Moms Recurrence just came back

EricD

Hi All

I have been a reader since my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 two years ago. Well she had a masectamy and chemo and rads.....and today I got a call from her doc saying its back and matasized to her kidney and 4 lymph nodes are lighting up on the PET scan. UGGGGGGH, she is almost 73. The doc wants to see her monday instead of waiting till her appointment on thursday. Now how in the world do I call her and tell we need to go in earlier. She will certainly know why we are being called in. I know there are some really strong members from reading the past two years. I thought I was strong but this was a sucker punch in the stomache. Any advice? Thanks to all in advance.

bluepearl

Oh Eric... I'm so sorry...but you just have to tell her and hug her too. Stage 4 can last a long time, especially if she is ER+/PR+/Her2-, so she can still have many years ahead. You can tell her with hope in your heart as well as the love. (((hugs))))

exbrnxgrl

Hi Eric,

So sorry to hear about your mom. Yes, it is like a punch in the gut when you get a mets diagnosis. Are you asking for advice on how to deal with it yourself, or how to help your mom deal with it? Or both, perhaps. Time, and having a treatment plan in place, make it easier but do allow yourself the time to process and be upset (because it is very upsetting!). Why is your mom's doc calling you before her?

Caryn

EricD

I guess I was asking how to tell her....there is a language barrier as my moms english is not the best. So I schedule her appointments and take her where she needs to go. The docs know to call me anytime there is something to be known or appointments to be made. My head is spinning right now I know mom will take one look at me and know something is wrong...she always could read me easily.

Moiralf

Hi Eric,

How hard for you to be the one to tell her.

My thought is honesty is the best policy. It's a terrible shock but it can be dealt with. It is not the end and there are more treatments available. I think it is unusually for mets to go to the kidneys but just shows how tricky this beast can be.

Your/her onc is getting in quick and not messing about and that is good but at the same time the rush can increase panic. Deep breaths and take one day at a time. Let her have a couple of days to process this if that is good for her. But make sure she doesn't panic and think her life is over. Just another bump in the road; huge, scary bump but not yet a mountain.

Until you both see the onc you won't have all the facts and so don't going thinking too far into the future. Hold her, hug her and make sure she knows you are there for her. You need her too.

All the very best for Mon and hope your onc has a great plan for her.

Moira

EricD

Well my mom did her first round of chemo on May 30th and she did not take it well. She was very sick nausea and diaherrea and very tired for about a week. She was very sad during all this and said she didnt want to go through this again. When she had chemo her first time in 2011 she said she would never go through that again. Yesterday she called the oconlogist and told him she was done. He tried to convince her to go one more time then do a scan to see if the cancer shrunk at all. She said no. Today was suppose to be her 2nd treatment, my mom is good with her decision but its very hard on me. My mom said she would like to enjoy quality of life without being sick how ever long she may have. The dr told her 6-12 months, but with her tiny frame she is 5'3" and 127 pounds very fragile I am scared to death it will be the lower range. I am not ready to lose my mom and I think about all the good things she did for me and all the great times we shared but as I think about that I start to think about how we will never do those things again. She will always for doing something on the spur of the moment and even when the grandkids call her shes jumps and says lets go. We have this thing where Id call her and say mom you want to "hit the road" and shed say lets go....without ever asking where. 

My mom is my best friend and I am having a hard time with this. Did I fail her as a son by not encouraging her harder to do the treatments, did I do the right thing by supporting her wish? She tells me I have to be strong and not cry but thats not possible. We were suppose to be there today at 11:45 am but instead Im going to take her to lunch. I know I need to focus on the time left but the mind keeps focusing on the times that wont be there. Sorry just venting right now.

Anonymous

Eric,

You did not fail as a son. It sounds like you are wonderful and loving son to care so much about your mom.  It may be that after she has a chance to think about her chances a bit she may go for another round. In the meantime you can only be supportive and hope for the best.  But don't blame yourself!

Cancer is evil and random and a sad, sorry business.  It seems no one is immune.  I can understand how sad you must be. Sad is okay.  And it's okay for your mom to be sad too.

There is, I think, a forum on these discussion boards for caregivers.  It sounds like you need some support for yourself, so you might try dropping in there too. But post anytime here that you need. We are here for you.

((hug)))

Claire