Depression.....severe

Theresanne

I was diagnosed January 2012 with 2a node negative breast cancer. I've been through TAC chemo, finished July 2012. I got through emotionally ok...so I thought. I've adopted a vegan lifestyle...no sugars...no alchohol...exercising daily...lost 30 lbs. on femara...had bilateral mastectomy. So I thought in doing all that I can control would help me to move on...doing everything I can to prevent recurrence. However...I am in such a hole...I am crying all of the time. I can't even let my husband near me physically because of how horrible I feel about myself...no breasts, horrible hair and old looking skin...I feel as though I should just divorce him so he could move on. I have two children...1 in college and 1 graduatin high school in 2 yrs. I try for them to keep up an outward positive attitude..but I am dying inside. I feel as though I shoul have everyone move on because I know that this beast will come back and kill me so what's the point. My husband should move on so he can have a life and the kids a new mom. I take an anti anxiety medication but it just makes me sleepy. Tried a therapist...just a lot of talking...talking. I came here because I am so broken down...

mrenee68

Theresanne I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Have you talked to your husband and told him what you are feeling? Are you on any anti-depressants? Was your therapist specializes in people with cancer?

I know at one point I told my husband that whenever he was tired of all this craziness it was ok for him to leave. I didn't want my awful attitude and all of my crying and such to bring him down. Of course he told me he wasn't going anywhere.

Have you talked to any of your Drs?

Don't give up your family loves you and obviously you love them if you are willing to sacrifice your happiness for theirs. Keep asking for help, someone will hear you.

Hang in there and keep pushing forward, this to shall pass.

Theresanne

Thank you....

Lily55

I feel like you too, nothiong brings me any joy its like i am on the outside of life looking in but not feeling part of it........I do think letrozole has a role in this as it starves us of oestrogen and thus also affects our serotonin levels.....I do things but I don´t feel them

Colt45

I am a husband and the last thing I EVER want is to go.



My wife is THE woman I want my life with. That's it. Period.



If this man loves you, don't push him away. THAT could hurt him more than anything. Embrace the love. Let the love pull you through.



My wife confided in me that she 'thought I'd want to leave'... I don't think she so much thought I'd really do that---but rather it was the low worth she was placing on herself because she was down.



I would never leave her because I love her. We ALL lose our physical selves eventually. I married her for who and what she is in totality. A few changes to her physical being doesn't change that. And she'll rebound. Get better. Feel better. And THAT will be the triumph that NOBODY would want to miss. Life will be sweeter than ever. Who among us gets to look into those eyes years later that we looked into when we took our vows----and KNOW just what and who is behind those eyes? Only the luckiest among us. Embrace the love. Let it pull you through.

And I am sure that your beautiful children don't want another mommy. They want YOU. Huddle close together. Lean on each other. Let this be an opportunity for life lessons for your children about love and family. Embrace the love. Let it pull you through.



You will DO this!

edwards750

Theresanne - wow we all know about the emotional rollercoaster you are on. Confiding in a therapist and most importantly, your husband, is a way for you to vent and express your fears but the bottom line is it has to be you making yourself feel better. There is no sure fire way to do that other than time, good reports and coming to terms with this beast we have all been burdened with. No one blames any of us, and dont care if they do, if we get embittered or angry because we are the unchosen ones. I went through the dx, lumpectomy and treatment in a fog. I didnt allow myself time to even grieve about the sentence that was imposed on me. I think for me allowing myself to what some consider to be wallowing in self pity would just make matters worse. Dont get me wrong we all have a right to do that. We didnt ask for this and some of us have led perfectly healthy lifestyles so why did it happen to them or us? For me my mother had bc and now my sister does as well. We carried the gene apparently. I am the poster person for anxiety so it has been an uphill battle for me not to do the hang wringing all day. I have read alarming stories about early stage bc which I have too faced with the monster coming back but conversely I have read stories from ladies where the reverse is true so you just dont ever know and neither do the drs. They can only guess...educated guess but a guess nonetheless. Take some stock from the husband who just posted. I think he says it very well. He sounds like a great guy. For the vast majority of husbands they married us for other than a physical attraction. Granted we still want to feel attractive and we can do that even minus one boob or like me with a disfigured one. The thing is you can do everything right and you can still get it...not trying to be religious but it after all is in Gods hands. I try very hard to keep the faith and keep my chin up. You should do likewise. This is a great forum and has been my lifeline from the getgo. Good luck. diane

Colt45

I will add this. My wife is beautiful. No hair but she is beautiful. TEs in right now but she is beautiful.



I thought she was beautiful when we met. I will not lie, I was physically attracted to her... but I still am. She has the prettiest eyes and smile. Always did. No lashes or brows right now---and her eyes are still beautiful. And someday when she's old, her eyes will be cloudy and her teeth no longer her own.... and she'll still be beautiful. Why? Because we evolve. We grow. Beauty takes on new forms. More substantial forms. My wife's spirit is beautiful. There's nothing more beautiful in the world.

Theresanne

I can't thank everyone enough who has responded....you are such beautiful souls.

wenweb

Hi Theresanne, Terrible bummed out place to find oneself.  My advise is to find an antidepressant that helps you.  I have always been against them personally, and didn't really understand how it could help if one was in (what I call) situational depression.  Well, my doctor finally talked me into trying again (I'd tried 3 different ones in the past 2 years with no help).  I decided to stick with it, and low and behold, I feel like a different person.  It is a miracle to me.  Are my problems gone?  No!!, Do the same things still bother me??  Not nearly as much.  My anxiety level is way down and I just don't get riled up the way I used to.  When I look back on the person I was only a couple of months ago, I can see what sad shape she was in.  I don't want to be in that place ever again.  I am so thankful that I decided to give it one more try.  I don't plan to stay on antidepressants for the rest of my life (although I feel so good that I want to), but it will hopefully be a stepping stone to move on and approach life from the other side.

Best Wishes and Good-Luck

Colt45

@Theresanne:



And YOU are a beautiful soul. And a beautiful wife. And a beautiful mom. YOU inspire. And NOT because you're perfect... but actually because you are NOT, and especially because---despite not being perfect----you have given all that you have, moved forward as far as you have...



You're allowed to feel down.



But you deserve to feel wonderful. Bless you ...and better days ahead with your beautiful family.

lekker

My heart aches for you.  I wish I had some great advice for you but I don't, but the anguish in your post made me feel like I at least had to try.  I hope that even if it doesn't help, that it won't in any way make you feel worse.  I do know that it can take several tries to find the right therapist you can really connect with, but I also understand how much energy it takes to keep trying - energy it doesn't sound like you have right now.  Have you tried any kind of cognitive behavioral therapy?  I only ask because you sound like a "do-er" from your post and it might help to have tasks to "do" rather than just talking.  Or maybe a totally different approach like meditation where you learn to just "be".  You've managed to control so many factors in your life (diet, exercise, etc) but none of us has ultimate control over this disease.  I don't say that from a helpless or weak point of view, rather one of acceptance that this isn't about whether or not I'm strong enough, positive enough, disciplined enough, etc.  OK, I just made it about me... 

You have done and are currently doing everything you feel you can to keep yourself physically healthy.  You have endured months of surgeries and treatments.  You have made lifestyle choices that will improve your overall health.  You have done more than many of us have managed to do.  Would you tell anyone else that they should just give up and let everyone else move on?  I bet you would never say something like that to a comrade on these boards.  So why don't you deserve the same love and compassion that I'm guessing you'd be willing to give any one of us?  It sounds like your husband wants you, not a "healthy" wife.  And I know that your children want you over anyone else on the planet (in the same way that I know that even when I'm at my worst, my children would still want me - even though they might say things to the contrary in the heat of the moment). 

I hope you find some peace and joy very soon.  With gentle hugs...

Lily55

Wenweb which anti dep are you on please?

Jules59

Theresanne,  trust me, Femera can do funny things to your mind.  I was switched from Tamox to Femara about a year ago.  I became increasingly depressed and irritable.  I was thinking many of the same thoughts you are thinking now.  I began to hate everything and everybody, including myself.  You know that feeling you have in your throat when you are trying to choke back tears?  You get a big lump, your throat is so tight you can hardly swallow?  Well, I felt that way 24/7.  I told the NP at my Oncologist's office about my symptoms, and she put me on Effexor.  What a difference it has made!  I'm no longer irritable and depressed, and I sleep so much better.  My attitude was putting a strain on my marriage, but now things are so much better.

Please talk to your doctor asap.  He/she may be able to change your antidepressant to one that will really help.  I sincerely hope things get better for you soon.  I know your family loves and needs you.

wenweb

Hi Lily55,  I'm on Zoloft.

jenjenl

I was put on celexa because I was a hot mess and it has done wonders for me.  I am a much happier person now. 

Lily55

I do think some of mine is Femara (letrozole) as I have never felt like this before or been so tearful

Alicethecat

Hello Theresanne

Is there any way you can be kind to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for all you've gone through?

You have addressed a very challenging situation and are trying to get as much control over it as possible.

I well know the feeling of being sad re loss of breasts and hair, having papery skin and a fear of recurrence - sound all too familiar.

Like you, I went down the diet route, adopting a low fat, low sugar, low starch diet. But I developed anaemia from lack of iron from lack of meat so it is on to organic steaks now.

Just a thought but could you be anaemic? That makes people feel pretty low. I've also adopted a paraben and pesticide-free route.

Is there any way that you can focus on the thought that you are/have done everthing you can and give yourself a pat on the back? Maybe even a round of applause?

Knowing I'm doing/have done everything I can means I sleep easy in my bed most nights. 

I hope you will experience this peace soon. 

Jules59

I became anemic too.  But not because I was iron deficient.  It was because I was hypothyroid.  Low thyroid can make you very depressed.

Theresanne

Everyone..you are so kind to respond. As far as being anemic..I have been vegetarian for about 8yrs. For ethical reasons. I became strict vegan because of the hormones in cheese and dairy...also for the animals. However..I eat a very balanced diet, many vegetables with iron, alot of quinoa...a complete protein, watch amino acids..beans with rice for ex., etc.....take b complex vitamins. I lost weight because of cutting out all white flours, sugars...absolutely no sweets. My oncologist was concerned with my vegan diet..ran several tests to check levels..all very good. I make sure i cover all nutritional needs. My best friend is a dietician, also a breast cancer survivor of 12 years, my brother a biochemist, directs me with supplements. I am so sad because I just cannot wrap my head around this. So afraid of the future...upset with present. I will try to work on all of this because as you all said...I must for my family. You are all so kind...

netty46

Theresa get out and get a makeover if you do not like what you see. Hey get a new hair style and color. Do your nails. Get a facial. Then go buy a nice chick outfit. Chemo and the stress brings us done and makes us look run down at times but that's reversible. Go out and get that old sexy back. Do it girl !

Consider reconstruction .

Lindamichelle

New here I feel like its still a night mare my family seem to hate me I was angry at there lack of support and since then I have almost no contact my b day Sunday one yr post diagnosis one of my 3 daughters dropped in and my son 17 and her were so mean one didn't call and abused me when I called her its like I've lost them they treat of as if it were a cold and I should be over it even though my bro in law died of cancer Thursday I just want to forget it ever happened so scared of next tests so lonely

farmerlucy

When I was in the dark well last year, I told my husband he "chose poorly". That was a riduculous statement on my part. I spent about 4 months in the darkness, sometimes just trying to get by minute by minute. It doesn't help that I am heading straight into menopause and I am crazy to start with.. If your first counselor did not help try another. I dropped the first one and went with one of the Stephen Ministers from our church. She was an angel sent from heaven. Also I used antianxiety meds and an antidepressant. I'm not going off the antidepressant until I know I am well past menopause. I'm sorry you are suffering. Praying for your comfort.