I think my sister is staging an intervention on me TOMORROW!

bigshirley

I am having my double mastectomy in two days (Feb. 1st).  My sister has been trying to convince me not to have it done, because SHE thinks that I should opt for radiation and an attempt at lumpectomy.  And her roommate is a nurse, who I think has helped to convince her that DCIS isn't really cancer...and that my decision to have such an extreme treatment is unnecessary.  But, I don't want to have radiation therapy.  And my DCIS is in more than one place.  I'm only 43 (barely), and I just want to get all of my breast tissue on both sides removed, so that there will be a minimal chance of me having to deal with this again in the future.  My cancer is stage zero, so we caught it at the earliest stages.  Anyway...my sister says she is coming to my house tomorrow to "talk" to me before I go in for the surgery on Friday.  I don't need this added stress.  I'm already scared.  And my anxiety is over the roof as it is.  I just want her to back off and try to be supportive...or just back off all together.

cinnamonsmiles

Your sister is being rude and thoughtless. I know how scarey and anxiety ridden the days are right before the double mastectomy. If I were in that situation, I would tell my sister that is welcome to call (I could always hang up on her), but that I had things to get ready before my surgery. I was 42 when I found my cancer in 2010.

You DO NOT have to put up with that NOR do you need to be arguing with someone the day before your surgery. You need supportive people to help you, not terrorize you.

Many people don't realize that mastectomies are often recommended for people who have cancer in multiple places.

As an added note....just because a person gets a mastectomy, there is no guarantee that rads won't be needed. That will depend on the size of the clean margins after the pathology report comes back.

I certainly wish you the strength to stand up to your sister and not let her invade your house and get you all worked up before you surgery. I guess I would get right to the main points I would want to tell her, and if she can't be supportive don' let her invade your space. As far as the nurse roommate, unless she has an M.D. behind her name and is on your medical team, she has no business butting in. Let her and your sister know that.

Be strong, calm, and to the point, let her know you mean business. If she wants to keep arguing, DON'T keep dragging it out.

What a crappy thing to do right before a surgery.

I had multi-focal DCIS and pre-cancer (ADH) opted for a BMX,too. I am happy with my decision.

1Athena1

Avoid your sister and concentrate on yourself. She is being selfish and pushy. I am sorry that you are coping with this extra pressure. After your surgery, you could be diplomatic and try to make amends, if need be, but for now, tell her to stay away, or go out yourself so that you won't be home.

Siblings can be such domineering busybodies....

RoulaG

Tell your sister that if she is ever in your shoes (G-d forbid) she can make the decision she wants for herself. This is your life, your body and your sanity.



I had both a lumpectomy twice (second to get clear margins), and then had a BMX to avoid rads. I would not change anything, in fact, I was so relieved when I woke up after the BMX I was smiling. Cause the trouble makers were gone.

NevadaPaula

I had a lumpectomy. I would never push what I did on another. It is too personal a decision.  You made a decision with your medical team (the experts), and that is how you want to procede. Don't let her second guess you. How does the fact that the roommate is a nurse, make her an expert? (unless she is an oncology nurse). You know what is best for you. Stand your ground.  I agree that a phone call is the best way to handle such a meddling sister. You need your rest for the surgery, and recovery.

When you get the pathology back, the doctors will go over it with you. Then you will have an input on what treatments are available for you.  At that point if you wish, you  could call her into the room, so she can hear it from the doctor. 

My sister, who is a year older, was very supportive of me. Do you have other family nearby who you can get support from? My brother, when I told him of my cancer, was totally  unphased & unmoved. He could care less. Our mother died from BC 21 years ago. 

Its your body, your decision, don't let anyone try to bully it from you.

CarolynVM

When I anticipate a difficult situation I sit down with a notebook and start writing out everything I fear will happen and how I can react to it.  I practice what to stay, usually starting with swearing and screaming but eventually get to something I can say that's reasonable and respectful to myself that I can live with.  It often takes many pages before I feel confident I can deal with it.

Lily55

Sometimes a little white lie is called for and this might be just one time - tell your sister you have to go somewhere unexpectedly so cannot meet with her but you can talk on the phone and that you hope she will simply want to wish you well and support you in YOUR decision over your life and your cancer....or DCIS as that is all youa re cpaable of hearing as you have taken days and long hours and nights considering your options and are happy with YOUR decision.....good luck, you only need to listen to your self in this situation

thefuzzylemon

If you are comfortable with your decision, that's what matters...you don't want ANY regrets later.



So, tell that sibling of yours to stuff it. She will never understand what you are going through and why you feel the way you do...her blinders are on and she's not even listening to you....

bigshirley

Thanks guys.  I told my eldest daughter what I thought was being sprung on me, so she is going to come spend the night here so that she can be a buffer if need be tomorrow when my overly opinionated sister shows up.

Blessings2011

Aw, bigshirley - so sorry for the family drama - especially now.

I agree with what the others have said, and if you are in a generous, compassionate mood, you can tell your sister that you appreciate her taking the time to research your condition and think about your options, but the truth is, you have already done that and have made your decision.

And if she keeps on dogging you with reasons why you should NOT have your BMX, you can simply repeat - word for word - the statement above. It's called the "Broken Record" response. Eventually the other person gets the message.

If you are NOT feeling particularly generous or compassionate, you can call her and ask her to state her agenda for tomorrow's meeting. If it's what you think it is, you can say thanks, but no thanks.

And if she shows up anyway, it's YOUR body, YOUR decision as to how you proceed, and it's YOUR house and YOUR decision on who you let in the door.

Let her keep ringing the doorbell. You simply don't have to answer it.

Wishing you the best..

Makratz

Go out before your sister gets there.  Leave her a note telling her this is an extremely difficult thing to do, and the decision has to be made by you!  You need to do what you want, not others.  Let her know that she is adding additional stress and anxiety on your shoulders and you just don't need it right now.  Let her kow you would love her help after your surgery, and have her come by and cook a meal or something.

I wish you all the luck in the world with both your sister and your surgery.

bigshirley

Ok gals...thanks for the advice and help.  I can't say enough about this website.  I have received SO much support here since I got diagnosed 2 months ago.  Now that the day is literally upon me...well, it's scary.  My son can't wait until I heal enough for him to write new smiley face nipples on me with his marker. 

mgdsmc

Bigshirley



I can give you this bit of professional advice. Not all nurses are equal and we aren't doctors. I'm a cardiac RN and can give you advise about your heart not professional opinion about BC. So unless your sisters room mate is a oncology nurse she should not be offering you any advice! Now if you really want to shut them down let her know that you are aware that nurses are legally liable for the information and if you follow her advise and develope a higher stage more aggressive cancer because of it you can and will file a case against her. She can lose her license behind this. Sometime nurses over step the bounds and it bothers me. It's your body and decision to make. Now I'm upset😡

mgdsmc

One more thing. If she continues to insist that stage zero isn't cancer just say you are technically correct its pre cancerous meaning if nothing is done about it will without a doubt turn into invasive cancer. Than say there is no way to look at the multiple dcis you have to know which ones will turn or when. So since you don't have cancer you making sure that you never do. Than say if you can tell me 100% in writing that I won't develope invasive cancer than we can talk!

LAstar

Great point about the nurse's liability. I'm so sorry that your sister has absolutely no idea what she is talking about! I had the same diagnosis of multi-focal DCIS at 42 and had to have MX after 2 unsuccessful lumpectomies. You have to listen to that little voice inside. It's such a personal decision. Having children is a big motivator to come at this with guns blazing! If you choose to see your sister, know where your limits are and don't let her put you in a tizzy. The day before surgery is stressful enough!



I wish you a smooth procedure and restful recovery. In some ways, recovery is easier than all of the awful decisions because there is such relief with having it over with and the cancer out!

fredntan

I had same problem with my sister. My family made me see three MO. One in NYC, one in baltimore and the one at home. They allsaid samethings. Seeing oncologists are not fun. My husband and sister wanted me to do my chemo in baltimore. It put extra stress onme. I fnally just had to get angry with her and she backed off



My breasts tried to kill me. I applaud you for just getting rid of the damn things. Nomore mammos for you!

cinnamonsmiles

Just checking in to see how you are doing! And that was execellent advice given by mgdsmc. Let us know how you are doing!