When your husband can't/won't encourage you......

Puppers

It is really hard to write this...my husband loves me so very much, and when it comes to my health, he just absolutely cannot stand it when I have to go through any type of screening, checkup, xray, lab work, etc.  Rather than supporting and encouraging me, he gets angry and withdraws into himself worrying and being upset.  He doesn't reach out to me and see what I need, his anger and frustration is taken out on his family by way of impatience, being in a bad mood, and withdrawal.  He is not angry at me he says, just at the situation.  Like I said, he withdraws from me and does not support me when I have a health issue.  I see husbands on TV, wearing pink ribbons and shirts, supporting their wives, standing with them, but when it comes to my health challenges, my husband just does not do that.  Quite the opposite.  I am so tempted in the future not to even tell him when I have a doctor's appointment or test scheduled, as it will only send him down that same path again.  How can I deal with the fact that, in the future anymore, he cannot/will not be there for me due to his own feelings of anger and frustration?  How do I accept this fact?  I love him very much and he is a great husband, except when I have something happen - I am then very much on my own emotionally and he expects me to comfort him.....anybody else experience this and how do you handle it?  I just don't know what to do going forward... thanks!

Lee7

puppers,

I'm going to send you a PM.

blainejennifer

My dear spouse is kind of the same way. A wise friend told me to label the behavior. To say, "Hey, I feel you are pulling away from me and it makes me sad." And more stuff like that.

I've been doing that, and he's stepping up. Clumsily, at first, and sometimes I think I miss the old way, because I didn't have to answer so many questions. But he is trying. And it is helping. I still don't want him at chemo because his nerves are so visible. It's a bit energy draining for me.

Keep in mind, like you, I love my guy. He even told me one time, when I was bursting with the good news that my TMs were down, that he was disappointed in how little they'd dropped and he was hoping for more. Yes, me too buddy, but we celebrate first that they are dropping at all.

You have to decide for yourself is this is a deal breaker. Because, honestly, we can't really, truly change their behavior. Shape it, yes. Change, not so much.

On the other hand, I had a chemo friend who told me that she wished her husband would back off a bit. It was almost like he didn't trust her to handle her treatment.

Wishing you the best,

Jennifer

wenweb

Puppers From what you have said, it sounds like your husband is fearful in a situation that is completely out of his control.  Anger and withdrawal are the ways he deals with it.  I would be willing to bet he would change how he reacts if he could.  Perhaps you are and have been the stronger one between the two of you, and he needs/wants your support at a time when you are unavailable to give it.  A question only you can answer.  Some how this issue needs to be addressed as Jennifer stated.  In the mean time, you need to take care of you.  For what it's worth...

Take Care,

Wendy

New-girl

You have wrote about my husband to the T.  We were barely speaking the morning of my BMX.  He visited me in the hospital as little as possible.  It really was better for all of us rather then see him so nervous and jittery.  He came to one appointment with me to the BS and that was more painful watching him then listening to the BS talk about my BMX and possible chemo and rads.  He got very angry with me the first weekend home after I had been in the hospital for a week over a medical bill.  We saw a therapist for awhile and that just made him more angry.  We are now almost 10 months down the road and he flipped out this week over a stupid doctor's appointment.  BUT we have been married 28 years, and I love him dearly.  I am the strong one and usually handle the crisis in our family.  He is an awesome provider, dad  and all around great guy.  But this has thrown him in a situation where he is terrified.  So he ignores me, yells at me and I go on.  This too I hope will pass.I am fortunate to have amazing friends that support me when he cannot.  Please find someone that you can lean on because if he is like mine, I doubt he ever will be that person.

wenweb

grt You sound like an amazing and strong woman