somethings got to give!!

jmemama

Hi. I was dx with BC (DCIS) on July 19th, 2012 and had a BMX on Aug 31, 2012. I am 37 years old and have a 3 year old daughter and 7 y/o son. I am a stay at home mom and my husband works tons of overtime as a mail carrier for the USPS.

Prior to my BC dx, my stress levels were through the roof so let me rewind a bit so I can explain. My DH and I have been married for 9 years and have had ongoing/unresolved marital issues since our first child was born about one year after we married. My son was very very sick for his entire first year of life, and I dealt with it all alone because my husband chose to be absent; emotionally, physically, and in the case of our son, he was zero help. He totally withdrew, did things only for himself and noone else. He even went out drinking one night with his buddies and ended up with a DUI and almost lost his job. I don't think I ever got over that one. He doesn't do that anymore, thankfully. Around age 1, my son was diagnosed with severe food allergies to a very very long list of common foods. This was a MASSIVE upheaval for our family and only added to the stress I was already under. We soon learned that his allergies were so severe, that we had to carry emergency medications with us at all times, and constantly feared for his life. Because of his dx, I could not return to work and no daycare would accept him, nor was I willing to put him in someone elses care, for fear he would have an allergic reaction and die. Since this all went down, our lives were completely turned upside down. Fast forward a few years, and we finally settled into our new normal. After a number of individual and marriage counseling sessions, my husband and I were finally able to come to terms with our problems and work on our marriage. Things had started to get better with us, but there continued to be constant stress and anxiety in the case of our son. I got pregnant with our daughter (who is now three) and things took a nosedive again. Our sons allergies got even worse, he was attending public school and we finally had to pull him out of school b/c of their negligence to his heath issues (long story, but we had all legal and health papers in place and the school was trained on everything, but they constantly put him in danger and he subsuquently was having allergic reactions at school on a weekly basis, some which required emergency medical attention)I had never been more worried and stressed out in my entire life. Once we pulled him out of school, we had no choice but to homeschool him. (can't afford private school) Homeschooling my kids adds a whole new layer of stress to my life on top of everything that had happened. I honestly hated my life and even though I was glad that homeschooling was an option, I was relieved that he was safe at home with me, but I was still MISERABLE. Depressed, anxious, and stressed beyond my breaking point. I LOVE and ADORE my kids, I try so hard to be the best mom I can possibly be, but I HATED my life. I went through each day, trying to put a smile on my face and muddle through, hoping and praying things would get better.

We finished out my sons first grade year at home, and I spent the first few weeks of summer researching homeschool curriculum for my sons second grade year. I had high hopes and I was starting to think that this could be really good for us. I was trying to be optimistic and embrace this new way of life.

Then, the unthinkable happened. I was dx with BC (DCIS). I am now 4 weeks post surgery with reconstruction underway. My mind is telling me I should be thankful I don't have to have chemo or rads, I should be thankful I was stage 0, I should be thankful that I caught it early. And yes, I am thankful. But I still had BC. I know it has only been 4 weeks, but I am a complete wreck. I am experiencing PTSD, anxiety, and depression and levels I never thought were possible. I cry every day and I am miserable. I just don't know how I can go on. There were so many unresolved issues in my life before this happened, and now this!!! 

I keep telling myself, "somethings got to give". But what?!

Our marriage issues were already so bad that were have not even been sleeping in the same bed for over 2 years. I have tried so hard to fix things, but I get nowhere. Constant dead ends, and no effort from the husband, except he tells me he loves me every day, and thanks me for dinner. That's pretty much it. We are totally disconnected.

I can't fix my son. His issues are chronic, stressful, and ongoing. No end in sight here, and will be a constant source of stress and anxiety for us. So now, we homeschool. A blessing and a curse.

My 3 year old is has alot of energy and is thankfully healthy, but very very very busy and needs constant attention and redirection. 

I thought about daycare for my 3 year old so we can homeschool w/o constant interruptions (STRESSFUL!!!) but the only options around here are private daycare, which we can't afford. 

Then, of course I have all my other regular responsibilities with my home, you know, the normal stuff that you never get caught up on and it keeps piling up. Plus, with food allergies, I have to cook every single meal from scratch. No convenience of box/canned meals for us. Not an option. 

Husband works 6 days/week from 6:30-5.

I get ZERO breaks. I never get to "clock out" from my job..ever.

And now...Breast Cancer. I don't understand why life has been so hard for us, and I don't think I ever will. I never in a million years dreamed that things could get any worse for us, but Breast Cancer?! Seriously?!?! 

So, here I am, with all the prior stuff already on my plate, and now this. I just feel so helpless, so hopeless, like I am in the bottom of a huge black hole with no way out. 

There are three things that bring joy to my life right now.

My kids, my friends, and my family (mom and sister). They are my light in all of this darkness. 

It seems so impossible to me right now that my life will ever be happy, or normal, or any of those things that we all dream of having. 

I apologize for the length of this message, but I felt it was necessary to include my background to get the full picture, so if you have read this far, THANK YOU. 

If you have any words of advice to offer me, please do. If you don't, that's fine, too. It actually felt good to write all this out, so thanks for listening. And thank you for being my sounding board. I'm so glad to have support here.

 

marywh

I wish I had great words of wisdom for you -unfortunately I can only offer  big cyber hugs and prayers for you.

New-girl

It is a hard journey with some having more battles than others.  I don't know why you got cancer on top of all the other struggles you have in your life.  I do know that this site has allowed me a place to vent and at times scream without being judged.  I know that I have found encouragement to get out of bed somedays and just try to keep going.  I have started to find joy again.  I still have stress but having this place to unload just helps.  Hoping for a better tomorrow for you.

thefuzzylemon

Hello. And...WHOA! That's a full plate to be sure. What I kept focusing on was "time for you". That seems to be key to some piece of happiness. Is it possible you love those babies Soooo much that you are completely neglecting you...and your husband? Here's my thoughts:

1. Date night. Its worth a shot, right?

2. Babysitter - not during ANY meal time. Maybe an hour or two for you to just be alone for a bit.

3. Schedule out your day. That housework can wait...for real. No one needs to be under the stress you are facing....especially now.

4. Put all of your energy into things that do make you feel satisfied. Even if you only do that for a half hour...

Its all up to you. Just take one step at a time. Please know, I'm in pretty serious counseling myself and I am not finding this easy by any means.

((((Hugs))))

melmcbee

Hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel. I have raised my daughter and (troublesome) stepson and they are 24 and 25 now. I thought my husband and I could finally have a life together that wasnt run by our children then we ended up adopting our 2 yr old grand daughter and had to restructure our home and work life for her. 6 months later I was dx with breast cancer and have had bmx then had to go back a month later for a port placement and axillary dissection. I am now on chemo every 3 weeks with its normal side effects. Ive gone from long blond hair to short hair to a buzz cut and now im completely bald. She went to daycare and told them her meme was dying. Not sure where she heard that. She is acting out at daycare every so often. I went back to work a couple of weeks ago and Im so fatigued all the time that I cant get my house stuff done. My answer to you is zoloft, lol. It works for me. It has kept me sane and helped with my depression. Go to your doctor and tell him how you feel and he will prescribe some kind of anti-depressant for you. Also check in to church daycares and see if they have any programs of assistance for your 3 yr old.  In florida the age is 3 when they go to pre-k funded by the state. Get your sister or mom to keep the kids one weekend and you and your husband just get away. Or get your sister or mom to keep the kids and you get away.  Or use that time to pamper yourself. There was a thread on here that mentioned a housecleanig group that cleaned your house for free if you had cancer. Use the search engine and see if you can find the name of rhar group and see if they are close to you. Make sure you are taking care of yourself...... vitamins, eating healthy, getting plenty of sleep.  ZOLOFT..... Again I cant say enough about getting on the right anti-depressant to help. Hugs to you.

karen333

I just came upon your posting, I usually do not visit the active topics, and felt I had to answer you.  The first blessing that has come your way is finding bc.org.  I did not find it until after my rads had been completed, I felt I was sinking into a huge dark hole and did not know how I would ever claw my way out.  My daughter went online to find a support group for me to communicate with. that was my introduction to bc.org.  I spent my first year on-line learning, reading and trying to find where I might belong.  I found a thread that covered my geographic area, and met 7 of the bravest, kindest, empathethic women I know.  They were and are a lifeline for me, it has been 2 years of posting, PMing and meeting these women once a month for lunch.  We hug and embrace and shore each other up, we do happy dances when one of us has a good mammo or test, we hold our breath together when times are anxious.  Some of us see Mental Health professionals, some of us are on meds, we held ourselves together when we lost the heart of our group last year.  I now post on two favorite threads, am on-line occasionally and have formed significant relationships with two wonderful friends who I have never met that I feel a kinship with.  When I was hospitalized with a breast infection that spread throughout my system, these were the women who held me in their thoughts and prayers.  I met a wonderful new friend who was my roommate in the hospital.  There is a way out of the hole, I have found friendships that I never would have found before bc, keep posting, keep looking, you will find your place, if you come across a post that speaks to you, reach out and someone will grab your hand, you will never be alone again.  Karen