Need help with another touchy situation

cookiegal

I have a friend I have known about 5 years.

His cancer (not breast) is getting very advanced, and I visited him yesterday.

He has been treated through an onc's practice, not a cancer center. I have heard through friends he has about 2 months left.

He is in a LOT of discomfort, his pain meds make him ill, so he is not taking them, and he is afraid if he goes in the hospital he won't come back. He is also not able to eat anything, he is getting by on Gatorade.

I feel like since he is just being treated by an onc, not in a cancer center, nobody is referring him to palliative care or even hospice. He feels like all his doctor will do is telling him to keep taking the morphine.

I feel really awkward bringing up hospice/ palliative care with him, but it makes me ANGRY to see him suffering like this with the emergency room the only alternative. NYC has one of the highest rates in the country of cancer patients dying in the hospital, something he does not want.

I really believe hospice could help with his QOL a lot, but I feel super awkward about bringing it up since we are more social friends than super close friends.

Do I just bite the bullet? Do I just mention palliative not hospice? His mom was there when I visited so we really could not speak so frankly.

Maybe I just keep my big schnoz out of his business, but I am really struggling with what the right thing to do is.

sewingnut

Maybe you can give him the information for palliative care. Explain that there are things that can be done to make him more comfortable. He has made it clear he doesn't want to go to the hospital. This way he can get the help he needs and stay in his home. I say bite the bullet, all he can say is no thanks.... 

cookiegal

Thanks for the input sewingnut.. the timing of the storm isn't helping either!

sewingnut

Stay safe in this storm, cookiegal. We are getting lots of rain from the bands with high winds tomorrow. You said your friend is getting by on Gatorade. Perhaps he could get down some Ensure or some other liquid higher in protein.

BikerLee

Do it do it do it do it!!!!

If you were the one gritting it out and afraid of going into the hospital, would you want your friend to bite the bullet and talk to you about that?

I can honestly say that I would want my friend to talk to me about that.

Maybe start off with asking him what options does he have available?

Maybe he already has thought about this? If not....

Then, say, I have an idea... Are you interested?

And accept his answer....

It's not easy... But it's good he has a friend who might be able to talk to him about those things....

Good luck....

Lee

cookiegal

He hates the Ensure. I suggested maybe Carnation instant breakfast? He has a friend who is an MD and lives out of town, I sent him a note on facebook. I told him what I was thinking, and that I would leave it up to him to decide how to bring it up.

craftybiatchy

There are some really good, very palatable shakes ie. VEGA which are relatively cheap and versatile. They are usually available on Amazon.



Take care and stay safe. Thinking about you all on that side of the country. Makes our 7.7 eq look like a tea party.

cookiegal

Bikerlee you are right.

He is just different about this stuff, we went through treatment at the same time, finished almost the same day, actually I think it was the same day. 

I am chatty about cancer, he likes to talk about anything but. Again we are more social friends than "besties". When he talks about his illness to me, he mentions how much he hates it.

He is a great guy tho, before he was so sick he was always the one I wanted to fix up single friends with.

I am hoping his good friend can get things moving after the storm.

mw900

Cookiegal,

You may be able to get him to open up a little by making the talk more about you rather than him, asking him for advice on what you should do if and when you are at the same stage as he is. It may be a less intimate way of getting to the topic such as "I've thought I would want to look into hospice because they seem to have really good ways to manage pain. Have you looked into that option?"

I hope you're safe from the storm. Good luck to you.

Cindy-Rose

Cookiegal,

If you can get him to have enough of a conversation about hospice and maybe have someone from hospice come to help explain it to him (you don't need a referral from any Dr)then he would be able to hear from them that their goal is to give people the correct care for them that helps to take care of any of the patients issues with the intent of helping to prolong his life with as much comfort as he needs or wants. It can be misunderstood as a place where people go to die and that's not their goal. They have ways to control symptoms(whatever the patient wants to have or not have) that can make the end of life issues easier to get through as well as giving people more life to live and with less pain and other issues. It can be frightening to hear the word hospice but if he agrees to just have one of the intake nurses come to him and just tell him what's available, he can say what he wants for his care. The patients are always in the drivers seat and they don't push any treatment that isn't wanted by the patient. It might be worth a try. Good luck to you and your friend with finding the treatment that he is comfortable. He deserves to have the best care possible.

All my love, cin

cookiegal

Cin, thank you. I put a but in the ear of one of his closest friends, I am hoping that gets things going.

Cindy-Rose

Cookie,

Good for you! I hope he speaks to someone about what they can offer him.

All my love you you and your friend,cin

cookiegal

he passed away today...I guess I wasn't being premature.

I actually think he might have lived a bit longer and had better qol if he had gotten hospice, but he was still pursuing treatment as was his perogative.

Sigh. Glad his suffering is over. It's ironic that he outlived my other friend who recently decided to stop treatment, she at least had a few weeks of a bounce, feeling better than expected, and getting to go on a trip. 

NYC has the highest rate of cancer patient deaths in hospital.

Leah_S

Cookiegal, my condolences on the loss of your friend.

Leah

cookiegal

Thanks Leah.

Cindy-Rose

I'm so sorry to hear that you've lost your friend. The only good part of this is that he won't hurt ever again...but that doesn't make it any easier to lose a friend. You did everything you could to ease his suffering but in the end it was his choice. I only wish that he could have passed away without so much pain. I'm so sorry for your loss.

All my love,

cin

cookiegal

Thank you Cindy-Rose...