Why does the mom often die in childrens' stories and movies?

jenlee

I'm so tired of all of the movies and books where the mother dies.  Some of them glamorize the situation where an amazing nanny shows up.  Some nannies (or teachers or neighbors) are so amazing that the father marries them.  Apparently my daughter thinks that this would be the easy solution if anything ever happened to me.

My daughter and I have always been extraordinarily close.  A lot of other moms that we know are always saying they're envious of our close relationship and how affectionate my daughter is with me and that as their kids get older, they want less to do with them.

When my daughter was in Kindergarten, a classmate's mother died after a long battle with breast cancer.  I remember asking her if it made her worry that I might die someday and she said that dad would just have to hire a nanny.  Fast forward  to third grade, today we went to the birthday party of this little girl.  (In the meantime I've been diagnosed with and dealing with breast cancer treatment for the past year.)  On the way home, my daughter asked me how her friend's mother had died. I told her, and said that's one reason I was so motivated to fight breast cancer, because I didn't want her growing up without a mommy.  She piped up that they would have probably would have "gotten" a step-mother.  When we got home later, I did mention to her that her comment had made me sad.  We are very close, so when she says these things, they're sort of shocking.  I ended up getting very grumpy and telling her that not all step-mothers are nice and fun, like in the Sound of Music.  Some are wicked, like Cinderella's.  My daughter ended up being very remorseful and there were a lot of tears tonight.  I don't want her to be sorry, seems like she was just being honest...   I'm just having a hard time with this -- my daughter was my entire reason for sucking it up during chemo, etc.  God, please give me the strength to keep my chin up and behave like an adult tomorrow!

ugh, feeling so negative. just opened up the Halloween candy and am going to town

exbrnxgrl

Jen,

This disease does a number on our minds and emotions, not just our bodies. Your daughter is young and just expressing herself in the uninhibited way kids often do, it is not a reflection of her feelings toward you. I don't know how much you've told your daughter about your bc, but there are children's books on the subject and the American Cancer Society has some good info on talking to children on the subject. Yes, she was being honest so as hard as it may have been to hear her make that comment, stay away from references to evil stepmothers. You don't want to make her feel guilty about your disease. Kids have a funny way of blaming themselves and you don't want her to carry that burden. Enjoy the Halloween candy, try to get some sleep and start fresh tomorrow.

Caryn, mother of 2 daughters, 1st grade teacher.

PS: movies are fiction, our children need to learn to distinguish that from reality.

dlb823

Jen... first, pat yourself on the back for raising such a well-adjusted child!  You should actually (IMO) be proud of that streak of self assurance she's displaying -- thinking that she'll always be okay, no matter what happens in her life.  She sounds like a very strong little girl.

Then, I'd opt for ditching or at least hiding the Halloween candy.  You'll feel worse tomorrow than you do today if you keep loading up on sugar.  

We all have a lot of surpressed anger that needs to come out, and unfortunately, it doesn't always come out in a pretty way.  I think Caryn gave you some excellent advice, and you also have the psychologist resources @ UCLA, who I'm sure would welcome a call if you're still upset or concerned about her and need to run what happened by that kind of counseler.  Unfortunately, we and our kids are always going to be super attuned to these things now (i.e. movies where the Mom dies), so it might be good to talk about your feelings with a psychologist and pick up a coping strategy or two for both of you.       (((Hugs)))  Deanna

susan3

it's not always a hallmark moment hope you enjoyed the candy. i have had MANY non-hallmark moments over the last 11 years, oh well, that's life, and that's real. enjoy your daughter, enjoy life, and don't beat yourself up. my daughter was 10 when i was diagnosed and is now 21. we have always had what i call "open floor" time. if i think i was inappropriate i would call "open floor" time. she could tell me exactly what she thought of my actions. we started actually before i had bc, wanted to be able to talk freely about stuff, but not be disrespectful. i remember the first time, she told me she couldn't tell me what she really thought cause i would ground her for life..lol well i didn't ground her for life, but oh boy, it is really hard when they can get you to look into the mirror. hang in there