I'm Scared!!!

Lisa1637

I'm going to quit the intellectualizing and just say it!

I'm scared!!!!  I'm sad!!! and...feeling alone!!!

I've handled the 6 biopsys, Dx, and all the rest including the mystery of the floating clip, yet here I am at the first meeting with RO and it's hit.  And yet, I take inventory of all I'm grateful for:

An early diagnosis....i mean it's 'just' stage zero...DCIS

my wonderful sister-in-law who has schlepped to all these appointments and took care of me after my lumpectomy and said nothing about my dog peeing on her new carpet...twice.

I'm grateful that my brother makes me laugh...

My loving nephews (9) and neice (1).....

I'm grateful that I have a mom I can vent to about everything!!

I am grateful I don't feel as weepy now after yoga as I did an hour ago.

I 'm grateful that an old family friend said to me yesterday, "I love radiated breasts."

There's probably more but right now I'm on my pity potty and ashamed that I am.  I hate that I'm single without children of my own and struggle to  find meaning...and still, ashamed that I do have much to be thankful for...

Lastly, I'm grateful for you guys....xo

ReneeinOH

What you are feeling is completely normal Lisa.  It will get better...and then worse...and then better.  I just caught a thread yesterday how less strong some people felt once all their treatments were past than they did while going through treatment.  It's hard to come to terms with this, especially since we can't knock the cancer out and be assured we're done with this fight.  It sucks. Period.  If you can find times when the Big C isn't front and center in your life (delve into work, or take the weekend off from this [stop researching, talking about, etc.], that you can find some peace.  I try to avoid reading, logging into discussion groups after 8 pm so I don't go to bed thinking about BC).

chrissyb

Lisa, you are not alone in feeling the fear........we have all been there and done that. I know that you move through the dx, the biopsies and the lumpectomy with a feeling of dread and numbness but there comes a point when the reality of it all sets in and that is right where you are now. Believe me, it does get better and you learn to accept it for what it is and the fact that you are doing all that you can to prevent it from returning.



This whole thing is a process and one that takes time.........please don't beat yourself up for having all these feelings and emotions........they are perfectly normal.



Love n hugs. Chrissy

Lisa1637

Thank you for your support and encouragement Chrissy!  I guess I just feel like I'm falling apart today.  I read yesterday that real strength is what you do after you've fallen apart...or something like that...

Lisa1637

Renee...thank you!  so right about getting off line...

chrissyb

Lisa we all have days like that but tomorrow is a new day.......look forward, never back.



Love n hugs. Chrissy

CarolynVM

Hi Lisa, of COURSE we get scared!  We're not fools.  We know this is a big deal even if we have a fabulous outlook.  Just being linked to the word "cancer" is terrifying.  That's when I start muttering, "Stay in the day, stay in the day, stay in the day."  TODAY I am definitely not dying.  TODAY I have nothing specificly terrifying happening to me.  TODAY I can cope fairly easily with side effects.  TODAY I am alive, in love with my family and loved in return.  TODAY I will stay in the day!  Works for me.

Lisa1637

Thanks, Carolyn.  One day at a time...:)

ReneeinOH

Love that, Carolyn!

SelenaWolf

I was a rock all through the diagnostic process and surgery.  Couldn't wait to start chemotherapy, so I could really begin kicking some butt.  Celebrated losing my hair 'cause it meant the chemotherapy was doing its job.  Embraced the wigs.  Knew deep in my gut that I could do this. 

Then, part-way through radiation, I was blindsided by complete and utter panic.  Lasted for months.  Funny how that happens.

mrenee68

Scared is okay, sad is okay, mad is okay, it's all part,of this journey. I remember telling my husband I can't do this, I don't want to do this. But some time has passed and guess what, I'm doing it. Is is fun, no not always, but everyday is getting easier. Do I still have bad days, of course it's going to take time. You are entitled to your feelings, so have a pity party if you need to. Just know that tomorrow is a new day and that means you have a chance to start new.

Lisa1637

Thank you selena and renee.  Hearing your experiences/feelings really help.  xo

ImpatientPatient

Hi Lisa - I still have days and sometimes weeks like this 3 yrs out. I remember during treatment being so strong. I worked throughout, traveled (for work) during weeks two and three of each of my chemo cycles and then suddenly found myself in tears during a post infusion checkup. I just broke out sobbing and my favorite nurse, Derrick, looked at me and I just had to tell him I was feeling sorry for myself. I was scared and tired. It still happens from time to time even though I have been NED for 2.5 years. It isn't necessarily logical.



Try to show yourself compassion by not judging yourself.



Send happy, peaceful thoughts your direction.

softness1

Woo woo woo ((((hugs)))

I get it.....I am down to only crying about 2-3 days a week now.... I am kind of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems so far away. But I will make it and so will you.

Your sister in law sounds great!!!! You are lucky to have family near. I wish I had mine around but we're all in different states.

patti13

Hi Lisa

Just had a good 2 year check-up....and today I realized I have been on this site for 6 HOURS!  Why I do not know....I should be off doing something fun!  Altho this site is great - it sometimes can be obsessive if you let it.  I am assuming that b/c the whole ordeal was front and center this week...this is how I came to spend my whole damn day here.  Brought my scary feelings to the fore.....don't feel ashamed in any way.  Tomorrow is a new day.  One foot in front of the other for awhile.....

Lisa1637

Thanks impatient...

and my heart goes out to you when you're having tougher moments...

I had a moment the morning of my RO consult which prompted this thread and tomorrow is my first day of radiation and I'm actually feeling positive.  I'm prepared knowing some days I'll feel less encouraged and I'm letting myself of the hook to have a little pity party.  But more and more I am really grateful for the days that are calm...xo Lisa

Lisa1637

Thanks softness...you will make it...hugs and comfort for you!

Patti...Front and center you are so right.  Need a new answer to What's new?  Other than Cancer...:)

Congrats on your good 2 year report!!