Balancing it all?!

gardenia88

Hi there. My mother was recently diagnosed and will be starting chemo in two days. While her cancer is only Stage 2, she has several other health problems that will make getting through treatments much more difficult for her. Also because of her health problems, she cannot drive herself to appointments, which are about 30 minutes from where she lives. 

I am an only child (I'm in my mid-twenties, so obviously not a CHILD, but you get what I mean), and my father has an extremely busy job. He will be helping as much as he can and is extremely dedicated and devoted to seeing her through this, but he also needs to make sure to be putting in his time at work and doing a good job because he is the sole financial provider for the two of them. I am married, so I am not the only one who is providing financial support for myself. I have a hectic job as a classroom teacher and am already feeling as though I'm on overload and as though it is affecting my performance in the classroom. I had to miss two days of school this past week to go with her to her preliminary meeting with the surgeon and to meet with her radiation doctors, and I already had parents who contacted me about missing instructional time, despite the fact that they know what is going on. While some were suportive, I feel incredibly overwhelmed because I just feel like I can't be 100% for everyone, especially with a career that requires me to take so much work home even when I'm able to dedicate myself to it fully.

Everyone keeps telling me I need to make sure to take care of myself while making sure to do my best at work as I embark upon this journey with my mother, but I feel as though that's not even possible. It's even as though taking the five minutes to type out this post is too much of a time-waster with all I need to take care of! Quite frankly, my mother is much more important to me than any job I could ever have, and I do not intend on returning to teaching at this school next year anyways for reasons completely unrelated to my mother's illness.

I am wondering if anyone out there has quit a job to care for a loved one going through this? I don't want to look back on this time and regret having put everything before my mom just for a paycheck. Some advice from caretakers on balancing it all would be very welcome, especially those of you with jobs that have consumed your lives!!

SpecialK

Can you possibly take FMLA leave to help your mother?  Another possibility is to use any and all services at your disposal - American Cancer Society volunteers, www.cleaningforareason.org, some help available through Komen:  http://ww5.komen.org/treatment-assistance.html, any other community service organizations that can provide rides or assistance - religious based organizations or Girl Scouts, or something available through your community/city/county, etc.  You are correct that you cannot be 100% in all facets of your life - you have to decide where you need to focus your time and attention, and then employ resources available to you as best you can.  As an example, you may be better served by arranging transportation for treatment for your mom, so that you can be in your classroom, but then be available after your mom is home and may need you there with her.  All of this is a balance - both of my parents had illnesses that required care, and the coordination of 24-hour care, while I was the parent of young children, while my husband was active-duty military and we lived on the other side of the country!  I understand how hard this is - give some thought in advance and formulate a plan - best of luck to you.

gardenia88

I've looked into the specifics and I don't qualify. It really stinks because I had worked for one school district for a few years, and I moved districts this year; I would have qualified with my former employer. Therefore that means that I have not been employed with them for at least 12 months.

I guess I just want to be there every step of the way, as well. It's frustrating because I want to be the one caring for her and being there for her instead of strangers. But thanks for the info.. it may come to looking into those things.

SpecialK

I am sure my children (also both in their 20's) would have liked to be with me every step of the way but they had competing priorities in their lives too - they both had jobs and school, and my son lives in another state.  They both did the best they could, and I knew that.  Does your mom have any friends or neighbors who might be able to help out?  Sorry to hear that you can't take advantage of  FMLA, that is unfortunate.  I was lucky that the company I worked for was very cooperative during my own diagnosis - FMLA, short term disability and long term were available to me and it made a world of difference.  With a short time left in the school year can you take a leave and get a long-term sub?

gardenia88

That's part of what is really hard. All of our family and close friends are in a different state, which is part of the reason I feel like so much responsibility falls on me.

I work in a state in which there are no teachers' unions and things aren't very helpful for people in this profession (partially the reason I'm seriously contemplating leaving the profession at the end of the year). As far as I can tell, disability leave is for oneself only, at least where I am employed. 

I so appreciate you trying to help me find ways to make it work, though!! Keep 'em coming if you have any other advice!!

SpecialK

Here are some additional resources, in case maybe you leave your job before the school year ends:

http://www.cancer.net/publications-and-resources/support-and-resource-links/general-cancer-organizations-and-resources/financial-resources

gardenia88

Thank you so much; I appreciate your guidance from someone who has been through all of this before.

mandapanda

It's hard but you find time to do it. My mom passed in August and was only 54. I'm 30 with a 3 yr old and at the time my other child was 1 1/2 months old when my mom got really sick. I also have a husband. My dad was an over the road truck driver. I took care of my mom and my family. I wouldn't have had it any other way. She would have done the same for me. My mom battled cancer for 7 years but didn't get very sick till her last month when we learned the cancer spread to her liver. You will never regret doing everything you can for your mom. I'm know I helped her as much as I could have. I will never live with the regret of not doing enough. Sometimes, I would just go lay in her bed and feed my baby, that way I was close by and still be able to take care of my baby. So, it will be rough but you can do it.

gardenia88

Oh, I have never one thought it isn't worth it! Just trying to get some advice on how to make it work. Had a terrible day at work today feeling unprepared, depressed, and overwhelmed... don't really know how long I can play this balancing act.

mandapanda

I never said anything about it not bein worth it. I said, you can do it and you will never regret doing everything you can.

manysunshine

Some things have to go.  I suspended my school, halted everything in my life, move across the globe, to be with my mom.  It's very hard.  Sometimes I feel angry at the situation that I have to give up so much.  But I know it's my heart; I wouldn't do it any other way. 

gardenia88

Sorry, mandapanda. I guess I read through so many different posts that night they all blended together and I thought you said something along those lines... didn't mean to offend. So sorry to hear about your mom, although it seems she was so blessed to have you.

manysunshine, I thought I could maybe make it work, but now that she is going through chemo, I see how sick she is and how much she needs me near. I think I will need to go in and talk to my boss tomorrow about a possible resignation. She is what matters most to me.

ruthbru

How does your mom feel about this? I absolutely did NOT want anyone in my family to uproot their lives and come and watch me be sick. Better get her input before you do anything drastic.

profbee

You are so kind.  I was on the patient side...stage 2 like your mom.  I just wanted to say that at the beginning there are all sorts of tests and appts.  Man, we were at the hospital daily it seemed!  And then you have a treatment plan in place.  There are lots of organizations that will drive people to chemo.  And/or it's a way to get neighbors and friends to help.  Often, the infusion isn't really the tough part...it hits you the next day, so she might be just FINE to go with someone and then you come by after school the next day...or set up the infusions on Fridays so you can be with her over the weekend.  Anyway, I just want you to know that it may not always be SO busy.  It's a haul, don't get me wrong, and it's tiring for all involved, but I really do think it will be easier once you are in the routine of it.

Best of luck!

try2bestrong

I'm also a teacher and am kind of new to this whole cancer thing; my mom has only been diagnosed for a few weeks and is also stage 2. I started a thread about struggling with teaching and caring for her a few weeks ago and was also contemplating quitting when I first found out about her diagnosis. My mom is admant that I NOT quit, even though I would at the drop of a hat for her if she needed me to do so. She told me that she would be depressed if she thought I would have to give up my life for her, and realistically, she is only stage 2 and does not need round-the-clock care. You have to remember that calm and normalcy is what she needs more than anything. My dad hovered over my mom all weekend while she was feeling sick, and it drove her so crazy that she was very ready for him to go back to work today! Just picking up her groceries or visting for 30 minutes is meaning the world to my mom thus far. Again, I know I'm not an expert, but I completely empathize with what you are going through and know what it's like to want the world to stand still... but your mom needs your strength and needs to know that you can keep on thriving even while she is sick.