Feeling Guilty

Annie17

I am a teen, just starting university and was diagnosed in the summer. It was over pretty fast, 2 surgeries and I was cured because I found it so early. It was very rare, and not expected for my age at all (40 yr olds usually). This month a close friend was also diagnosed, she is a mother, raising a family..hers is much worse. I am feeling so gulity that mine was over so fast, I feel as though I am not deserving of being so healthy and only having a bit of my breast taken. I do not know if this is normal to feel this way. Has anyone else felt like this and how did you deal. The guilt is becoming stronger every time I think of my friend. I really don't know who to talk to because I don't want to worry my parents. Can anyone help?

itsjustme10

Annie, I'm guessing from your screen name that you're just 17 years old?  The best advice I can give you is that while your parents may worry a little, keeping it from them will cause them more worry - I'm sure they know something is bothering you.

It is normal to feel some survivor's guilt - about all different kinds of things, not just breast cancer, so don't worry that feeling guilty is strange or anything.  It's not.  But, your parents are in the best position to get you some help with that, so you can get past it - whether just opening up to them makes you feel better, or they have to take you to someone to talk to, it's best to tell them.

Obviously your parents were worried during your treatment, right?  That's their job..it's what they do best..worry about their kids, and it doesn't matter how old you get...they will ALWAYS worry about you.  So talk to them - you'll all feel better. 

Blessings2011

Annie17 - Some women will always have a harder time of it than we did. Some will always have an easier time of it than we did.

Part of the maturing process is learning that we all face our battles in different ways.

Some of your friends might look at you and think how unfair it was for you to deal with breast cancer at all at your age, and how brave you have been to have come through it well.

There's nothing fair or right about breast cancer.

Two of my close friends have BC. One had a lumpectomy and radiation several years ago, and had some serious side effects. She readily offers to talk to other women about what they are going through. The other was diagnosed with breast cancer twice - had a lumpectomy and several rounds of chemotherapy and now has no evidence of disease. I had a small, early cancer but chose to have a double mastectomy and reconstruction.

Each of us thinks that the OTHER is the brave one! We minimize what we went through, because the others had it worse than we did. See how easy that is to do? And how useless it is?

The very best thing you can do for "guilt", I think, is to give back. How can you, as a young survivor, help educate other young women about the risks of BC?

How can you help your friend - just because she's your friend, not because she's "worse off" than you - in her day-to-day life?

Finally, these thoughts are hard to sort out by themselves. Yes, you should be able to talk to your parents, but here's another suggestion -

You say you are just starting university. Most universities have a counseling center on campus, where you can go and talk with a counselor about anything that is on your mind.

All the records in the Counseling Center are kept private and separate from your school records. No one- not even your parents - can have access to the things you discuss with your counselor.

This is actually one of the best gifts you can give yourself - the ability to vent and rant and get your throughts out of your head and out in the open - with someone who will not judge  you or criticize you. Your counselor will help you find healthy ways to deal not only with what you are feeling now about your friend, but also with all the feelings you had to deal with during the summer.

You want to be able to focus on school with a clear mind.

Please believe me when I tell you it works - I was a university counselor for 25 years.

Wishing you all the best!!!!

Annie17

Thank you so much both of you. Yes I found the lump when I was just 17, by the time I actually got it removed I had turned 18. I know that my parents know something is bothering me but throughout the whole thing I was the strong one. They cried a lot, everyone did, however I didnt at all, I knew everything would be okay, I trusted in God. I was thinking of going to my councelor but its just so hard to talk to someone face-to-face. I feel so dumb and weak to admit my complex feelings. And I know I should tell my parents but its just so much easyer to let people think I am okay, smile and go on.

itsjustme10

Annie, you'er so young - I know you feel about 1000 years old right now, but you're so young - I'm going to make a suggestion - why not email this thread to your mom or dad, whichever parent would react better.  I've done the "tough chick, nothing bothers me" thing, and believe me, it's not the best in the long run.  This way, they'll know what's bothering you, and can help. 

Your feeling are normal, but you need to talk it out, and it'll be OK.  As you go throughout life, you're going to run into situations that are too big for you to hande without talking about it to someone.  That's all part of being human.  And right now, at your age, the best people to speak to are your parents.  Honestly, these concerns you have, the guilt you have, they'll figure out how to make it manageable.. so, like I said before, if you can't talk about it, email the thread to them, and tell them you don't know how to talk about it.  Just sharing like that will take a lot of the pressure off you, and help you heal quicker.

If you really can't talk with your parents, I suppose the school counselor would be able to give you some help.  But, your feelings really shouldn't be kept from your parents - they do need to know what it is that is bothering you.  It's harder on them to know something's wrong, but not what it is, than to know what it is.  Honest.

Please keep us updated.

evergreen9

As a parent, I worry even more if one of my daughters does not open up. I prefer to hear the bad stuff, rather than imagine the worst. And certainly they would be supportive of you in your "guilt". I have sat beside young girls such as yourself in chemo, and I feel guilty for being sad for myself, when I see them going thru this. Your "guilt" is a sign that you have empathy for others, something your parents would be proud of. Being open about your feelings is healthy. So one day very soon, give your mom a hug, and start,"Mom, I have been feeling guilty lately about something, can you help me understand this...?"

thefuzzylemon

First...wow...17....girl, you've been through a lot. But, remember, although you and Your friend have different journeys, you are both survivors. Your friend would not want you to harbor this guilt...just as you would feel the same for her. You understand feelings that you shouldn't have to...but you and your friend are truly sisters because of it.

Have you thought about talking to your friend? Maybe ask her if Its ok to discuss it because you feel so bad? Did you pray up?

As a parent of two daughters, I would hope they would come to me with any concerns. Mamas want their babies to trust them, need them and for them to be happy. You have a lot of love surrounding you...let them help you sweetie.

clickhere4dawn

Annie - I recently spoke to my mum (70 years old) just his past week about this.  There is always some one out there - whose journey is far worst then our own.  We don't understand why and often feel we are not worthy of the easier journey.

Think of it in another way - if you severly cut your arm.  It required stitches and is causing you severe pain.  Then you see the person next to you and they have cut their arm so severly they have lost their arm.  Their journey (injury) is far worse then yours.  So ask yourself does it lessen the pain you are feeling?  Does your arm still ache?  - You still have pain, you still hurt and you empathize with the other person.  Just because their situation, cancer, injury or journey is worse then yours doesn't lessen yours.  You still have gone through pain, cancer. 

Please don't feel guilty.  You can be a source of support for the other as you know a portion of her journey.  Perhaps your journey was less, so you could be healthy to help her?  We don't always know God's plan.  I pray for his guidance and strength to place me on the path he has intended for me and make me into the woman he wants me to become.

My mum told me - she felt guilty because my pain was so severe.  She wanted to take my pain.  As a mother myself, I could see myself feel guilty and want to also relieve my children from their pain.  Perhaps your parents feel the same.  What a gift it would be for all - if you were to talk about this and you could relieve their and your guilt.  It's not easy and sometimes scary but think of it this way - you only have to be brave for 5 minutes.  In 5 minutes of bravery you could heal your hearts.

Your parents love you, your friend loves you, as you love her.  Love yourself, know that your soul isn't ready to go and there is a greater purpose for you in this world.

Take care little one!

Dawn

Joanne_53

Annie17,

I just posted another thread along the same idea. I know how lucky I am in many ways and yes I know I had breast cancer and yes I went through surgery and treatment but there are many days I feel so guilty for being so lucky. I cannot explain this and that is why I started the thread to see if others felt like me.

You are so young and have been through so much. ((Hugs))

Joanne