a relief when all the results are back.  

AgentMo

@wintersocks: I can relate to you. I always think that chemo is a bit like birth - apparently horrible to go through (no personal experience, unfortunately - for me it was cancer instead of children), but quite easily forgotten.

SassyBee

I've wondered myself...how do you go on? Life after cancer, living in fear? I have to assume it eventually gets easier.



My children are 12 and 13. I have often thought about how lucky I am to be going through treatment while my children are old enough to be fairly self-sufficient and how hard this could have been when they were young and needier so I commend you.

karen1956

It does get better...the longer you go from Dx, the "easier" it gets....I am 7+ year since Dx....my youngest was turning 8...she is now 15....my other kids are 24 and 27.....fear of recurrence never totally leaves, but its not in the forefront of my mind....You learn to live life, sometimes its one day at a time, but that is okay......Hang in there.....

BethCon1

Not being there for my kids as they grow up is my absolute worst fear. My youngest just turned 8, he is autism spectrum and has a communication delay. He's so sensitive and has always been a mommas boy, I can't even imagine how he would react if I passed away. I HATE this damned disease!!!! I hate how that fear is always there!!

fredntan

sometimes I just feel like taking everything out of retirement fund and just blowing it. (would have to borrow against it) sometimes feel like I'm never going to make it to retirement age, so wha t is point of having it.

Anonymous

fredntan - I have thought of draining the retirement funds too, just so I could say I had fun with what I've earned the last 30 years!!  Unlike others, my motto through BC has been "knowledge is power" and I read and pondered every detail of my path report, which was probably a really dumb thing to do in hindsight. I think my family tries to downplay stuff that comes out in the news, etc. but it is always in the back of my mind. 

fd1:  I get very anxious about onc appts too -- glad I'm not alone. 

Hugs to all

kelly279

I absolutely get it. My little boy is 2 and I want to be around for it all! I was at my cousin's high school graduation not too long ago and had a panic attack because it hit me that I might not get to be there for my son's. The fear of not being here for him is heart breaking, so yeah, I completely understand.