Feeling SO unsexy

Albertan

OK, sorry - I just need to vent.  And most of you will tell me to see a counsellor, which is true - that's what I need. 

But I feel SO UNSEXY.  I had a single mastectomy - in Sept and now with chemo, I have lost most of my hair.  And I have a port scar now - it got put in last week. 

My husband is great - so again, some of you feel like telling me to quit my bitching.  He is understanding and putting no pressure on me. 

But I feel so unsexy, sex is the last thing on my mind.  I"m 60 years old, so the remaining boob is pretty loose and droopy and the mastectomy side is just sort of caved in, with it's scar and now the port scar.  I"m not having reconstruction as I abhor surgery.  Have a good prosthesis that I can wear only a little as it bruises my ribs!

I gotta get a slap upside the head because I've read other posts that are positive and I'd sure like to be there and I am just so NOT.  "Look at your scars as signs of survival and rejoice", "see your body as beautiful and you'll get back your self-confidence", "imagine you are an Egyptian pharoah princess with your bald head", or on the intimacy sites "try new sex positions to experiment" or "buy yourself a sexy new negligee" or whatever.  Are you kidding?  Really?  I don't ever want to take off my undershirt, even going to bed, let alone have sex.  How exactly do I see myself with my body, as it being beautiful?  Because I don't think it is.  At all. 

Sorry for being in such a funk.  Guess it's also tied to being Christmas Eve and we're in because of chemo.  I hate this. 

NatsFan

Albertan - sorry no one responded - bad to feel bad on Christmas Eve. 

I understand how you feel - I felt horrible during chemo - I gained 20 chemo pounds, so I was fat, bald and boobless with a road map of scars.  Amazingly enough my wonderful husband still thought I was sexy and pretty - gotta love these men that stand by us.

Chemo was the worst time emotionally for me - the chemo drugs and the steroids affect us physically and emotionally, so what you are feeling seems perfectly normal.  Two things helped me the most - working through chemo and exercise. There were some days when it was all I could do to drag myself to work and back, but despite that, working was a great help to me emotionally - it was a lifeline out of "cancer world" where I could have ordinary conversations about ordinary non-cancer stuff like people's kids, someone's new haircut, or that silly memo from management.  It kept me from focusing too much on me.  If you can't work at your job, is there something else you could do to get yourself out and among people?  A book club or similar group?  It really helps sometimes to have ordinary conversations about something other than cancer. 

My other lifeline was exercise.  Some days I could only manage to walk to the corner and back, but by weeks 2 and 3 after tx, I could manage a longer walk or even a short stint on the elliptical.  I felt like everything else was so physically out of my control, but exercise was one time when I could take control of my body and do something for it.  It helped my body image taking control like that and I didn't feel quite so helpless and yucky.

Bottom line - cancer robs us of a lot, especially during active treatment.  Hang in there and enjoy your husband's love and support, and do what you can to get through chemo.  Chemo will be done eventually, your scars will fade a bit, your hair will grow back, you'll feel stronger, and you can get back into exercise.  All those things will help.  In the meantime, this is a great place to vent because we all get it. 

If you feel that you're really feeling helpless, absolutely talk to your onc or PCP about some anti-depressants or therapy to help get you through this.  Meanwhile, good chocolate is always a drug of choice! 

Hang in there!

christina0001

Oh I can totally relate to this! I also had a UMX and I feel so strange-looking (and I'm trying to use kind words here). I also gained weight during chemo (about 10lbs). And I have always had long hair, and of course now it is quite short (although I am so happy it is growing back!) I hate how I look right now...really it's not just that I dislike it, but it's also that I feel like I do not look like ME anymore, which is so strange.

I'm hoping to lose the weight this year. I am choosing recon surgery, that will happen at the end of July. Albertan I hate the thought of more surgery, but I am only 33 and I just can't face the idea of being like this for many more decades. I hope that after you finish chemo and your hair grows back, you start to feel like yourself again. I can relate, I know people mean well when they say encouraging things like you shared, but it does not ring true for me at all.

SpecialK

albertan - I was not good at imagining I was an Egyptian princess either...  I was just a bald, puffy, sick-feeling person with one flat side and a tissue expander.  You are correct - NOT sexy.  However, I looked at my treatment period as a time-out from sexy.  I did not need to feel sexy at that point, I needed to try to do everything I could to stay alive, and my DH agreed and made me feeling nothing but very loved.  Now that I am on the other side of treatment and after many surgeries, chemo and Herceptin, I do feel much more like my old self.  I found that realizing that this was a temporary state of affairs, and trying to maintain a sense of humor carried the day.  I am sorry you are feeling down, but it is very normal, I hope the time passes and you get past this. 

Anonymous

Me either. This is my second time with BC, second time being bald, had both breasts removed, one breast did not heal so out came the expander, lopsided, constipation, weight gain, watched my best friend die of this horrible disease, and I have no desire. I have eight major scars and forget counting the scars from drain lines. I sleep on the sofa.



I take antidepressants and go to support groups. I try to walk and get out as much as I can. I do feel better until I look in the mirror again. It takes a while to mourn our loss just like when someone dies. We go through the same grieving process. Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time. Do something that you enjoy everyday.



Sending you big hugs!

Dakota212

I can totally relate. I feel so fake. BMX, fake boobs, chemo, bald and fake hair, eyelashes pretty much out fake eyelashes. Separated and feel like there is no one out there who would want to hang out with this scenario. .... Ugh