DIEP 2013
Comments
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So true ..love it Nihahi,
were did you get this is it from a book cover ?
My surgery is set for Sept 5, going for a CT scan Aug 13
Anne
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Deb - I am unfortunately at work and I can't talk long. Get rid of the cigs darlin. I get it. Been there done that. Say no. It can seriously affect the good decision you have made for your future. You are stronger than a smoke. You do have inner strength left....you do....I am sending it to you.
The slip you had today is not the end of the world. Get past the bump, honey.
Do something GOOD for yourself. Find a trail and go for a walk. Find a quiet beautiful place and find the good .....there is always good. There is always hope. You are never alone. You are held up by all of us....and by your family...and, I believe, a higher power (for me it's God...May be something else for others). You do have the ability, the power, the strength to choose happy, despite anything others or life throw at you. Make the choice for strong and happy.
Crap I have a meeting. I will check on you later. Sometimes you have to just get through the next minute....one minute at a time. You can do anything for a minute. -
Oh deb....we have all been there. The "waiting room" truly is one of the hardest parts of this. We all have "those" kind of friends....we've had reasons to scream.....hasn't what I've already had to deal with been hard enough?? You do NOT need to apologize for expressing your fears, worries, sadness, anger to us. No one gets a medal for having a "worse life, more complications" than another. I am glad to hear that "he" is your EXhusband....no one needs a toxic person like that in their life.
Throw the ciggies down the toilet....put the seat down.....sit down and have yourself a good, long cry if you need to. Then, open the door, take a big breath and take the next step. There is always always always a chance every moment of every day, to turn your steps in a "better direction"!!!!! Do you have any access to a breast cancer support system??? Are you sleeping???? Can you get yourself prescribed some anti-anxiety meds???
You are not alone....we are all here for you...you don't have to be brave, you can go into this surgery kicking and screaming at the "unfairness" of it....and we understand. Stay with us, we're already lining behind you and will stick with you!
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Deb, like bailey said, get rid of the cigs! If you have any around the house make sure you break them to pieces and throw them away! I get its hard, but do something else when you're stressed. Chew gum, vent in here, go for a walk....
I get you're scared, I was too! The new boobs don't look like the real ones, they never will. But they look good, and it is a process. I wanted to get up from surgery with perfect boobs and that is not going to happen. They have to go through a few steps before they look good. I'm getting my shaping and nipple do e on Monday and then wait 3 months and get the tattooing. So a total of nine months process! But it's ok. With clothes on you can't tell, so I just try not to stare at the mirror when I'm naked. And I just tell myself this is only temporarily, so I've been just fine!! I think of people like my mom that have to wait for their reco and how much worst they have it. So I think I'm lucky:) -
Nihahi & Marty J - Thanks for your feedback about Dr Escargot's lack of remorse. Mostly I feel sad that that a relationship that I valued no longer exists - at one time I literally felt like he had my life in his hands, and my best interests at heart - but my trust is gone. Nihahi - I really did feel close to a whiney teenager cus I culd just hear myself saying 'Whyyyyy?'. There was a time when I actually was that person. But with all I've learned in my life I really wish I'd grabbbed the bull by the horns and called his office immediately to ask why he hadn't shown up for my surgery. That's the person I'd rather be. Instead, I spent time feeling hurt, confused and angry. And I've shed too many tears in his office over the last two years, and I was hoping to go out with a bang.
Mammalou - I had the pain you're describing, twic.e The pain was so intense that I assumed my PS had left a scalpel behnd. I went for an exam and was told it that there were vertical stitches on either side of my belly button that were going through layers of healing. They were invisible on the surface because the incision/stitches were done before the skin was pulled. The pain came out of nowhere (week 3) and lasted for about five days, dissappered for a few weeks, then reappeared a later (week 5) in a different spot. I didn't even know these other incisions existed - but that's just my personal experience. Any pain is worth a call as far as I'm concorned.
There's seemes to be a new, odd, symptom every week (Don't be frightened Newbies's. All manageable - and still moving forward!) This week it feels like my left breast is swollen, but that could be the tissue softening. Is is possible to swell at seven weeks?
Janet
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Hello all,
I have been lurking here for a few weeks. Found out I had breast cancer (for the 2nd time) July 1. I had decided to do a bmx with immediate DIEP reconstruction. Because of scheduling issues, this won't happen until the end of August. I freak out sometimes because the "shadowing" that was seen on my mammogram that turned out to be a 3.6 lesion was in October of last year. I didn't rush to do the 6 month followup because they did a biopsy (of something else obviously) but waited until June to ask for an MRI. It was a conscious decision -- so tired of all the callbacks. Of all the times to be late in a follow up. Also I am still a bit upset that all the suspicious things in my October mammogram were not biopsied at that time. So I'll be 10+ months with this cancer once it's actually removed.
I get upset when I think about this. But I want to do everything at once, plus I want to enjoy some of my summer, and my niece who lives with me is going back to school the week before my surgery. Frankly, I don't want her around when I get my surgery; I prefer her away at school. And I was told that at this point a couple of months isn't going to make a big difference.
I had been dx with DCIS 6 years ago and was treated with lumpectomy, radiation and tamoxifen for 5 years. Funny thing is that the DCIS that was discovered, was only 7mm. I'd always suspected that I might have been over treated -- especially with the radiation but I did what was suggested by my doctors. And I did all my mammograms (annual) and had a biopsy or 2 in the interim. I missed 2 years of MRI's (2011 and 2012) that I knew I should have had but no one really suggested or pushed them on me. As a matter of fact, the MRI I had that confirmed the bc in July was my suggestion. I did annual mammo's with an ultrasound if they saw something suspicious. Went to the oncologist yesterday and he didn't feel anything palpable. I have huge dense breasts and didn't really realize that density itself was in fact a risk factor until a year or so ago. I am kicking myself that I didn't insist on the MRI's but I hated having them and like I said nobody requested that I have one. Just venting here. 6 years ago mammography detected a tiny 7mm lesion of DCIS, but in those 6 years it couldn't detect an invasive cancer until it got to over 3 centimers!!! I am flabbergasted by this. Just venting; what's done is done and I have to look ahead and get ready to deal with this.
So I did rads, and tamoxifen and while I didn't have recurrence of DCIS, I got IDC. Maybe it was there all along. So this means in a sense, these treatments didn't work. Most worrisome is this cancer developed while I was on tamoxifen (which I didn't really want to take but tolerated well). So even though I'm 100% ER+ and moderately PR+, the hormonal I was taking failed. In addition, the fact that I did raditation, which apparently also didn't work at killing the cancer cells, means I can't do them now. So that's another weapon in the arsenal gone. So I have a large tumor, that grew on anti hormonals and wasn't stopped by radiation. I am praying hard that there is no node involvement or LVI but it's looking like I'll be doing chemo.
I am upset but not a basket case yet. I think I'm still in a bit of denial. I haven't told anyone outside the medical community except my boyfriend who has been very supportive. I have an 81 year old mother and I will tell her about a week before sugery. I also have an aunt who had BC many years ago but is now struggling from the effects of chemo from another cancer. I don't think them knowing about this right now is going to help. I want them to have as much time without worrying about me as possible. I know my family will be devastated and I just want to delay that as much as possible.
I can be in denial right now because I haven't started treatment. The day I do surgery is the day my new life begins. The prior treatment was, with the exception of skin issues from radiation, relatively easy. It was more the emotional stuff of dealing with "cancer" that was the hardest to deal with; all the worry and obsessing about it. Boy, what I wouldn't give to have those 6 years back. All that stress about a little DCIS, while the real cancer was lurking nearby. But once they cut me open, remove my 2 breasts and start the reconstruction process the I can't pretend anymore. I'll be in pain; I'll be in stitches, my body will have been mutilated; I will be different. My life will be different. Then I get to wait for pathology and quite frankly, given my history I am just not that optimistic. I'm hopeful but I'm realistic and I wouldn't be suprised if I'm upstaged after surgery. But like people here say, it is what it is ... and I'll do my best to do whatever treatments I have to do to save my life. But I know the deal first hand: with cancer, nothing is guaranteed.
Okay guys, thanks for listening to my story. This is so long that I might just copy it to other forums; but I do read here a lot trying to learn others experiences about the surgery. I still really don't know what to expect.
Thanks!
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Welcome 2timer. I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I am tamoxifen too. There is a test you can take to see how well you metabolize the drug. I hope it is working.
Deb, you had a low day. Put it behind you and try to have a better day today. (((hugs)))
Nihahi, I love your photo. Great words always make me feel good. -
mammalou- I did *something* about 3 weeks into my recovery- tore a muscle or pulled some internal stitches....something. It hurts pretty bad just a couple inches to the side of my belly button. I have no idea what it really is but it isn't getting better. I hope you don't have the same thing. Is it red or warm?
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((((2timer)))) hugs!
TGIF Ladies!
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TGIF ladies!
Nihahi - doing very well thanks! I second your comments to DebDylan. I have my boobs now, with or without clothing. My bra had boobs when I was able to wear the prosthetics. The difference is day and night.
Jeannie - so happy to hear you are back home. Keep breathing and coughing, girlfriend! We want you to stay home. I dare say Wilbur is going to live on in this group forever.
DebDylan - hang in there. We have all been very self-absorbed. You can't help it, it is happening to you. Some people just don't know what to say, so they stay away. Others may not say the right thing, but they mean well. Makes me realize all the stupid things I may have said at one time. If you haven't been there, you don't really understand. As much as our experiences on this thread are similar, even those are different. But we get it more than any other group you will find.
2timer - so sorry to hear about all the issues you have going on. And the worry ticker tape is running through your mind. One step at a time. I prefer a little xanax to help when the anxiety is overwhelming. Keep coming back here as there is such a wealth of knowledge in this group. We are all here to listen and sympathize with what you are going through.
Praying for strength and wisdom for all of us. ...Julie
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2Timer, you are welcome to share your feelings and concerns here! There is support for you here, not judgment or rejection. Like others have said, we are surrounding you with a warm hug of support. What you are going through is tough. no doubt. When you fall we are here to help you up. DebDylan, the same applies to you. I know there are good men out there who will love you for you, not just your boobs. You will need high standards to find them. You will have healthy new boobs soon. They may not look or feel quite the same but you will be thankful for all that the science of medicine can do in creating such amazing things. At least, I am.
I'm sorry, Mammalou and Sweetpickle for the discomfort you are feeling. Damiana, too. I hope it resolves soon.
Faith, I pray for good results from your biopsy. Goldie, BCBS better cover that scan! I pray for benign results so you can get going on reconstruction.
Everyone else, here's to healing and keeping on keeping on. Towanda!
I had a pretty good night's sleep and am looking forward to a better day. -
10 mg Celexa every day since diagnosis day....has helped me choose happy without making me numb. I never would have allowed myself such a drug before dx...cancer dx changed my tune and helped me "get it" when it comes to antidepressants. Celexa also drastically reduces my hot flashes. I also hit a half mg of ativan sometimes at night when when the radio stations (think that is an Sbel-ism) in my head won't quit.
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Standing in a barn, at the relief centre, watching it rain, AGAIN!!!!!
Welcome to the new ladies, as it is so often said, sorry you are here, but you couldn't have found a better group of friends to help you through this! Never a need to apologize for long posts, sad posts, angry posts, scared posts.......you've got a whole lot of shoulders to lean on now. I think most of us have found that the only "direction" to go from here, is forward. No one knowingly "caused" their cancer, no one deliberately avoided detection, none of us deliberately created complications.....we all just did and do the best we can. None of us are perfect patients....even the expert Dr....are not always experts. Eyes on the future, gals.....we all have more and better living to do. -
2timer- I am sorry about the reoccurance- that has to be so scary, but you will beat it this time!
Debdylan-Don't apologize for anything. You are going through a scary and life changing time right now. You will be okay though. Different, but okay!
A year ago today I was in the hospital. I remember the nurses wheeling me into the OR and I peeked into my hospital gown to say goodbye to my naughty boob one last time. Then I had my mastectomy. I never thought I would recover from that emotionally. Maybe I haven't completely, but I have certainly come further than I though! And my DIEP boob may have some issues- like hair and a big hole but there isnt' a day that has gone by that I have regretted going this route. What a year! -
Finally able to check in. I'll try to write something more detailed later, but overall surgery and recovery went well. I had a delayed unilater DIEP and a lift on my "good" breast. The results already look awesome in my opinion. But the recovery has been rough. My surgery was Tuesday; today is Friday and it is the first day I've been able to walk without getting super dizzy or nauseous. I've had quite a bit of pain but fortunately they have been very generous with pain medications so overall it's been tolerable. As long as things continue to go well, I should be able to go home tomorrow!
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Congratulations Christina! You are a veteran flapper!
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Deb, you have every right to feel the way you do, and you are not self absorbed. I am married, and I feel like I have lost all my feminity. It is so hard. You ex husband said an ugly thing in a bad moment. It means nothing. With immediate reconstruction you will look better than before. I can almost promise you that, and then he will be eating his heart out, but that is not the point, the point is you are going to beat cancer, look great, and have a great life. I promise! Remember, happiness is the best revenge. Screw him!!!!
And, you have us, and Wilbur. What more could you ask for? I am sending loving embracing hugs your way. Hope you can feel them!
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congrats Christina!!!
Question: When I go for surgery I pretty sure I'm up on items such as lip balm, glasses, charger etc. BUT 1.) do I need undies and bra? If so a size smaller or same. Should the panties be low or high?
2.) at home do I wear lose pants or wait till drains are gone?
Ugh -
Tracy, at home I was most comfortable in a night gown, or house dress that buttoned up the front. They aren't that hard to find at Kohls, Penny's, etc. They aren't glamorous by any means, but they are comfie, and they work if you can't wear panties, etc.
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((((Debdylan))))) good luck! I will be praying N following you!
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Tracy-You won't need a bra to come home in- probably wont need underwear either. Do you know where the drains will be placed? I assumed mine would be in my hips but they were in my pubic area- I couldn't wear underwear for a couple of weeks- had to wait till the drains got pulled. I also could not wear any shorts or pants- even loose ones because of drain placement. I ended up having to wear skirts and dresses. Since the drains got pulled I have experimented with underwear- I am numb so as long as they didn't rest right on the incision it didn't matter whether they were higher or lower...
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Before I started chemo, I thought my feminine attributes were on their way out the door. Losing my hair...losing my breasts...it was all tough. My husby, bless him, assured me daily, sometimes hourly, that I was a beautiful woman no matter what was growing out of my head or chest.
After the umx, with the lumpy and puckered scar where my breast used to be, I admit I felt very un-pretty. The DIEP has given me back my breast. Right now, before Stage II, the boobs are uneven with crooked incisional scars and lumpy with some fat necrosis, but I don't care. I can wear a bra with no heavy silicone pretending to be a breast. Where there was nothing, I have a soft, warm, round, breast. It's beautiful.
Tracy, I wore a loose dress at home, and the few times I ventured out before the drains were removed, I wore loose pants and a loose tee. When I had to wear panties with the drains in (rarely) I wore high, granny panties that came higher than the drain "fangs" in my pubic area.
Christina, welcome to the other side! Hope your recovery is smooth and fast.
Happy Friday, everyone!
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Damiana9 could you lift your arms for dresses? Or pull up (zippers) ? Sorry so many questions!!
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Two weeks out from surgery today. It seems like years ago. Each day of the past 14 days has been different than the one before it. Pain, sadness, grief, acceptance, hope. (Sometimes all within a span of 5 minutes!)
I am very happy I chose to have the surgery and I'm learning to love my new breasts. I've never been very pretty, or slim, or had any remarkable features. But I've always loved my breasts as my best feature. They served me well for many years and nurtured my children. It's kind of like the first car I learned to drive. It was a big old comfortable car and you get used to handling it. But now I've upgraded to a more modern, sleek, reliable and SAFE aerodynamic car!
I'm having lots of issues this week with pain, leakiness, seroma, blood blisters... but hopefully there will be no new car recalls!My other concern was my husband. We've been together since I was 17 and he is the medically squeamish type to faint at the mention of blood! I didn't even get my ears pierced until I was 40 because he didn't like the thought of a needle going through my ears! (he got over it) I was so worried he would think I was a freak show and be horrified and never want to be with me again. But my medical wimp husband has turned out to be the most amazing compassionate, loving, nurse I could ever hope for. His brave face and encouraging words have helped me to look forward. He hasn't shown one sign of disgust, or horror, and can clean wounds and empty drains with the best of them! He really stepped up to the plate and I love him even more for it. There really are men out there who care for who you are, and not your appearance.
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I have found a way to be less self-absorbed right before surgery. However, I caution everyone not to try this. My DH will be having his 3 level lower back fusion repaired with 2 levels added for a total lower back fusion of 5. He has 4 in his neck. His surgery is the day after my next stage. So on Tuesday, my wonderful doctor will work me over to fat graft and improve symmetry and aesthetics. Thankfully, it will be outpatient unless I repeat my previous preformance by throwing up repeatedly in the PACU. On Wednesday, we will drive my DH to another hospital for his surgery. So, I am back to preparing like I did for my DIEP. Shopping with him for recovery clothes. Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. He won't be leaving the house for 2 weeks unless he can get to the mail box. He can't drive for 6 weeks. Recovery about 4 months. I just can't believe this.
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Jeannie,
Was just thinking of where your pain is. I had similar pain one time that was just excruciating and went to the doc. He said I had pulled a muscle off my rib cage from running. I was breathing so hard, it actually pulled away from the bone. I wrapped it and took ibuprofen and it eventually healed. Wonder if something like that is going on with you? He said it didn't take much. I was just glad I wasn't having a dang heart attack! It was uncomfortable to take a deep breath for about 2 weeks but just got better in time.
Finished round 2 AC yesterday. Felt super crappy yesterday but ok today, just really tired. Didn't make it to work but have to drag my butt to the doc for Neulasta. Ugh!
Looks like my DIEP won't be til July of next year. Sooo tired of waiting... -
To our newest friends....be assured there IS LIFE during treatment and after treatment....through it all you are still here and still LIVING don't let your fears stop you from enjoying things....or finding new things to enjoy.
Debdylan...you will find love....just please make sure it's with someone who would never say or even think something so cruel or so ridiculous. Just because he said it doesn't mean you have to believe it or be defined by it because it's crap.
Tracy- my drains were on my hips but so low that undies were not comfortable. I wore stretchy cotton pants and skirts. Just be careful if you leave the house with skirt and no panties and then go, oh, idk to the chiropractor, for example, and have to do something like lie down on the table facing the hallway....I would imagine that could be embarrassing...not that I would KNOW or anything
Christina- so glad you were able to check in! Gentle hugs and prayers.
Bluebird - I love your honest post and the way you write and find you remarkable in every way
We are quite a remarkable bunch.
I always think of Wilbur as a cute little pink pig lol! And Charlotte (in her web) said, "some pig!" Didn't she??? SOME FLAP! SOME BOOB!or a spider web that says "SOME RACK!"
Omg....is it 5:00 yet...I need a weekend! -
Bluebird, I had the same experience with my husband. I finally am seeing the man he really has been all this time, but like most women, we rule the roost even if the men don't seem to notice, and when it's time for them to really step up to the plate, like we have been doing for years, we are just not sure if they are capable. It seems like a lot of us are lucky, and have found out we have amazing men in our lives we are perfectly capable of many things we may not even be able to do. I have fallen in love with my husband over, and over again the last few months, he still pisses me off sometimes, but I get over it a lot quicker now..lol.
And, your new breasts will, from what I hear, become part of you soon enough. Give it time. Grieve. You have to grieve. I read it's like a death. Denial, barginning, anger, depression and then acceptance. It can take a while.
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Marty, I am so sorry for your husband. I have back issues too, and it stinks big time.
It looks like it's your turn to take care of him. Poor guy, and you too. I wish we could all snap our fingers and be closer to each other when we are in need. When I was a little girl I use to fantasize about being Bewitched, or Jeannie. I still do!
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Marty....no doesn't sound like a good protocol....I am so sorry you and and your husband are only a day apart. Do you have family and friends nearby who can help? Hugs!
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