Mom just diagnosed... job advice would be great!

try2bestrong

My mom was just diagnosed with IDC, and I am really unsure about how to handle it. She also has several other health problems that are going to make her fight all the more difficult. I AM going to be strong for her throughout all of this and do all I can, but I am very concerned about balancing it with my job.

I am a 23-year old public school teacher and leave for school at 6 am and rarely get home before 5 pm. Of course after getting home I have grading, planning, etc. I'm not complaining at all, but I am just wondering if anyone has ever been there who had a job that already stretched them thin and someone very close to them battling cancer. One woman I work with said she had to leave work to care for her mother who had cancer because she just couldn't balance both and couldn't live with herself not being there for her mom. I teach at a huge school where personal relationships with administration and other teachers are nonexistent, so it's not like I have a very understanding support system there.

My mom is my best friend and my #1 priority. Obviously I can't really "half-ass" it when I spend my time with kids all day who have a right to have a teacher who is physically and mentally present. I was out of work for several days before the Christmas holiday because I myself was hospitalized, so I have few personal days to spare to dedicate to my mom.

Part of me feels like I should resign from my position to be there for her because I know we have a tough fight in front of us, but I don't want her feeling as though she has affected my life in a negative way because the whole point is for me to be there to take her to appointments, be there for her when she's sick, clean for her, be her rock, etc. I am married and my husband works, so we could get by, but obviously it would be tough. I just feel like there isn't going to be enough of me to go around and I want to be prepared to get her through this. 

For those who have gone through similar situations, what are your suggestions? I ultimately just want to do right by her.

politicomama

My mom was diagnosed when I was 23 as well.  I was pregnant with our first and teaching.  I would wait to hear what type of surgery she will need and what the treatment plan is.  My mom was able to do all of her own care in the beginning (she ended up with mets and passed away 6 years ago)  I think much of it may weigh on her other health issues. 

Now I have IDC at 33, and I still teach full time, but I am teaching with a large virtual school so I do work from home.  It's still a full time job.  The only time I have taken off was for my mastectomy and for a couple of long treatment days.  Can you apply for FMLA?

try2bestrong

Thanks for your honest and open reply. I wouldn't be so concerned with a job that doesn't require so much work at home. My husband has been reiterating that idea that I don't have to be "Ms. Teacher of the Year," as he puts it, while I'm going through this, that my worst is actually some people's average, day-to-day style of teaching. I take a lot of pride in my work, so I guess I just feel like unless I'm doing a good job, I shouldn't be doing it at all. I'm sure you get where I'm coming from being an educator yourself. And I teach very low-level high schoolers, so they're great with differentiated instruction, but they are terrible with self-sufficient tasks. I taught Honors last year and would have been comfortable just leaving them with tasks to complete, but these kids are another story. I appreciate what you said about kids' resilience, though... I guess they can learn along with me about becoming resilient. It gives me a lot of hope that you could go through cancer yourself and still teach, while I am just being the support and not going through it myself. I guess the kids will be pretty excited they won't be having any homework while I go through this with Mom, right?  

I'm honestly just kind of in shock still, and while I seem strong on the outside, I'm freaking out. It has spread to her lymph nodes, which makes me really nervous even though we don't know the entire gravity of the issue until next week. 

Thanks again for the support. It means a lot.

try2bestrong

Waiting to see how serious it is and what's going to happen is a good idea... I guess I'm kind of jumping the gun before knowing exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to let my ignorant youth shine through... I know what the FMLA is but don't really know all it entails... I guess I'll have to do my homework on that one. 

Thanks. 

politicomama

I believe you have to use up your personal days and sick leave before FMLA goes into effect, but it covers twelve weeks unpaid and they can not fire you.  I believe there is a place to mark that it could be intermittent, so you can take unpaid days here and there. 

I get it about your kids.  I work with at risk and truant kids and they need me and the structure we provide them!

It the beginning it is shock.  Once she has a plan into action  the shock starts to lesson and it just becomes your new norm.   It is great that you want to be there for your mom.  Some of my greatest memories as an adult are with my mom, much of it during treatment, taking care of her after surgery, or the time it gave us together. 

Keep an open mind too about treatment.  Everyone responds different.  I had a friend who had to quit chemo because it made her so sick, while although it hasn't been a barrel of fun it has been a manageable experience for me. 

Anonymous

Just another perspective, but something to consider:

When I was diagnosed this summer my son was in Army infantry basic training. He wanted to quit and come home to "take care of me." Bless his heart!!! For my healing that would have been the worst thing he could have done!! I needed him to complete his goal. I needed to look forward to his graduation. And we worked it out so I could be there, though I was very tired.



I don't know your mom and I don't know your situation as far as how much other help she has available, but for ME it would have been very depressing to have my child interrupt his goal unnecessarily.



Wait to see what her needs will be. My mom was diagnosed for the first time 25 years ago, had a mastectomy and 6 weeks later was putting up her bulletin boards and preparing for another year of teaching. Take one day at a time. Your mother is blessed to have a daughter so loving and concerned!! If she ends up needing your full care, you'll know it and you'll do a great job. But my guess is that you'll manage to juggle family and teaching as we all learn to do. It's hard to be torn between your classroom kids and your own family, but you can find a good balance.

try2bestrong

Politicomama, Thanks for the information about FMLA. I'm really thankful that it is the second semester, so I just have to make it until the beginning of June when school lets out and then I have the whole summer free.

Dulcigirl, That's honestly what I needed to hear, I think. My mom already feels so guilty about "putting me through" so many things that have been completely beyond her control during my younger years; she has been the best mother I ever could have been blessed to have, but I know she doesn't always see herself in this light. While I feel like it's totally irrational for her to feel that way, I could see her prospectively feeling like she was "letting me down" if I were to resign.  Thanks for the advice. I'm glad to hear your son followed through with his goals and that it helped you in the process; it's an interesting perspective I hadn't considered too much before. I will wait and see what her needs will be.