Feeling down & lonely

indenial

Guess I just need to "talk" a bit. I'm feeling so down lately. 

Part of it is the obvious, that in the last 2 months I've been diagnosed with cancer, had major surgery, and am about to start chemo. There's that constant fear that I had undiagnosed mets & could die. I am an anxious person to begin with but cancer sure isn't helping. I had PTSD from completely unrelated issues and now I'm feeling like I have some kind of trauma reaction to cancer, too.

I'm also worried about my support system. I'm not in contact with any family (well, aside from my husband and my four-year-old) and only have fewer than 10 friends. A lot of my friends (all?) are going through tough stuff of their own, some of it very serious. I'm not sure if their own struggles are limiting their availability or if me having cancer scares them. Some have become a lot more distant, and even when I'm around friends I find a lot of them just don't even know how to talk to me anymore or something. I am still the same person but I feel like almost everyone acts differently around me. I know they want to be supportive & helpful but many of them literally can't be, and some of the others seem unsure of how to be supportive. And I am kind of independent, don't like to need help, so it's hard accepting the help that's offered. Now I find myself really distancing myself from almost everyone. I can see myself doing this & know it's probably not healthy but I can't help it. I feel lonely and I'm making it worse!

My husband is wonderful but is gone 12 hours a day and sleeps 10 hours a day and spends the other 2 hours taking care of our son so I can rest. So we hardly see each other and when we do we are both too tired to really talk or spend time together.

I'm a stay at home mom and worried about taking care of my son throughout chemo. I had planned to rely more heavily on my friends, ask them to come play with him and stuff, but with everything they are all going through, I don't feel like it will be possible to lean on them as much as I might need to. Instead I am hoping I can just do all this alone and won't have unbearable side effects that prevent me from caring for my child. My plan for my first chemo is to have DH drop me off and play with DS and then pick me up. Part of me wishes he could stay with me but then we'd have no one to watch our son & I'm not sure he'd be allowed to stay too. 

This all just feels hard and isolating. I don't feel like anyone can really understand. I knew practically nothing about BC before I was diagnosed, so I don't really expect my friends to totally get what I'm going through. If I were them, I wouldn't get it, wouldn't be able to wrap my head around the long-term stuff, probably wouldn't really know how to act either.

I wanted another child. My son wants a sibling. I'm watching that dream slip away and it hurts so much. Everything hurts... I was really, really struggling before BC... struggling with PTSD, health issues, financial demise... and this just feels like the last straw sometimes. Other times I am surprised at how strong I feel through all this. Today I am not feeling strong or positive at all though.  

softness1

You're not alone. At least you have a DH. My ex left me 3 weeks after my bilaterial. The majority of my family is out of state and I have an elderly aunt, who I truly hate to bother. I'm doing chemo and I have a 19 yr old in college & a 16 year old. I'm working through chemo. It gets lonely, because my youngest is into sports and work, so I'm alone most of the time. I try to look at the things I do have. I'm still here. As bad as it is, it could be so much worse. I read some of the post on this site and I literally cry with what some of these ladies are going through. I feel guilty sometimes, complaining. 

My aunt told me that she wants to help and stop being so heroic and so independent. She told me my pride stops people from helping because they think I have everything covered and I told her that I don't want to bother people because they have their own problems, but she asked "When will there ever be a time when our friends are not going through things?"  I think people want to help, but don't know how to and if we don't let it be known that we need help, how do we know they won't? .

I've been doing chemo on Thursdays and taking Fridays off so I can deal with any SE over a 3 day period (sometimes I take that Mon off) I usually get everything I'll need that week before and so I don't have to be out driving and running errand because my 16 year old doesn't drive. My son has his Jr. Prom this Friday and I have chemo this Thursday. I hope I'll be okay and well enough to take pictures and be there for him, but my aunt and my friend who lives over and hour away are coming over!! I'm so touched..  Just like I was on Christmas when my brother and his family drove all the way up from Virginia to NY to bring Christmas to me & make sure my boys weren't down.. I had surgery a week before xmas and definitely wouldn't have felt like doing much, but my sister in law cooked, my neice was there.  You never know how much people truly care.. They missed Christmas at their house to spend it with me. And we had a blast. just seeing that everyone was happy, laughing, playing games made me feel so much better. I was in a lot of pain, but it seemed less that day. 

I had immediate one step reconstruction and it's such a bother. I can feel the implants constantly. I feel and look like a monster and I'm single!!!! Who's really going to bothered. I don't even have nipples yet. I'm 42 years old and I am resigned with being alone. My youngest will be graduating next year and after that it's just me...  But like I said I try not to concentrate on the negative otherwise I'd go insane..lol..

I hope you can have another baby!?? But think about the women on here who never got to have 1.. My cousin got breast cancer in her early 30's and always wanted a baby.. That's no longer an option  for her. ..You have that little one. you have that joy!!! you have a husband who works hard for you guys, you don't have to go to work after chemo. There are support groups out there. Maybe contact them and meet people who can relate. But you are blessed.  

Try concentrating on the good.. It's hard to do, but it helps

Cuetang

I'm in the same boat as you indenial, and you've written so many of the similar fears that I have. With you talks about kids, I'm going to guess that that you and i are somewhat close in age? (I'm 33). Just wanted to let you know that there are others that fully understand what you are going through so please don't feel lonely. I've seen ways that other moms with young kids found to deal with their kids during chemo (some blogs), so I'm sure you'll find a few creative ideas along the way! This is a really sucky thing we have to go through, don't hesitate to PM me if you need to chat. Many hugs to you!

gonegirl

One thing cancer has taught me is to ask for help.  I am single and without my friends, and some family, I would never make it. When I started thinking I was being a bother, I told a friend, and she told me to "get the f*ck over it and keep on asking for help."

Life is too hard to be lived alone.  Let people help, and they'll know that when there turn comes to be in the barrel, you will be there for them.

Susan

Catie2013

I think a saying a good friend told me might come in to play here: When you are at your low point, help someone else. It takes your mind off of you and puts you into a feel good mode! I know it's hard to find the time with a 4 year old and just having your MX in Feb, but maybe a 'reach out' phone call to a friend or make a short play date for your son which means you watching another's child so they could go shopping for a few hours?? Something to make you feel good for helping someone else.



Its hard going through a dx, wondering if every ache and pain is mets or if it's normal. I'm sure I drove my first MO nuts with asking if this ache or pain was cancer mets, and at one point he told me "even cancer pts get colds, aches, and grow old"....put it in perspective (my first go round I had a lumpectomy - and try as I might, I was so blindsided by the BC dx that I thought I was going to be dx again, and again. I was, but 18 years later! And a different type and breast.



I was a single mother, a 16 year old, a new job, and 3 sons in college. I had to work and it kept me sane (and I consider taking care of a 4 year old a more than full time job). I did the chemo on Friday afternoon, leaving work a little early and recouped on the weekends. Then when it came time for RT I still kept on working but did the RT on my lunch hour. We all are resourceful. When I found I couldn't keep straight in my mind where I parked my car, I asked the Dr for a handicap sticker. When I knew I was going to be holed up in my bedroom during the weekends of chemo, I asked my co-workers to come and have a bedroom makeover party - they came, painted my walls, moved my furniture so it was easier for me to watch movies next to the bathroom where I spent a lot of time, and even moved my tv for me - I supplied the pizza. You have to ask - they came through and felt part of helping me, and also feeling good helping someone - maybe getting themselves out of feeling down!?



This time around I started a CaringBridge blog, sent it to my close friends, my church friends, my old friends and my family. I was able to put what I needed at what time I needed it and I had people come through in various ways that surprised me with their generosity (as in staying as a caregiver with me out of town for a week or more each!)



Your topic apealed to the side of me that wanted to let you know you aren't alone, this site is full of people just like me who would love to come and give you a big hug, but can do it only by cyberspace. We all have had that nasty dx and wish no one else needed ever get it. The best advice is to let people know you need them. And, we need you!

indenial

Thank you all.

I know I need to look on the bright side but there are so many tough things happening in my life and in the lives of those closest to me, that it's really really hard to see the good right now. And I usually put 100% into helping my friends, and it does bring me out of my own misery... but right now I feel like I have nothing left to give, and just can't even manage to pick up the phone or write an email.

I guess I am most scared about going through chemo alone. I had hoped to rely a lot more on my friends. There are only a handful of people that even know I have cancer and out of that group virtually everyone is tapped out, and I don't mean with everyday issues but really serious stuff (deaths in the family, that kind of thing). 

My husband will do his best to be supportive. He just is very tired, very disorganized, and very overwhelmed. I was on temp. disability before I was diagnosed with BC and right after my mastectomy I got a notice in the mail that I had exhausted my benefits. We are now applying for food stamps and state health insurance and even if we can get that help I don't know if we'll be able to pay our bills. Just applying for this stuff is stressful and eating up time I don't have! There is so much to do and so little time to do it in.

Cuetang -- I am 30 years old. It's good to know there are others my age going through this (well, not "good" but you know what I mean!) I would love to see some of the blogs about dealing with kids during chemo, if you have any links handy. I am putting together a box of stuff he can do beside me while I lay in bed, but he is not easy to entertain and is a very anxious & high needs kid. 

I am wondering if I need to tell more people about my diagnosis, simply so I can get more support, but I feel extremely uncomfortable doing that! The only people I can even think of are former co-workers and others that I haven't talked to in ages so it just seems inappropriate to share this with them. I'm sure I could make a facebook page or blog and get a ton of acquaintances involved but it feels wrong, like I am burdening people with my problems when they hardly know me. 

Sigh. It is good to connect with you all on here & I know I am not really alone, it just feels that way sometimes.

gonegirl

When my mom died, friends I was sure would help, didn't. One woman who helped the most had been a complete stranger to me. She told me that people I thought would help, often won't. And people you least expect, will help. Chemo ain't the time for you to help. You need help. Perhaps call the social worker at your cancer center and ask for resources. Often there are organizations that will help others who are going through cancer treatment. Many times the folks who are helping are those who have been there themselves.



Check out my site www.uppitycancerpatient.com. I started a resource page listing some of these organizations. If you find more, let me know. There is help and the folks helping are really very happy to help. I know that I am very, very grateful for all the help I got, and now that I'm in a better space and have more energy, I am damn happy to bake a casserole, give someone a ride, or just sit with someone.

ssla01

Great post grit girl!