Critical family makes this even more challenging.

L421

Ok first I'm going to apologize because this is very long. Next week I have my forth and final dose of AC chemo. Several weeks from now I'll be able to resume reconstruction (I had an expander fail and ultimately removed in addition to several wound issues that cause us to halt recon and start chemo). Since my dx in May its been a constant roller coaster of emotions. I also had a hard time getting my family, mostly mom, to respect my boundaries. There were problems from the beginning, they were critical of my choice of hospital, doctor, even me wanting to have my eggs harvested...they thought i had delayed chemo enough "by the way use can always adopt".( My doc ended up telling me i really couldn't delay so we wound up not harvesting anyway).They were constantly urging me to join support groups or talk to so and so that had cancer, at one point even giving my number to a perfect stranger and having them call me to talk. It was almost like she had suddenly become good friends with so many cancer survivors that up until my dx I'd never heard mention of. Now ladies, I understand that this was all done out of concern but I was constantly having to ask them to please stop pushing me into things. I was already down about failed recon, then sick from chemo, the last thing I needed was a bunch of busy bodies hounding me to things that "they" thought would help. Now let me explain my diagnosis at 29 was a shock to everyone, not only because of my age, but also no family history of breast cancer or any cancer for that matter. So I guess you can say we were all blindsided. I still don't think that's an excuse to continuously nag someone because you think they are handling cancer the wrong way. I was constantly told "stay positive" which pissed me off to no end! Why do I have to be positive? Yes I'm blessed with many things in life but there is nothing to feel positive about a disease that has left me boobless, bald, not to mention its pretty much dashed any hopes of me and DH ever having children. Don't get me started on the "your lucky you get a free boob job" comments! So while yes I try to stay positive there are days that feel like I got raw deal. DH has been supportive, attending all appointments even when I told him it was not necessary. I had 4 surgeries over the course 3 months and he dealt with the nasty drainage tubes, changed dressing, and did household chores. He's been just as supportive through the ups and downs of chemo. He did however point out that I seemed depressed and encourage me to speak to dr. Since then I've been on Ativan and Wellbutrin and feel so much better. Unfortunately the problem still remain with the 2 busy bodies (rest of family respects me and my feelings). Through out this ordeal I have repeating.y begged my mom and her partner in crime to please cease and desist, I explained that their nagging only caused me to stress out and feel the need to push them away in order to protect my own well being. Alas they continued "why won't you join a group" "why won't you talk to this survivor". Tried to explain to them that I'm just not ready for that. Also (older ladies please take no offense to this) all of the support groups here seem to consist of older ladies. Yes I realize that I can relate to them as far as having breast cancer goes but I feel like there are some issues that are not relatable due to the age gap. Again please forgive me ladies but for me I feel as though I've been cheated out of what should be the best time of my life. My husband and I just bought our dream home in fact we closed one month after my dx. We were so excited to finally start a family, we had been waiting until things seemed right and finally they did the boom...I find a lump and the rest is history. Now after many arguments, I finally had to lay down the law and stop all contact with them. This breaks my heart but I had told them over and over that if they could not keep their opinions to theirselves that, for my own sanity and well being I'd have to stop talking to them. I really don't know where I'm going with this, perhaps someone has gone through a similar situation or maybe I just needed a rant. Thank you in advance for any insight or suggestions!

AC chemo 4 times every 3 weeks. Started Nov 12, 2012. Ending Jan 29, 2013

sandpiper1

L4, just wanna give you a hug.

I have found many say that their medical crisis was the impetis for either  a closer or a more strained relationship with family and friends.

I have found that it just magnifies the problems that were already there or the warmth and closeness that truly exists.

Too. I believe that when going through something like this our own tolerance for Bull$hit is very low.

I haven't reached out to my mother since the holidays.

That tolerance beam crashed to the ground.

I once had someone tell me I should be grateful I still had my mother alive and well.
I am sorry but I am not going to let others (society at large) dictate that I need or should do everything to maintain relationships with "blood" relatives.

I think the healthiest step we can take for ourselves is realise what relationships are solid and respectful and never feel guilty for creating a better space for us to heal and live.

XOXOXOXOXO

SelenaWolf

Oh dear.

It sounds like your mother and her partner-in-crime have swallowed the "Pink Ribbon" culture hook-, line- and sinker.  You know, the one that states there is a "right way" (stay positive and everything will be fine!) and a "wrong way" (don't be depressed/angry/anxious/afraid or it will make things worse!) to get through cancer and cancer treatment.  And that, if you are going about it "wrong", then talking to a counsellor or another breast cancer survivor will set you on the "right" track.

[And, then, they just might think - just because they are family - they can weigh in on everything that's going on in your life and have a say in your decisions.]

I wish I had some good advice, but I think you've already done what you need to do for now: you've distanced yourself from them and their opinions.  The last thing you need right now is to be more stressed out than you already are.  You need to shut out all the opinions, criticisms, judgments, and verbal clutter, so that you can 1) get your head around what is happening to you and; 2) try to find out what it is that YOU want- and need to do.  And, personally?  I found being angry and PISSED OFF to be a great motivator.  Not for me the "... there are blessings in cancer..." mindset.  I was MAD.  And being angry helped me keep going through those times when I just wanted to give up. 

Everybody needs to find their own way through this.  I've never felt that I could give anybody any advice about how to get through their own breast cancer challenges because everybody is going to do it differently.  What worked for me, will not work for the next person.  So, for what it's worth, I feel that you have already taken that first step in taking control of your challenge, by removing something from your environment that you just don't need right now; acknowledging your feelings of anger and resentment and realising that THEY ARE PERFECTLY VALID; and trying to sort out what you do need to do to get through this the best way that you can.

Good luck.

cathy1968

Hi L421 - sorry to hear what you are going thru!

I agree with what sandpiper and SelenaWolf have already said...just wanted to add that in regards to this site having mostly older ladies, you are right and you do have every right to feel cheated.  This disease sucks at any age but I do believe the younger set has additional "stuff on their plate" so to speak.

Have you tried the forum "Younger Women with Breast Cancer" on this site?  The great thing about these forums (as opposed to survivors' groups) is that they're always here for as much or as little as we wish to be involved.

Best of luck!

NatsFan

L421 - it does sound like your mom and her buddy are having boundary issues despite your clear statements about it.  You did what you had to do for your own well-being.  If you do re-connect with them, the instant they go back to their old habits, you can gently say, "As you know, conversations like that stress me out.  My oncologist has asked me to avoid stress, so I'm going to have to say goodbye now."  And hang up.  Hopefully your mom will learn that if she wants to have contact with you, she needs to respect you as a grown woman capable of making her own decisions.  Not all of us are support group types - I love it here on BCO, but would never go to an in-person group.  Your mom needs to respect that you're doing what's right for you.  I also agree with Selena that your mom and buddy seem to have swallowed the pink ribbon myths hook, line, and sinker. 

My guess is that your mom is panicked about you having cancer, and taking over and controlling like you were a little girl is her way of handling it.  Since she seems to be having more difficulty handling the situation than you, maybe she's the one who needs to join a support group for family members of cancer patients. 

If you haven't already, you may want to check out Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips.  It's a wonderful funny no-nonsense book written by a young woman who was dx with a rare aggressive cancer - and how she coped and learned what she needed to do to maintain her sanity and sense of humor.  I agree that a b/c dx is rougher on young women like yourself because most support groups, books, even here on BCO are dominated by people your mom's age.  Heck, I'm sure you were about the youngest one in your infusion center when you did chemo.  A friend who'd had colon cancer recommended the book to me when I was dx (we're both in our 50's), and I loved it.  I recommended it to another male friend in his 70's when he was dx with pancreatic cancer and even he got a kick out of it.  I've since recommended it to two young people in their 20's who are battling lymphoma - the male thought it was OK, but the young woman loved it.  She told me later it was so GOOD to finally read something written for someone her own age!

Good luck!

Trisha-Anne

L421 ((((hugs)))) to you

You have been through a lot, and I'm one of those "older" women and I'm not offended at all.

Women your age have so many more challenges than women my age.  You have so much ahead of you, and the possibility of loosing any chance of having children is so hard to come to terms with.

You can tell your mum and her buddy that you are talking with bc survivors - you are talking to us!  The women on these boards will give you all the support and advice you want.  You don't need to talk to someone face to face to get that support. 

I found that there were so many people giving me so much different advice that if I'd listened to everyone I would have starved to death (there's just so many foods out there that "give" you cancer) that in the end I just listened (it was in one ear and out the other actually) and thanked them, and told them it sounded interesting and I'd discuss it with my onc and then promptly forget about it.

I hope you find some peace - you will find wonderful support and advice on these boards, and you can choose what you want to read or not.

Trish

xoxo

liefie

L421, as the mother of a 30-year old daughter myself, I can totally see where your mom is coming from. It is also clear that she does not allow you to be the adult that you are. This is really unfortunate, because if she would just modify her behaviour, she can be your biggest ally in this fight. Nobody can really tell anybody else how to 'do' cancer, not even if you had been there yourself. We are all different individuals with different needs, and each person has to work through this in her own way. Hopefully your mom will eventually realize what it is that you need from her. She obviously loves you, and I do hope she comes around. You don't need more stress than you are dealing with right now, and you are probably doing the right thing by not having contact with them.

Best wishes for your last chemo on Jan. 29. Once you have recovered from chemo, life will slowly settle again, and return to (almost!) normal. Then you can once again enjoy your DH, your new home, and who knows what wonderful things may lie ahead. Big hugs to you!

L421

Thank you all so much for responding! Sandpiper you're right about the effect a medical crisis has on relationships. My mom and I have the type of relationship that goes from best friend to wanting to choke one another in a matter of moments. And she has always been very opiniated when it comes to me and my siblings (who are all adults as well). Y'all are right when it comes to them buying into Pinktasia : positive thinking and a good attitude are all you need! So let me get this straight... All I need is a positive attitude???? Well I'll be damned! Why even bother with chemo? I'll just think of positive things like bunnies and rainbows!

Also wanted to clarify: when I said that most of the support groups here consisted of older ladies...I meant in my community not breast cancer.org. I don't know why but I don't even think of ages on these boards. I'm appreciative of all advise and support from y'all. I have never been much of a joiner type person but I do feel comfortable with an online support system.

I'm glad that y'all don't think I'm horrible for ceasing contact, especially with my mother. Like I said before it breaks my heart. I'm know that all of this behavior comes from a good place but I wish my boundaries were respected. Thank you all again for your insight. Take care everyone!