My mom's breast cancer has spread...I am so scared.

kimberlybimberly

Has been a pretty rough year so far. My grandmother passed away earlier this month, then we found out my mom's breast cancer has spread to her bones, liver, lungs, and a few other spots..she started chemo again today. Two years ago she had a double mastectomy and chemo. She was fine for awhile, then started having pain in her back and coughing a lot.

When I got the news I just cried and said "I don't understand...I don't understand.." My mom is only 48 years old. This can't be happening. I need my mom. I am so scared. She has a wonderful doctor who says they will try and shrink the tumors with chemo, but it won't completely cure it...just slow it down. I am trying so hard to be strong for my mom. I know how scared she is..but she keeps saying everything happens for a reason and everything will be okay. She cared for my sick grandmother for years, even when she was doing chemo the first time, she always put my grandma's health first. Now that my grandma is gone I cannot even imagine losing my mom. I hate cancer. It took my great grandpa, my grandpa, my grandma, and now my mom has to battle this terrible thing again.

Is it normal to feel like this is all just a bad dream? Like it's not really happening? I cry randomly throughout the day, mostly in the shower where my mom cannot hear or see me. Before all this happened I had plans to move out of state this year with my boyfriend for school, now I know I cannot leave my mom. 

I am so scared. That is all I can say...I am so scared. I am holding onto any faith I have left. I've been so distracted lately. At work I can barely focus, but I am trying. My work knows what is going on and says I can take any time off if needed. When I am out with my boyfriend or friends I feel guilty that I am not home with my mom. I feel guilty for even laughing or smiling lately when I know she is going through this. Are these normal feelings? I am almost 24 years old..a grown adult, I am trying very hard to stay put together for my mom. What else can I do?

Moiralf

What you are feeling is very normal.

Like you said it has been a tough year. There is still grief for your grandma and now this. 

There is so much in your post to respond to but I'm going with hold on and look after each other. That doesn't mean not doing your own things. You need that that normalcy in your life and you still have your own life to live. I can hear how much you want to be there for your mum and you are but you have a life too. Your mum is probably having her sad times too and won't be wanting to add to your burden.It is all normal to feel overwhelmed and so truly devastated by this. Scared is perfectly ok. 

Once treatment gets underway and you both can see how things are working you might feel more in control.

Maybe you could look into whether your cancer centre has counselling help for women and their families. Being able to raise all your fears with a professional and not keep them inside might help get some control back. It might be good for you mum too. She will be dealing with stuff from caring for your grandma to her own stuff to what is happening with you. She might need help sorting all that out. Just an idea. Lots of things will be swirling around just now and time will help to settle them.

Never feel bad for smiling and having fun. Life is for being happy too and it is so important to get some joy and happiness in such a tough time.It doesn't might you are not treating things seriously enough but if we didn't laugh sometimes we would spend way too much time crying and that helps no-one.

Life is hard to understand sometimes and we question why? There is no real answer to that either. Just getting on with loving each other and living each day the best way we know how.

All the very best to your mum and you. 

Moira

CMRhodes

Hi Kimberly~

I'm so very sorry that you've had to find out how much cancer sucks at your age.  Having watched it take my grandfather, aunt, and most recently my mother I can understand what you're going through and feeling.  It is perfectly normal to be scared right now, and to want to wake up to realize it was all just a dream, but wake up living this nightmare for real.  Cancer sucks and is very scary - not just for the person with cancer, but also their family.  It's not always (okay is truly rarely) as it's portrayed on TV.  You're allowed to break down too.  I know you mentioned work and their knowledge of your family situation.  Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) with counseling services available?  I know I gave up my job and moved across the state to live with my mom after her diagnosis, and while not in EAP counseling, talking with people around me and those at the doctor's office (aka: nurses and other cancer patients) really helped me to be able to understand what was happening with my mom, and helped me to prepare myself for the journey.  It also helped to be able to "bounce" my fears off those who had dealt with them, or similar ones, before.  Also, please do not feel guilty or negatively about taking time off work for your mom or for yourself.  Sometimes you need a little downtime to figure out where to go next, or what to do.  Sometimes, you may just want a day with your Mom.  Take it, but also take time for yourself.  Your mom would want you to continue to maintain your social support system, which trust me, you will need in the upcoming times.

I guess all in all, what I'm saying too is:  Don't count the days, make the days count.  In the end, they'll be what you remember, not the number of them, but what filled them.

Please feel free to message me at any time hun.  Best of luck, and health, and a great medical team to your mom, you, and your whole family hun. *Hugs*

PaulAndSandy

What you are feeling is completely normal. My mother was diagnosed back in 2001 with Stage IIIA breast cancer, again in 2010 with Stage II, and most recently, it spread to her bones, liver, and around the lung back in June of last year. 8 months later and she's still here with us fighting this disease but she's slipping away and it's terrible to watch this happen but I have to stay strong for my mother, just as you'll need to stay strong for yours. I wish your mother the best of luck with her battle and hope you guys both stay strong and as possitive as you can be.

Message me anytime if you have any questions. I've been doing this for 12 years, my mother was 50 years old when she was first diagnosed and I was 19 years old. Now she's 62 and I'm 31.

kimberlybimberly

Thank you so much for your replies. Having a tough time getting to sleep tonight..it's almost 3 am. Reading your messages has helped and I want you all to know how much it means to me that you took the time to write. I will most certainly be sticking around this place, such awesome and loving support.

Kimberly

mandapanda

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I felt guilty all the time when my mom was ill and I was out enjoying myself. She passed away in August at the age of 54 and I still feel guilty if I smile or laugh. You sound like a great daughter and I know how hard it is to think this must be a nightmare. I wish it was. My mom use to say cancer is harder on the loved ones then the patient. I'm not sure about that because cancer patients go through so much physically and emotionally. My mom was my best friend and I know she never wanted me to feel guilty about enjoying myself and I know your mom feels the same way.

strawberrycake

My mum was diagnosed at Christmas, they found 2 lumps and she was precribed Letrozole and since then her breast as shrank a lot, it is so much smaller than the unaffected one. Can anyone tell me if this is normal? Mum is 82 and not in the best health with a few other medical problems and she also got phlegm and a cough and sleeps all day. I know she is elderly, but I am so worried and would like to know if anyone else is experiencing this. Anna x.