Am I still a woman??

harmony_shines

I just joined breastcancer.org forum today.  

I had a hysterecomy Oct 2001.  I was diagnosed with IDC Nov 27, 2011.  Had bilateral mastecomy and complete lymphnode dissection (left) on Jan 27, 2012.  I was diagnosed with lymphedema in Mar 2012 and just recently, finally got a pump that I have to use for one hour twice a day.  I have to take a lot of pain meds and experience a great deal of fatigue.

My husband did not touch me, except a pat on the head, after I was diagnosed.  I finally left him in Sep 2012.  I have a loving boyfriend now.  He was a friend for three years before we got involved and our friendship has really made a strong, more intimate relationship.  I have resisted getting involved with support groups until now.  As loving and supportive as my boyfriend is, there are so many things that he just doesn't understand.  How could he?

I have been called a survivor most of my life, because I experienced a severe trauma as a small child which resulted in severe chronic post traumatic stress disorder and eventually resulted in the hysterectomy.  I can't tell you how much I hate that word; "survivor."  I don't know why I survived then or why I have survived the cancer.  Only God can say.

I told my boyfriend once that I didn't feel much like a woman anymore.  Most of my "girl" parts are gone and I can do little to help around the house.  He took my face in his hands and said, "You are still you and I love you."  As beautiful and sweet as that was, I am still left with a feeling of incompleteness.  I am not sure why I am sharing this with perfect strangers.  Most of the time i am confident and trusting that God is with me and there is nothing to fear.  My brother was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness that is causing his nervous system to atrophy, so he and I have had a lot of talks about facing death and our faith in God.  We have very different beliefs, but respect those differences and even find comfort in them.  

As I read my own words, I find so many things to be thankful for.  I wonder how I can still feel incomplete.  I can still have loving relationships; I have my sons, my mother, my siblings, my boyfriend, my friends.  How can I still feel this way?  Maybe I just need to be the one to cry for a change.  Maybe I have been a pillar of strength for too long, comforting others when I needed so much just to be held while I cry.  

ReneeinOH

Dear harmony shines, you may have started to answer your own question in your last two sentences.  And, I hope just writing and sharing this proves to be a cathartic experience.

The loss of our female parts can impact how we feel.  But, objectively, it does not change that we are women. It sounds as if you've surrounded yourself with people that love and care about you.  Be sure to let them do that.

I've also struggled with the word survivor.  I don't want to be a survivor.  I want to be a thriver.  A victor.  

glostagirl

Welcome to the site, sorry you have to be here but hope you find it a welcoming, safe place to vent and to learn about and from others.  I know I have.  Don't think of us as stranger's, we're sisters on the same journey, here to help one another not feel alone.   

From my own experience, yes, it is difficult to be the pillar of strength day in and day out, when in reality, you just want to wake up and have it all just be a bad dream.  I wish I had the secret to not feeling the way you do; I think you know it already - finding something to be grateful for everyday.  Do whatever you can to be a beautiful person, inside and out.  I know if I don't motivate myself to get out of my sweats, shower, put on a nice outfit (I don't necessarily mean fancy or dressy, just not sweats!) and a little makeup, I feel pretty crummy by the end of the day.  

Helping others on this site and locally has made a big difference in my own journey, you sound like an insightful person with a lot to offer, I hope you'll continue to join in!  There are conversations here that transcend diagnosis, treatment, surgery, etc....  Those of us who have moved on from active treatment remain to offer support and to discuss the big and little things in life.  You might find like minded folks in one  of the religious threads, a book or bird lover thread and maybe even the I Want my Mojo Back! thead.  

Glad you found us.

harmony_shines

Thank you so much for being here when I needed you.  And thank you so much for making me feel welcome ... especially letting me know that the general attitude of the group is that of sisters rather than strangers.  I have four sisters, but thankfully none of them have had to face BC.  It is very comforting to know that I have sisters out there who understand this part of me.  I dearly wish that none of us had to face such an "experience," but I can be thankful for the ability to reach out to you.  

I was talking a little bit with my brother about how the loss of my breasts has affected me.  I explained that the "bosom" is the part of a woman where she holds her babies, feeds her babies, feels hugs, etc.  I started to cry and told him that I can barely feel hugs anymore.  It was that point that helped him understand on a new level.  

Today I just feel grateful!  I have such a loving family.  We are as dysfunctional as any other, but we all know how to love and express compassion.  What a gift amongst the tragedies!  Learning to let them love me and even take care of me to a certain point has been quite an experience.  I am so accustomed to being the one to help others.  I think learning to accept help and love is just as important.  I realized that every time I helped someone, it made me feel good.  My situation has allowed me to learn to accept help, love, and care because I can see that they too feel that joy when they help me in some way.  I am so grateful for that insight.

Thank you again for welcoming me into the "sisterhood."  It means a great deal to me.  I hope that I might help someone else at some point.  I am deeply grateful.  Thank you!

Lily55

I said the very same words as you last year as my breast was the last womanly bit to go....(I still have one breast but I think it makes me look like a freak and Cyclops so it does not count..) but I am still definitely a woman....I have done a LOT of crying and grieving and still do and think this may perhaps be the time for you now.......everyone talks about our surgeries but losing a breast is an amputation......of course you need to grieve and maybe this lovely man now allows you space to do so......