Having a sad day

thankful4life

Do y'all have sad days for no reason sometimes? Today is one of those days for me. I've been having lots of bone/joint pain, but that is an everyday thing, so I don't think that is what is causing my sadness.



My life, as many of your lives, has been such a roller coaster the last 3 years. Then last year when I had sepsis, I think it set me back a lot. My body has just not had a chance to recover before something else happens.



I feel like I'm crouched down with my arms around me, shielding my head and body from whatever is about to happen next.

curveball

@thankful4life--yeah, I occasionally have down days, but I had them before my cancer diagnosis too. Maybe your blue mood is nothing to do with cancer, or it may be caused by fatigue from your long stretch of one treatment after another, without much time to catch your breath in between. I have sometimes (both before & after cancer) found myself in tears from sheer tiredness. I think your attitude of being "thankful for life" will help you get over that down feling. And I'm sending you a cyber (((hug))), with hopes you will feel more cheerful soon.

thankful4life

Thanks, curveball.

thefuzzylemon

Thankful...oh yes sweetie.  Sometimes it's something that is happening to me, sometimes it is something that is happening to someone else.  My emotions are kinda taking over my world I guess.  But, we keeping taking one little step at a time to make the right decisions and make the right moves...and that's all we can do really.  Are you on any medications?  Are you able to talk to anyone regularly?  Before all of this crazyiness, I was pretty good at yoga and meditated many times a day...I'm so far away from that now, but I have ambitions of getting there again someday.  So...where is it that you would like to be?

JRyan

(((Thankful4life))) I know what you mean. I get those days too. Sometimes life itself is just so overwhelming, then you throw in all the crap we've been through and, yeah, sad days happen. Sending hugs your way and hoping for a day of smiles tomorrow!

nurseronda10

I was in great shape physically before breast cancer and seems like I stay down in the dumps because I feel like crap most of the time.  My joints ache, I have zero energy and the list goes on.  My work makes my feet and legs ache, so by the time I get off work, all I feel like doing is sitting in the chair.  I know if I would start exercising again, I would feel better mentally and physically.  I had 4 surgeries in 22 months but I am healed from those, so reallly have no excuse for not getting up off my behind.    

JRyan

Nurseronda10, Don't beat yourself up about it. Our bodies and minds have been through so much, it just takes time. I was also in great shape and had gotten to my ideal weight when dx. Now i am 15 pounds up and flabby, out of energy, or even desire to do anything about it. I am going to try to take a little walk tomorrow, and maybe that will start something. But if i wake up and feel like laying on the couch all day, then dang it, that's what i will do, and NOT feel guilty about it. Life is too hard to put additional stressors on ourselves. Hugs to you.

dogsandjogs

I think you are emotionally tired. Four surgeries in less than 2 years is a lot. Don't be so hard on yourself. You may have recovered physically, but the psyche takes a lot longer I believe.

thankful4life

Yeah, I've actually had 9 surgeries, and that doesn't count the 4 hospitalizations I had last summer for sepsis, fevers, possible abscess and then developing a blood clot from the PICC line. And since then, I have a fever almost every day, and 2 infectious disease specialists can't figure out why.



But I have a new GRANDBABY (10 weeks old) and just found out that second daughter and her husband are expecting a baby in June, so I will have 2 grandbabies!!!!! I need to concentrate on that.



Thanks for the kind words.

purple32

TOTALLY normal, thankful!

You might consider the meds or hormonal issues as part of the reason too.

Tomorrow is  a new day---I hope it is  better for you.

(((HUGS)))

nurseronda10

thankful4life, oh my, 9 surgeries is a lot.  So sorry you have been through so much.  Breast cancer sucks!

Congratulations on the new addition(s)!!

I'm sure every woman that gets this dreaded disease has their bad days, so we are not alone. 

otter

thankful, two words: aromatase inhibitor

I saw from your sig line that you're on Femara. I'll bet my next paycheck (oh, wait - I'm retired; good luck!) that your unexplainable blahs are from that darn AI you're taking. I've been on Arimidex/anastrozole for almost 4-1/2 years, and I have sudden bouts of sadness that hit for no reason whatsoever.  If you drop in on one or another of the AI threads on the Hormone Therapy forum, I think you'll see there are lots of us dealing with unexplained "depression" while we're on AI's.  Some women are even taking antidepressants for it; I'm not.

I know, some of this could be the trauma of a BC dx and all the treatment we've had. I *hated* chemo (4 rounds of Taxotere/Cytoxan) and everything associated with it. My mast/SNB side still has twinges and aches, 4 years and 8 months later. This danged Arimidex/anastrozole makes my bones and muscles ache so much I can't sleep without taking Advil before bed.  My hair is thinner than it was, and my eyelashes never grew back to their pre-chemo length. I'm tired a lot.

But, unexplained sadness?  Before my BC dx, I had episodes of blahs and sadness, but there was always a reason - something I could point to. Not now. I get all weepy for no reason at all. It sux (along with all the rest of this).

So, my money is on the Femara.  And, that part about crouching down with your arms wrapped around you for protection?  Oh, yes.

otter

thankful4life

Yes, Femara makes me feel like I'm 90 years old, and you are right about it affecting my moods. I just went back on it a month ago after a 6-week break. I loved the 6-week break!



I remember the days when I would play tennis 5 times a week. No more!

Anonymous

Having that same day. In bed, covers over head, crying. I can relate. I am so sorry for us all.

Anonymous

thankful- I was totally unprepared for the sadness I felt after everything was all done.  It seemed like no one talked about that but I've since found out it is very common.  I really think part of it is we really don't start processing everything emotionally until we are done with treatment.  At that point most of our support system (medical and personal) have moved on and expect us to as well.  We're left with all these thoughts, feelings and emotions without an outlet for them.  Or, worse, made to feel as though there is something wrong with us because we aren't able to move forward.  The American Cancer Society says it can take about 2 years from dx for life to feel somewhat normal again.  I think with BC, though, it's a much longer timetable.  There are so many nuances with BC that just aren't part of other cancers.  We not only deal with our own mortality we are also adjusting to body image, intimacy, perhaps multiple surgeries if recon is involved and much more.  I think each of these adds to the difficulty of moving on.

I hope it helps to know you're not alone as these other posts have shown.  A while ago I found this article by a former cancer patient that really helped me.  It was written by a man named Dana Jennings who blogs for the New York Times, who had prostate cancer, but goes to show how anyone with cancer has been changed by it.  It really helped me so wanted to share it once again-

After Cancer, Ambushed by Depression

By Dana Jennings

I’m depressed.

I’m recovering well from an aggressive case of prostate cancer.  I haven’t had any treatment in months, and all of my physical signposts of health are pointing in the right direction.

Still, I’m depressed.

And I’ve been ambushed by it.  After more than one year of diagnosis, treatment and waiting.  It’s almost as if, finally and unexpectedly, my psyche heaved a sigh and gave itself permission to implode.

I’m not alone in this cancer-caused depression.  As many as 25 percent of cancer patients develop depression, according to the American Cancer Society.  That’s contrasted with about 7 percent of the general population.

This isn’t about sadness or melancholy.  It’s more profound than that.  Broadly, I have a keen sense of being oppressed, as if I were trapped, wrapped up in some thick fog coming off the North Atlantic.

To be more specific, I’m exhausted, unfocused and tap my left foot a lot in agitation.  I don’t much want to go anywhere- especially anyplace that’s crowded- and some days I can’t even bear the thought of picking up the phone or changing a light bulb.  All of this is often topped off by an aspirin-proof headache.

The fatigue frustrates me the most.  When I envision myself it’s as a body of motion, walking or running, not floundering in bed.  On one recent day, I slept till 10 in the morning- getting 11 hours of sleep- then took a nap from noon to 2.  And I was still tired.

I’ve had occasional depression over the years, but nothing as dogged as this.  When I first learned that I had prostate cancer, I wondered about depression.  But after the shock of the diagnosis wore off, I was sharp and clear-headed.  I wasn’t depressed as I went through treatment- surgery, radiation and hormone therapy.  I was buoyed by a kind of illness-induced adrenaline.

The bone-smoldering fatigue arrived in late spring/early summer, and intensified as summer deepened.  I thought that I might be depressed, but resisted the diagnosis, didn’t want to countenance the idea that I could be depressed after all of my treatment.

I stubbornly chalked up the fatigue to the lingering aftereffects of radiation and my fluctuating levels of testosterone.  But I was wrong.

I am seeing a psychiatrist who specialized in cancer patients, and have started a course in medication.  My doctor assures me that depression isn’t unusual among those who are on the far side of treatment.

Partly, I think, I’m grieving for the person I was before I learned I had cancer.  Mortality is no longer abstract, and a certain innocence has been lost.

And while the physical trauma is past, the stress lingers and brings with it days washed in fine shades of gray.  In the same way that radiation has a half-life, stress does to.  We all ache to be the heroes of our own tales, right?  Well, I’m not feeling too heroic these days.

Cancer pushes a lot of difficult buttons.  It lays bare our basic vulnerability and underlines the uncertainty of this life.  And prostate cancer attacks our culture’s ideal of manhood.  The steely eyed Marlboro Man isn’t expected to worry about incontinence and erectile dysfunction.

Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases.  Even though my health keeps improving, and there’s a good chance that I’m cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp.

It’s harder to write about the weight of depression than it is to write about prostate cancer and its physical indignities.  Cancer is clear biological bad luck.  But depression, no matter how much we know about it, makes part of me feel as if it’s somehow my fault, and that I’m guilty of something I can’t quite articulate.

This has been a difficult post to write because during my dark waltz with cancer I’ve depended on my natural optimism and my sense of humor to help see me through.  But depression blunts those traits.

In the end, though, I believe and trust in the healing power of the stories that we tell each other.  And I wouldn’t be truthful to you or myself if I ignored the fact that I’m depressed- even as I wait for a brisk wind out of the North to blow this fog of mine away.

thankful4life

Kate, thanks so much for that. That was awesome.

wenweb

That was awesome, thank-you Kate.  People (friends, family) assume that if we are in the clear from the cancer, everything must be all right.  Who wouldn't/shouldn't be grateful for good health?  We feel guilty that physically we are doing well, but for many of us emotionally, not as well, or not well at all.  The emotional side of the story is completely overlooked unless you have lived or are living it.  Being truthful in how we are feeling emotionally can be a healing process in itself, but the fact that (as the writer of the blog states) the cancer is perched on his shoulder is something none of us will ever be free from.

JRyan

Wow, Kate33, that is it. I think explains so much about how we feel. It is so hard internally and even more so because everyone expects us to be happy and joyful that we are 'done'. We aren't done, but each day, i think we can move closer to that feeling (i hope).

jwilco

"Cancer feels bleaker than other diseases. Even though my health keeps improving, and there’s a good chance that I’m cancer free, I still feel stalked, as if the cancer were perched on my shoulder like some unrepentant imp."

Golden01

Kate, Amazing post from the NYT blog. I plan to share with three people at work who have all experienced cancer in the past couple of years. The words confirm what we have all experienced. Sharon

clickhere4dawn

I am so glad to hear others can't find the motivation to exercise.  I wonder if it's because we feel betrayed by our bodies.  I wonder for me it's because I am afraid to injury or damage something (7 surgeries in 12 months, my bi-lateral surgery was 7.5 hours alone) then I had to have my gall bladder out, then nipple reconstruction.  I also got an infection and had to have my expander removed and 12 weeks of IV antibiotics.

When my husband first dropped the bomb on me that he found some one else and wanted a divorce I prayed for God to put my pain and anger into my ellipitcal workout.  Then I had the nipple reconstruction and I was benched and then moved and my elliptical is in storage.  I tell myself - go for a walk and I don't.  I am also looking for a job and feel I fight depression every day.  I just feel tired all the time.  I was tired all the time before when I had cancer and I worry is it back?  Having the BRCA2 gene it looms over my head every day. 

At least we have this site to let us know we are not alone and not crazy because we are depressed.

So I really wasn't very much encouragement.  Sorry.

Dawn

JRyan

No reason to be sorry Dawn. That's part of what makes this place so great. We can be free to say what we feel without judgment. When you are down, maybe someone else can lift you up! And next time someone else is down, you can pay it forward.

You have been through a lot. Your body and mind will continue to heal. Don't beat yourself up. Try taking a step tomorrow and maybe Tuesday it can be 2 Good luck on the job hunt.

otter

Confession: it *is* more than just the SE's of an aromatase inhibitor. It must be.  Kate, that's a poignant essay. Thanks for posting it.

otter

wenweb

otter  Initially, I too thought my sadness, depression, and anger were from the AI.  I haven't been on anything for nearly 10 months.  I can say now with assurity that it's the whole ball of wax.  It's all of the things in my life that bugged me and THEN I got cancer.  No point in holding it all in any longer...

Layla2525

thkfulforlife, I can totally relate. The holidays are really hard. First it was the loss of my aunt and uncle who used to come for holidays. Then my parents passed. Then my son went off to live his life and work and go to univ. I feel like I lost my son,I lost my boobs. I feel unhuman some of the time. Like a nipple less Barbie but questioning if I am still human. I feel like crying and the holidays are really hard. My significant other is here but he is totally disinterested in me and all he talks about are his issues. Dunno if he is self absorbed or if he is hoping to distract me from my own issues.

Just when you try to recover from all the surgs and cancer treatment, something else happens. I thought life couldnt get much worse. I then started trying to talk myself into accepting it all and then I started getting capsular contracture. I ran out of the meds the PS gave me for it. The pharm was out and sent me across town to another pharm to get it. When I backed out to go home,some idiot didnt look back before they backed out and wham right into me. I ended up going to the ER with cervical sprains and now back pain! No sex,no nips and back pain. I need to look at the positives and not the negatives right? I am trying here but have been crying off & on all day so dont think you are alone. I sometimes get in my recliner and put the electric throw on myself and get all comfy and sip a half cup of red wine. Then I try to pray and be positive. It helps to look on here and see other ladies understand and are going thru a lot of the same s&*&*&t!   Guess we gotta encourage one another, get therapy, and get a lot tougher than we are now.