"Living" a nightmare

Lily55

Had a terrible Christmas, sobbing my heart out all the time, feeling like it will be my last, and at times wanting it to be my last, feeling abnormal, not me anymore and don´t like who i am which is irritable, dissatisfied, uncomfortable physically and emotionally and when I allow myself to think/feel I just feel trapped in a nightmare that still seems unreal....... 

I now have some of the symptoms I had in my ex breast in my remaining breast and getting quite worried.........but holidays still on here til next week so cannot do anything about it......

I don´t think i am depressed but i am not settled or ok at all.....am I making sense? I feel all out of sorts with everyone and everything - where do I belong?  Not with non cancer people and not with cancer people as I don´t want to be reminded all the time............

Kindergarten

Dear Lily! My heart goes out to you!! I was so where you are now 8 years ago!! I had your same feelings and fears, all emerging at the holidays!!! I was diagnosed in November!!!!! Please do not give up hope!!!! One day at a time !! I found if I looked to far ahead in the future, it overwhelmed me! We have pretty much the same diagnosis, I did have bi-lateral breast cancer, stage 2b /3a in the left and Stage 1 in the right. You belong anywhere you want!!! This is a great place to start to find support and comradery!!!!Please know that you do have a future and you will get through this tough time! There are more ladies like me out here, who are long term survivors!!!! I did take an anti-anxiety med in the beginning of my journey. I highly recommend it. It helps you get the sleep you need and get through those high anxiety days. I have not needed anything for a long time now. I still take aromasin, 3 more years!! Hang in there and please let us know how you are doing!!! There is also another thread of long term Stage 3 survivors here with wonderful ladies that went through everything you are experiencing!!! Blessings, Kathy

badger

((Lily)) sorry you're feeling unsettled and out of sorts.  The not-knowing was always the worst part for me.  I was dx 3 years ago, right before Christmas.  Biopsy had been in early Dec so I waited 3 weeks on pins & needles.  You try not to obsess/dwell but you just can't help it.  Boy was that a somber holiday.

Had BMX in early Feb so that anniv is coming up soon.  Knew there was IDC in R breast but went for bilateral mx due to family history.  Learned there was ADH in L breast as well as micromets in R sentinel node at first meeting with onc, 3 weeks later, when he went over the path report and we developed a treatment plan.  I felt like my world was spinning out of control so trusted his experience and followed his recommendations.  It was so hard to make decisions. 

My life has gotten back to semi-normal but the BC is always there.  Although I'm comfortable in my body, it's hard to overlook having no breasts.  I wish there was something I could say to help you feel better, other than BC sucks and you are not alone.  ((hugs))

dlb823

Lily, what you are going through is totally normal.  And sometimes when you've finished your active tx, it just all comes crashing down on us -- all the sadness and fear and anger we didn't have the energy or capacity to deal with when we were facing surgery, etc. -- a real PTSD reaction.

It's good that you recognize how you're feeling and realize it's not the way you want to feel.  Keep talking about it.  And know that it won't last forever.  It really does get better with time.  A few things that helped me when I was at my lowest point emotionally were trying to change the scene when I could -- little getaways and mini vacations -- to experience new places, and to be around ppl who didn't know I'd had bc.  Also, music.  Crank up whatever music makes you feel happy.  I played some songs over and over and over, because they lifted my spirits.  You also have to remember that what we've been through makes us see life differently, and maybe some of your old activities or friends won't be that important to you going forward.  Listen to what your gut tells you about how you're spending you're time, and try to find people and activities that make you happy now.    

And above all -- be gentle with yourself.  You've been through a lot and it's changed you in some pretty deep ways.  Allow yourself to grieve what you've lost, but have faith that life can still be good and fulfilling and beautiful, and that there will be much better days ahead, which there will.  Deanna 

Susie123

(((Lily)))

I completely understand how you're feeling. I was diagnosed 3 years ago during the holidays. I felt like it would be my last Christmas with my kids and was so desperately sad. I remember going back to work after the holiday thinking how can life be going on as normal when my life will never be normal again. It seemed like every milestone in the first year was really hard and made me cry so easy for fear it would be my last time to experience it. Being with the "cancer people" freaked me out because it brought up those awful feelings of fear and I felt like the healthy people were thinking poor Susie, you know she's got cancer. But it does get easier with time. We always worry a little about it coming back, but the worry gets less and less over time. I know that doesn't help you today, just know that's it's perfectly normal to have the dark times but also know that you will see better days ahead.

Lily55

Susie - I could have written those words "hate being with those cancer people..." as I avoid them and also don´t even tell many people I have cancer as I don´t want to be treated differently............and I feel more uncomfortable amongst the people who do know

Susie123

Lily,

I promise those feelings will subside even though right now you feel they never will. You're not even a year out yet so feelings are still strong. I actually had my 6 month onco appointment this morning and it was the first time that I didn't have those dark feelings associated with that place and I'm 3 years out now.

Lily55

THank you - you are right I don´t see how it will ever change.

It was this time last year I started having symptoms though...and now I have some similar feelings in my only breast but no tissue changes.........