Starting chemo November 2012

Sickofpink

Oh michelle, what a noisy neighbor at work? Maybe she wants to take an interest but ... No comment! My old boss emailed for my # but i dont want to talk at someone else's convenience and dont want to be reminded at all! Just say shut the f--or um something nicer? Ugh



Elemi im with you ...Very weak still, short walk then fainted getting out of bath, legs dead, brain foggy, long nap... Cant read...Best part is Ignoring superbowl tho!

Xo

Eleni

Loafer, thank you, thank you, thank you. Sometimes we need someone else to tell us the obvious. You told me to talk to the doctor about the neuropathy. So this morning when I went for the blood test, I told the nurse about my symptoms. She discussed it with the doc and they decided to give me half portion of taxotere.

They decided that the hand nerves are more imortant here and now. We'll see what we're going to do with the next chemo. They talk about giving me FEC but that I'll refuse. Fec affects the heart, my body can have up to 9 FECs before the heart collapes. I've already had 6. That's enough.

Thank you once again.

Eleni

Michelle, I don't bother anymore with ignorant people. Friends and acquaintances who don't have a clue, I don't try to enlighten them anymore. I don't have the energy to explain these things. Especially to the ones I had already explained the previous time. The teacher in me kicks in :-)

Eleni

I'm tired, have slept only 2,5 hours last night. I only hope that haldf portion of taxotere will mean half the SE. I can hope, can't I? :-)

5LuvBugs

Hello all my chemo friends - after a week of not posting, I'm here and it's nice to know I was missed - thanks Paula and sickofpink, I missed all of you too and have been checking in but didn't post because I had nothing to report but now I do.  I see that many of you are still having so many chemo issues (and Junebug with rotten boss issues to boot- she needs a good kick in the ass!) but I want to give you all some encouragement - (especially you Michelle, because I know you are really down)  Things WILL GET BETTER!!!!

As you may remember, I had my final chemo on Jan 15 and felt as rotten as the rest of you but for the last few days I feel like my good old self, no issues (well still have runny nose and cough sometimes) but the fatique seems to have passed, no more running to the bathroom and I only sleep at night (not all day long)and no more touretts!!.  Another big thing - the sun was shining in my window when I was putting on my makeup and guess what I saw  - new hair sprouting, it's gray but who cares...about an 1/8 of an inch . So I figure it starts to grow after 3 months of chemo - oh tomorrow night I am going to that "look good feel better" class - hope I learn how to put on scarves and come home with some new makeup.. 

OK so chemo is finished and today I started radiation - I had my tatoo's and CAT scan last week and today after they got me all in position I got radiated - didn't take long at all = after that they traced the area with red magic marker (gosh about 1/2 my chest is traced from side ribs to lower boob to center of chest and up across top of boob).  Anyway after they got me all marked up, they took pictures - yep, you just might recognize me on Facebook!!!!   I will go 5 days week x 6.5 weeks, like many of you.  Got the Aloe and the cornstarch ready..

OK girls, I am here will be back here posting but I am trying to get back to some normal daily living you know like cleaning the closets and vacumning the carpet - maybe even some much needed exercise......send me a message anytime, I will always answer - take care. 

Love you girls - Tricia

Loafer

Great post, Luvbugs!



I finished chemo 1/4 with the same cocktail as you and still feel serious aches and pain in legs and arms. Must be true that chemo affects everyone differently. I can't wait to get past this SE.



Glad to hear you are recovering so well!!



I was tattooed and CT scanned twice now. Accelerated rads begins on Wednesday. Bring it on!!!



Gals, hang in there, this too will end. Every day brings you closer to the finish line!!

5LuvBugs

Loafer did you take Claritin with your Neulasta or neupogen - it made a big difference, also take some ibuprofin or tylenol - bone pain sucks but it will go away, I haven't had my blood test in 3 weeks but I think all my numbers are up thats why I feel so "normal"again.. Hope you feel better soon...Are you still traveling with your job>  I give you and all the working girls soooooo much credit = I just loafed around (not loafered around ) for 3 months, getting older does have some benefits - take care of yourself...

Loafer

Thanks Luvbugs! I did the Claritin and nulasta shots for bone pain. I also had follow up blood work, which was fine. This is the muscle pain hanging on. Onc said could take three months for all symptoms to subside. Fingers crossed. I am trying to squeeze another business trip in first week of March - immediately following rads. And finally a family vacation first week of April to celebrate the end!!



See you on the rads board!!

Anonymous

Tricia, its so good to hear from you.



AC 3 kicked my rear end and mopped up the floor with me. Getting #4 this Friday.



My son and one of my sisters came over and cleaned my house today, then this evening a friend and her 5 year old daughter stopped by with several bags of groceries.



I feel like I was visited by angels today.



Blessings

Paula

5LuvBugs

Paula #3 was worse than 4 for me and I wish the same for you, hope you feel better soon, don't forget to take that Claritan before your Neulasta.... Glad your little band of angels showed up, isn't it great to know people care...(even if it's only a phone call)

Loafer, you so deserve that family vacation - make sure it's a good one...

michellej1980

Welcome back Tricia - so glad to see you back!

I'm really struggling at the moment. The tiredness of the last few days is easing off but I'm just so fed up. This evening I wanted to just cry but couldn't. Came to bed but felt so much sadness and couldn't get to sleep. I keep thinking 'DO I actually want to die, because I can't cope with depression?' I feel ungrateful for having the chance to fight this yet wanting to give up. I've suffered with depression for many years, since my lymphoma diagnosis at 16 so don't think I'll ever be over it. I realise the week after chemo is not the best time but I'm so worried what the anti-hormonals are going to do to my already fragile state once I start them. If they cause me such debilitating depression, there's no way I can take them for 5 weeks, never mind years. I know these feelings are 'normal' but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I'm also still bunged up and haven't pooped in at least 5 days. Usually a single stool softener on day 2 or 3 sorts it out but not this time. I have been taking more codeine for bone ache with the hope it makes me drowsy too (it doesn't really), so maybe that's not helping the constipation. 

I've just woken up after what I felt was a good few hours but it's still only 02:15! I've some visitors from work coming at lunch time and I'm not even looking forward to that. I need to get a grip. That's the other thing though, I DREAD going back to work. I don't care about it and can't be bothered with it. I've got a couple of months to go before I plan to go back on reduced hours but it too is going to be a struggle to adjust to after 'lazing' around all this time! :-D

hoping to get back to sleep after my self-pitying rant. Night all.

x

milkyway2

I think its so natural to feel this way. I finished my 4 texotere energy level is zero and courage level is zero too. Had appointment with phsycologist to help me out but i missed that we had really bad weather but at this point we all need help. I really want to hear some kind word from anybody. When i had my ist chemo i told myself ok this would b my last chemo. I ask my self again n again how it all happened again.people plans they have very smooth life worry free offcourse cancer free i cant plan anything.had severe neuropathy onc decided to reduce my chemo

This shall too pass need energy courage

PeggySull

I think feeling this way is natural, too. I saw my onc after the 4th AC and broke down several crying about the side effects and how hard it was to cope. I just needed him to know. Luckily he was very understanding.



Call friends you can trust and cry. It is good for the heart and soul!



Hanging in there with you,

Peggy

keetmom

Hugs Michelle!! I think depression is always made worse by being tired too....and if you are anything like me right now you are really tired! I am finding at times I am SO tired I cant even sleep!

Im fighting a cold...like everyone else out there.....but today we need to take our daughter to meet all her new doctors, if you remember our insurance changed...we decided not to fight it and move her care...where were are moving her was named the #4 childrens care in the States so I know we are in good hands...but Im sure after a long day there I will be really tired!

MichelleV

Hi ladies. I am getting my 6th round of taxol as I am typing this. Halfway through taxol after today. 6 more weeks to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! I have no complaints. This is so much easier than AC. Only side effects only are bone aches and fatigue. Appetite is back and food tastes so good...too good!!



Hope you all have a great day and feeling well.

Michelle

politicomama

I wanted to share some good news.  My husband and I both met with genetics last week.  I already had tested BRCA negative, but we opted to have the BART screening done becuase my mom had bc.  It came back negative as well.  The better news is that my husband is also BCRA negative.  His mom is positive.  Having a ten year old daughter we felt we had to get this done.  Although all of us having bc puts her at higher risk, it is still not as high at if we were BCRA positive.  The best news we have had in some time.

michellej1980

Thanks keetmom. 

So, got rid of constipation - now I'm at the other end of the scale! 

I thought I was getting through the fatigue but I am still whacked. I feel so sorry for my two poor fur babies (cats) as I'm being so impatient with them. They're indoor cats and rely on me for entertainment and cuddles but I just don't have the energy! It's all I can do to feed them and change their litter. Thank god I don't have kids. 

Cngrats on the news politicomama. It must be somewhat of a relief. 

txjunebug

Congrats politicomama!! 

Michelle - I think I'm in the depression boat with you. I cry at anything right now.  Don't feel like the anti-depressant the doctor gave me at the start of this is working.  I have no desire to do anything and no patience with anyone.  I'm tired of the whole work situation, tired of being stuck in the house because I have no energy to go anywhere, sick of being bald, tired of the neuropathy, and wondering with the BRAC 1 status what is next.  They told us about fatigue, depression and some of the other side effects at chemo class but you just never think it will get to the point where you just don't give a crap about anything. 

Eleni

well, not caring about anything has its advantages :-)

Michelle, talk to the therapist. I really treasure my sessions with my psychologist. I need her.

Eleni

Port a cath - I have a question. When do you plan to take it out? I had an appt with my surgeon this afternoon and he proposed to take it out in June. I told him, no way (I want the bloody thing to heal so that I can wear my bikini in the summer :-)

So he changed the date to end of March, one month after I finish with the chemo.

michellej1980

I wish I could cry. It might help but instead it feels like I'm stuck in a moment of Hell with no release or escape. The idea of meeting again with the psychologist makes me feel worse. I don't need to visualise calming waves and be told how to breathe. I just need to get a grip. Strangers making me explain everything to them, thinking they understand when they don't and then discharging me after a set number of sessions to make me start off with someone else all over again is not what I want. 

Despite the anti-fungal pills I've STILL got f***ing thrush. No matter what I take, thrush loves me but I hate it. I slept all day today and had friends come round for a few hours this evening to watch DVDs. I'm in bed now but not sure I will be able to sleep. Sleep is the only relief from this horrid experience. I am seriously wondering whether I can actually do another chemo after all my insistence and determination to accept all 6 cycles.

Anonymous

Michelle~I wish I could fly across the pond and give you a big hug Honey. I'm sorry this is so hard for you, but I get it. I told my DH I wish they could give me a shot so I could sleep through all the SEs. I'm very blessed that I don't have depression. I had it really bad after my 1st AC, but some ladies in my church gathered around me to pray. It lifted and never came back. I can see how it could hang over someone getting chemo though.



Please don't give up on treatment. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! You will come out on the other side much stronger.



LeeA on the Dec. & Jan. chemo threads said something today that really struck me as true. " The only way around the chemo valley is to walk through the chemo valley."



Blessings

Paula

politicomama

Michelle, hugs.  Not sure what else to say.  Just keep on writing here how you feel.  I have a caringbridge page that I write health related updates, and then I keep a blog just for me that I write how I really feel.  Getting it out helps.  

Did anyone here get breast forms?  I think I shared that I did my BMX without reconstruction.  I had done at my local hospital with a surgeon that A. I trusted and has an excellent repuation and B. has been a family friend for a long time.  I just wanted the cancer off, and elected to delay reconstruction.  I'm okay with that decision 95% of time.  Since I need radiation it will be at least December before a PS is willing to operate.  I am a little overwhelmed with the thought of DIEP, and the recovery, but have been told that implants are a no go post rads.   I went for a breast form fitting today, and after the appointment I am not even sure if I want them.  I know that several companies make nice bras.  The lady brings back bras that I am not even sure my 83 year old grandma would wear.  I told her that I was used to molded cup, and underwire, and that I would prefer something that didn't look quite so mature.  She bristled right away and told me "well things are different now, you don't have clevage and that is not the look we are going for."  I about cried.  Does she think I do not know that?  Just because I had my breasts removed does not mean I don't want pretty things to wear.  I get that there is a functional side to these, but I guess I am just disappointed in the whole experience.  After today I almost don't want them.  

Sorry, just venting....

Anonymous

Politico~Did you have your fitting at Hope's Boutique at the Stephanie?

That's where I went. I'm not totally happy with the fitting. I only got 2 because I wanted to be sure. I would try bras on and tell her this feels really good, but she insisted on getting them tighter.



I can barely get them on myself. One of them opens in the front or back, but is still difficult. Next time I will insist on getting what feels good to me.



Blessings

Paula

txjunebug

Had chemo #5 today. Doctor confirmed genetic counselor risk numbers. Have appt with my breast surgeon on 19th to discuss BMX and reconstruction options.

Fatigue seems to already hit with this round.

michellej1980

Fatigue hit me quicker with this one too, txjunebug. I get chemo on Fridays and it's usually Monday where I start to feel it but this time I was whacked by Saturday.



Thought I was picking up by Wednesday but I am completely wiped out and sleep is giving me no relief, except when I am actually asleep. I've not been dressed or out of the house for a whole week which would normally drive me crazy but I just don't have the energy. I'm supposed to be going out for my friend's mum's b'day meal tomorrow but think I might have to give it a miss.



It's weird how much worse this round is. I really don't know if I can do one more.

5LuvBugs

Sounds like you girls are having a rough time this week (with the exception of politico's good news).  Just want you to know I think of all of you every day, even though I am not posting as much. Did I tell you I spotted a few new hairs coming in and that I started radiation this week - had 5 treatments and boob is already getting sore.  Eleni my port is staying in until I am finished radiation - just in case I need it again - hope not...  Michelle I hope you start feeling like yourself again real soon.

Well it's almost 3 am here in NJ and it's snowing lightly - think I better get back to sleep...Night night girls and sweet dreams.

Tricia

txjunebug

 Onc did give me a bit of good news.  If I have the BMX then I don't need radiation.  Still that would mean the BMX (hoping for immediate reconstruction) and the ovary/tube removal surgery.  I was hoping that they could take out the port when they do the BMX. 

BMX is now being discussed and a very likely to happen now that this BRAC 1 genetics thing is involved.  Both doctor and genetics counselor say I have a 60% chance of getting another primary breast cancer without the BMX.  With the BMX, the chances drop down to around 2%.  For those of you wondering, why the BMX was not discussed when I started this journey.  I had 1 small about 1/2 inch size tumor.  No node involvement and we did not know the hormone status until after the lumpectomy was done.  Hormone status is triple negative that along with me being under 50 sparked the genetic testing.  BRAC 1 makes you more likely to get early onset triple negative BC.  With BRAC 1 you also have up to a 45% chance of getting ovarian cancer too. 

Loafer

Hey ladies ~



I am also praying and sending virtual hugs to all of you. Read and post less often now since i've moved on to rads. Sounds like many of you are having a difficult time with SEs and depression. You are all nearing the end of the chemo journey. Every day brings you closer to the end - hang in there - it's well worth the SEs to kill the residual cancer cells. Understand, we are still here to prop you up and hold your hand!!!



Junebug - I have your similar diagnosis and treatment plan. My results from BRCA came back negative, so I have moved on to rads. If my results were positive, I was mentally preparing myself for the BMX too. You will want to make the decision before rads. Difficult decision, but knowledge is power. Good luck!!

txjunebug

Loafer - I have been preparing myself for the BMX.  It has taken DH a little longer to accept the risk factors but after talking to the MO on Friday he agrees that it is for the best.  Can't really agrue with 60% without and 1 to 2% with. 

I have to say knowing that I only have 1 more chemo left has picked up my spirits.  I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Also knowing that I could just have the BMX and not need radiation has helped too.  For some reason, knowing that I had another 5 weeks of radiation and the related fatigue was really wearing on me.