Marriage...What to do...what to do...?

PinkRider

The cancer journey was crazy...I was diagnosed when our son was 4mo old, double mast, chemo, radiation, brca1+ so had hyst may 2012, and now doing reconstruction...I have been on antidepressants for years, no problems...

During it all, my husband freaked.  I was strong. I had to be. I felt I couldn't handle more anxiety from others hearing about their fears...especiallly my husbands...which he tried to tell me constantly...I finally said "I need you to be strong.  I cannot deal with your fears and anxieties right now, I have enough trouble with my own and trying to take care of our son"...which he proceeded to tell me 'You know, it's not all about YOU...I'm going through this, so is our son, so is everyone else...you can't just listen to me?"

I said NO.  my fear of dying, not being there for our son was debilitating on it's own to deal with for me. and I couldn't talk to HIM about it, it just freaked him out. But he wanted the experience to "bring us closer". He wasn't working at the time, saying he was there to "help", and then kept complaining about money, but never once looked for a temp job for the next 3 months! I received a substantial chq from life ins, etc.

During the time he was there to 'help' and while going thru chemo, I was the one getting up at night with our son, I still kept the house pretty clean (he's a clean freak), I tried to keep track of bills and stuff, forgot some so he had to take over...went camping as a family, drove places, visited ppl when I felt up to it, which wasn't a whole lot of the time...anyways, during this we argued almost daily, he thought I needed to get out more, don't be so depressed, down, whatever you want to call it...but I WAS COPING.  I STAYED POSITIVE THRU IT ALL.  I even rode my horse for 6hrs for a breast cancer ride 3 days after my last treatment!

Now, we had problems even before the cancer stuff hit, but I am left with this residual RESENTMENT towards my husband. I don't find him attractive anymore, my body actually tenses and reacts when he puts an arm on me in bed, I cringe at the thought of having sex with him.

We are seeing a psychologist now, started recently, but I don't know if it's even worth it...

We argue daily, and our now 2yr old is greatly affected by the tension and animosity in our home.

HELP!!!

Blessings2011

Oh, PinkRider, what a long, hard road you've traveled...

I can honestly say that the loneliest I've ever been was when I was in the same room with someone I didn't want to be with.

You say that you had problems with your marriage even before BC....unfortunately, a life-threatening illness will bring out either the best or the worst in some folks.

Ann Landers (or was it Dear Abby?) had a saying: "Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him?"

Every single feeling you are having right now is normal, especially the resentment, and the reluctance to be intimate.

But those are all things that can be worked on. BC cuts a horrible swath through our lives, and if we let it, can destroy everything in its path.

In time, you may find yourself able to forgive your husband for his behavior and his actions during your illness, especially if the counselor is able to make him understand just how vulnerable you were during that time.

In time, you may find that you are not so angry any more.  Forgiveness is really something we do for ourselves, so the anger does not eat us up from the inside out.

Bottom line - are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him?

Is there a part of you that still loves him despite his behavior? Is it possible that he never learned how to communicate his feelings in a healthy way? Or deal with illness/fear/anxiety in a healthy way? Could he learn?

Is he a good father? Is he ready to be a good provider?

Is this an opportunity for the two of you to create a better marriage for the future?

Or when it comes right down to it, would you have a better sense of peace in your heart as a single mom?

One of the hardest things for many men to understand is that without EMOTIONAL intimacy, there can be no PHYSICAL intimacy for many women.

It takes a lot of work, but it can be done.

I wish you all the best.

Layla2525

Blessings, how did you get so much wisdom? You know a lot about bras and a lot about relationships. I really feel for her. I had 2 marriages that sucked. Now I have been in a 12 yr on and off relationship.  Since I got my implants, he doesnt seem to be attracted anymore. He wont even take his viagra. He calls me all the time and wants to hang out. However, I dont need a buddy to go biking with. I can do that with anyone or alone. He liked the real ones and the TE. The TE was so darn weird. The new ones dont have nips so wore the fake rubber ones. Guess that and the little brown tape freaked him out. He drinks a lot now and guess we both need therapy. Hope therapy helps PinkRider and the family and the 2 yr old. Are the guys having a harder time handling this BC stuff than we are? When we are the ones its happening to? And we feel like we have no control over our lives and our bodies anymore?