Well..I went to the Oncologist....

Pure

So I went to see my doctor. She felt the lump in my right breast and said she would have it checked but since I told her it was getting smaller she wasn't concerned. ( I had a masectomy 15 months ago and it was clean) I have since had implant with fat grafting. So no further testing just watch it.. I guess I am ok with that.. I assume she knows what she is talking about. I guess bc doesnt get smaller.

I spoke to her about my 3 weeks of breathing issues and she said I have severe anxiexy. The counsler at duke said he felt I had severe PTSD.

I wont lie..I am struggling... Everytime I take a DEEP breathe I get scared that I have lung mets. Everytime I feel the lump I think she was lying or wrong. I can't stop my thoughts-ever.  Yesterday to prove to myself I didn't have lung mets I took a spin class and then jumped in the pool and swam a half mile. I felt great... And for about 30 minutes I was like "Yea I am good" Then 30 minutes later I was convinced I had lung mets again.

I am sad...Not happy like I was before. Anytime I would normally have an A appointment I would be trilled and filled with hope....Not this time..This time I am still sad and convinced she lied to me or got this wrong.

I am a mother of 4 and run a company and I have become a complete mess. THIS is harder then cancer. Sometime I wish my car would crash and I wouldn't have to deal with either. SO selfish I know but the pain is so hard-the emotional pain... The fear.... The what ifs'.

Yes, I got perscribed an anti depressant/anti anxiety med but NO I haven't taken it yet. I keep thinking I am going to wake up and this feeling will lift. I get up and analyze each breathe I take, I feel the lump, I cry, I wonder, and sometimes I shake. It's really bad when I first wake up.Almost like a chemical drop in my system b-c HOW can I wake up from a complete dea sleep and first thing I do is shake and have fear. By 4 or 5 each day it just lifts and is gone and I am free. Then I go to bed and it starts all over.

This my friends is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with..... I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

PS. My blood work was good as was my examine so I am now 3 years and 7 months but whose counting.

RoulaG

So I am not the only one who thinks lung mets every time I take a deep breath and feel a twinge. It isn't often, but once in a while. I think it is PTSD, how can it not be? Our life was/is in danger, what is not stressful about that?!!

Racy

Hi Pure, I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I understand the sadness.



Have you had psychological counselling? I strongly recommend it. I think you need a professional outlet whom you can talk to about your fears and feelings. A psych can also give you techniques, based on clinical research and practice, to help you manage psychologically.



If you do have PTSD or depression, you really should see a professional.



Also, try an antidepressant and see if it helps. You don't have to take it forever if you don't want to.



And you can talk with your primary doctor about your concerns with the lump and breathing, for another opinion.



Hoping you feel better soon.

Lexie_Ann

Pure I am so sorry that you are feeling this way but it is normal to look what you have been through. Take the antidepressant. It will help also you need to talk to someone that will help too and it would get easier. Just one day at a time.

PS I go to Duke too.

lovujja

Hi Pure,

I am very sorry what you have to go through. I was going through same situation last year around this time. With two little one at home and horrified husband i had very little choice. I felt i was turturing them. One day i just look at the mirror and told myself either you be srong or just give up. I join Yoga and meditation which has been great help to lift my mood.

One of my coworker's husband supposed to die 30 yrs ago if he had listen to his Dr, he had a lung cancer 3rd stage. He said he chose plan B, yoga, meditation, natural and western treatment, he is still alive and very active. He taught me one thing that i have to let myself up that no medication can do. Inner strength is some thing very important to all human being. I am try to look at the mirror when i have time and tell myself, "i am strong, healthy and lucky and i am winning this BC battle." You know it helps.

I think that you have to find positive enery in you. you have to find the appropriate way that you can circulate positive energy and lift up yourself.

My mom used to tell me look up and down: when you are in difficult situation you have to look to others who are unfortunate that keeps you keep moving in life. When you are in better position you have to look up and see how far you can go. Incompare to me, you are in better positin you already lived 3+ years after BC diagnosis. Yes it is very challenging to Live as a BC survivar but people have done amazing job. I met a woman who was diagnosed BC in her mid 20s and now she is 84 yrs. Her Dr suggested her not to have kids. But she and her husband made decision to have kids, she has 3 kids and one of them is one of the top BC Dr in the USA.

My suggestion to you is to be calm and think what you can do to yourself. Think about what good things happen in past month or years.  I was horrified that i don't have a long life, I though i couldn't see my kids graduated from school, yara yara..One good thing happened to me was i could stay home with my kids throughout my treatment, that was awesome!

Last week I got a call from my huspital and caller informed me that my Onco died on Car accident so they have to change my schedule. I was shocked! This incident taught me great lesson.  We all go through difficult times. We just have to pick up ourself and keep walking. It is not about how many days we live, it is about how many good things we did. Nobody knows how many days each of us have in this earth but we know if we hold our kids and read a stroy they will love it, and we can do it everyday.

Hope you feel better. My advise to you is find your inner strength and shut down negative thoughts, which is difficult.

Take care.

Kicks

Please PLEASE! see someone who has experience in dealing with PTSD!  PTSD is very real and can be triggered by any traumatic experience - not just something to do with 'war'.  The longer untreated the harder it is to treat and there are more than just one TX plan.

Unfortunately, there are many who have no training in dealing with PTSD and can do more harm than good.  I have several sites with good info so if you'd like them I'll look then up when I get home for you.

You might also want to have your Vit D level checked.  It can 'mess with you' when low which is not uncommon during winter.

SpunkyGirl

Girlfriend, take that med! And if it's not the right one (there are many choices for anxiety), then work with your doctor until you do find the right one. Let me tell you a story about how good the right medicine can be. My twelve year old has struggled in the last couple of years with uncontrolled behavior and anger outbursts, no small wonder since he lost his dad to cancer and his mom had it, too. We started with counseling, and I saw many times where he was trying really hard to control himself but couldn't. I finally found the right therapist and Psychiatrist, and we are now on our third med. The first one agitated him, the second one made him an eating zombie, and the third one has been wonderful! He is now himself but better. I was amazed at my friends who were/are negative about putting their kids on meds, but the alternative for us meant that he was just not able to cope socially. Ther's nothing wrong with getting help when you need it, and it won't be forever, just at least for now. Give it a try!

Love

Bobbie

geewhiz

Oh girl, this made me cry to hear how shaken you are. We all have our times, but this sounds like something to be dealt with by a professional for sure if that med doesnt work.



I second the yoga and visualization recommendation. It has changed my life. I have learned to "see" my emotions...acknowledge them, but not be controlled by them if that makes sense? It's ok to be scared, sad, mad...emotions make us human. But if it starts to control you, then its time to get some help.



Its hard. I have so many relationships that have changed or simply fallen away. It becomes so hard to relate to others sometimes, my life and concerns seem so different. I hear you with the kids...my biggest terror is my kids growing up without a mom.

hopefour

Pure..thank you for letting us be there for you...your honesty will be healing for someone else who feels alone with these same emotions. Congrats to you on three years and seven months..YEAH!!!

My daughter had a serious trauma in her life and was diagnosed with PTSD. I am not a counselor but, will share that counselors encouraged her to know her triggers ( things, words, emotions that would cause anxiety). Change is a trigger for her...when she feels something is out of her control it triggers the anxiety, because when things were out of her control it caused her pain and fear. Do you think your mom's BC and your having new symptoms was a trigger for you? These issues were a change and may have brought back the fears and pain of your DX ( which was out of your control) and the sense of things being out of your control again leading to the anxiety you now have!

You know what a rational and irrational thought is as you comment that you know the doctors say you have PTSD and are going well..YEAH!! But, the irrational thoughts are saying don't trust them and have lung mets. Pure, when the irrational thoughts speak silence them with the rational thoughts..I AM WELL for your doc said you are!! 

Please, take the meds they gave you, seek a wonderful safe counselor to help you through this and know we ALL are here for you! You are not alone and you WILL come out the other side of this and enjoy life as you were with your precious kids and hubbby!! If God seems a million miles away thats OK, but know He is right there with you!

sheila888

Pure....I sent you a PM

jennyboog

TAKE THE MEDS!!!  Sweetie, don't suffer when you don't have to.  I was struggling hard after tx was over, panic attacks, depression, anger, you name it I had it.  I got on something, I went to the dr and asked because I knew I needed something and it did help.  I am now off of it (1 month), I got through my hump and don't need it now.  If I need it later on then will take it again if I need it, I believe BC comes in like waves or I've noticed it does for me...you have to get through those waves.  Thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon. 

rozem

Pure - please please please take jennboogs advice  and TAKE THE MEDS - you are obviously hurting and it does sound like you have PTSD just like your doctors are saying.  When you are having panic attacks the feeling like you cant breathe or the feeling of having a heart attack ARE VERY VERY REAL - It sounds like you get a lot of excercise and thats great for your over-all well being but sometimes we just need a little push to get us through the dark patches.  I have been on meds and if i need them again I will go back on - this BC crap is enough to drive even the strongest of us over the edge Sending you big hugs

many

Plz reread your own post which is so encouraging ----Just today I had my 6 month check up at Duke...My doctor and I talked about stage 4 and I wanted to know what was new in that area. She said the median life span now of stage 4 is SEVEN years...It use to be 3!!!! Then went I went upstairs to get my zometa I asked the girls if it was hard loosing patients to stage 4 disease all the time. The nurse said actually that doesn't happen a lot that they have a ton of stage 4 girls 7, 8, 10, even 12 years out. You keep going...You keep yourself healthy. Set goals of 5 years-then 10 and so on. We are on the verge of a LOT of new tx coming out. You stay alive until then! That's it... Keep fighting... We all need to keep fighting.....Time to pull out the gloves... Saying you wont see your daughter graduate-NOT TRUE...And doesn't matter 2 liver mets or 8 tx is tx and either works or doesnt and it's going to work!!!!We are ALL behind

Outfield

Pure - we all do it to some extent, we obsess about each symptom, but don't let the reaction to the disease keep being its own problem in itself.  I've gotten a lot of help from seeing a therapist who has some experience with PTSD.  I do minimal meds now, but it used to be more.  Whatever it takes, our kids need us.  

My cancer center was so unhelpful - had no list of therapists used to working with people who've had cancer - but a lot of therapists have experience with PTSD.  And ours is a different - not only did we have a life-threatening event, but it still hangs there over our shoulders.  

DCMom

Pure,

I am just seeing this and am in tears knowing exactly where you are at.  The nmber of times I have been driving and had the thought that to go in a car accident would be so much easier.  Thank God for my kids to keep me from doing anything stupid.  I certainly could never leave them thinking that it had been my choice, but a car accident...  It's terrible where our thoughts go and on days like that I certainly agree that it feels like it is far worse than anything cancer could throw at us.  

Now listen...I have had the EXACT same thoughts you are having.  I (and it sounds like a lot of these other ladies) get it.  It does get better and once you get this breathing thing under control you will begin to be able to control the emotions more and more.  PTSD is real for us all and I so wish I could give you the exact way to conquer it.  If I could maybe I wouldn't still have my own crazy days.

Wish I lived nearby and we could sit down and discuss our crazies over coffee.  We could laugh at the absurdity of some of the things that send us over the top, and the lauughter would keep our minds off breathing.  I am so much more able to calm myself now because once you get it under control for a short while (like your swimming) you can convince yourself for longer periods everything is ok.

Big Hugs and Good Thoughts!

Bugs

Hugs, honey!!  Get on the meds, find a counselor when you get home.  Yes, this is worse than the actual treatment and you need help to get through it.  You've been an awesome spokeswoman for bc, when you get through this you will be an awesome spokesperson for PTSD.  

Pure

Thank you ALL so SO MUCH! I am going to start the meds tomorrow. I would have started yesterday but I have to fly from NC to Hawaii tomorrow and I was scared of the side affects. The doc mentioned the first 3 days while my body adjusted could be hard. I took two xanax but as soon as my heart gets raised I start to panic and analyze my breathing. Its been three weeks of helll. I PRAY the drugs work...Thank you all so much for hanging in there with me:) I must sound like such a loon..I fly like a crying baby...lol I swear I am normal! But this  "thing" has it's grip on me.. Blessings to all of you! 
 

karen1956

Jen....as the others said, take the meds....and find a good counselor back in HI...But I'm confused as I thought the other day you posted all was good!!!!   Be gentle on yourself...take the meds, find anti-anxiety strategies such as deep breathing and its ne day at a time...keep living big like you've been doing!!!

Pure

Tks Karen...Cancer wise I am doing good..Emotionally I am in a whole other place:) Each day is a struggle.... I started meds yesterday so we shall see:) Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate it!

Lexie_Ann

Pure remember that the meds will need time to work and may need to be adjusted. You must get a counselor in HI so you can talk to someone. It will help and there will be days that are a struggle but the good days will soon out weigh the bad. xoxo 

pupfoster1

((((Jen)))),

I'm glad to hear you started the meds.  Give the antidepressant a while to kick in and use the anti anxiety stuff when you start freaking out.  I TOTALLY get where you are.  I had myself freaked out too and finally went to see my onc and got the all clear.  And STOP feeling the spot where the lump is!!!!!! At least not so much.  I pressed under my armpit so much recently I think that actually made it worse! 

It's terrible to feel this way but you will pull through it.  Is there an in person support group for BC, or any cancer for that matter at a local hospital near you?  Sometimes just letting it all go makes me feel better.  My first visit to my new psychiatrist I ended up in tears by the end.  But you know what?  I felt better after.  You can't just keep it all bottled up.  You DO have PTSD.  I've tried to explain that to my husband when I start going to that dark place.  (On that note, how is your husband with the way you've been feeling?) They just don't get it.  Sometimes I feel like screaming at him " well next time you get dx with cancer, have your body sliced and diced, have poison and radiation put into you, have more surgery and end up looking like the Bride of Frankenstein, maybe THEN you'll get it!!!!"  Wow, that felt good to get out !  See, WE get it.  You need to find some others that do too.  Wish I could be there to commiserate with you, but you know I am here for you anytime.  You know how to get me. 

LOVE YOU!!!!

Sharon

Nancinurse

I am so glad I found this link.  I am in a bad place right now and have the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and wanting to drive into a tree head on.  Some of it comes from the battle and subsequent survival (thus far) with cancer but I also lost my husband a little over 3 months ago.  He had been chronically ill and I devoted much time and emotion into caring for him during his last few months.  I have always been very strong and able to take whatever life throws at me but right now I don't want to deal with anything anymore.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and I don't want to do anything during the day when I am up.  Especially today, Valentines Day, it all seems worse.  My daughter complained about a freckle on her face last night as if it was a major problem so I pulled up my pajamas to show her the scars from my BMX and reconstruction, all the drains that left their reminders as well.  This is what I get to live with and you're complaining about a freckle?????  I'm supposed to be happy that I'm 2 years out since my diagnosis and whoopee - life should be great!  I finally gave in and called a therapist today to make an appointment as I know this is what I need to do.  Then I started searching this website and happened upon this thread.  Thanks for making me feel that I am not crazy for feeling the way I do.  Getting through the diagnosis and treatment now seems to have been the easy part.  Trying to live with the threat of recurrence is indeed more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. 

Obxflygirl1

OH MY GOSH!! I just found this thread ... Diagnosed in August, Surgery in September.,healing for only child's wedding in November and then holidays.....who had time to deal with BC?? Jan. 1st hit rock bottom and cried at the drop of a hat for no reason except fear, fear, and more fear. Finally called nurse navigator in Chapel Hill and she immediately set me up with therapy. Counselor validated every single feeling we are having. I've never been to counseling but it was such a relief to not be strong for once.



She said we are so busy taking care of our families and being women warriors that we neglect the most important person in our lives....ourselves. Prescribed a very light dose anti anxiety to get me over the hump. I felt so much better leaving the office. I'm not crazy!



Pure........please take everyone's advice for the meds. It's not a life sentence but a coping tool. You deserve to have some light in your life...Happy Valentine's day everyone.

Lily55

What are the meds please as I was diagnosed with PTSD and cannot find a therapist ......I need one I know ..