The doctors put me back together, but I'm still falling apart!

Faye33

I'm over 2 1/2 years out from my diagnosis of bilateral breast cancer.  I've had mastectomies, chemo and reconstruction.  Physically, I have recovered, emotionally, not so much.

I feel like I have changed.  I have a very hard time relating with people.  I've always felt awkward in social situations, but now I literally feel like I'm from another planet.  I go to social gatherings and listen to other women talk about how "this color of stitching on this color of pants looks so bad" and "this color and that color are so five years ago" and "how could she put that color of highlights in her hair... that was in, but 10 years ago".  And all I can think, is really?  How shallow can we be?  That stuff does not matter to me one bit anymore.  I realize relationships start with commonalities and I'm having a really hard time making new friends (we have moved since my treatment) because I have very little in common with most people right now.  I'm processing how to face the reality that cancer will always be in my rear view mirror.  They are facing the reality that they need to be up on fashion and movies and actors/actresses.  Totally different worlds.

My husband and I (married 14 years) disagree more often now.  We've had three disagreements in the last two weeks, where previously we'd have three in a year.  They all circle around the fact I feel he is being selfish.  Our world (and our four kids) have revolved around him and his desires and I want him aware that I am not ok with that.  I really want him to start considering his family's desires before his desires (or even on the same plane as his desires) and I'm done watching him put his kids and me on the back burner, so I've started saying things and then he gets mad.  I know he hasn't changed... I have.  He spends hours in front of the computer ignoring me and the kids, I said it makes me feel ignored and is extreme, he tells me to deal with it because that is who he always has been.  I want to have an evening home with my family on my birthday, he wants to have company over.  I tell him my desires and yet he still invites company over (at least he apologized for this one).  I ask him about making plans with the kids (ages 3-12) for Halloween and he just states that we can do what we want but he already has his plans.  I asked him if he was going to choose his family or what he wanted and he point blank said he was choosing what he wanted.  I'm letting my voice be heard that I don't like his attitude and it's making conflict in our home because I'm not being silent about it anymore.  I know I can't change him, but I've decided I can't be silent anymore either.  If he changes I want it to be because he truly believes his priorities have been messed up.  I don't want him to change because his wife tells him to.  He did tell me he has been thinking about his priorities more lately, so maybe that is a good thing.

Then I have a friend call me yesterday and started fishing for affirmation that she was a good friend through my cancer treatment.  She was a good friend, not perfect, but she was probably my most consistent friend through the whole process.  She goes on to tell me how upset she has been lately thinking about me and how she felt she let me down and now she's wondering if I even want to be her friend anymore.  Basically, she was calling me to have me reassure her that she was a good friend through this and I still want her as a friend.  Why is it my place to make everyone feel better about my situation?  I will say she is the only person I've told I've been having health issues and the doctors are considering taking scans for cancer if they don't resolve soon.  She has yet to ask how I've been feeling since I've mentioned this (over a month ago), yet she said in our conversation yesterday she needs me to call and affirm our friendship more.  She (and everyone else I know) doesn't understand how much my reality has changed since cancer.  I'm supposed to just go one like it hasn't changed me and my life.  I don't know how to do that!

Then I'm part of a book study that has mentioned facing the reality that today may be our last day on earth.  My cancer ordeal has helped me really appreciate the blessing each day is, but it has made me very intolerant of fickle insignificant things.  The people in this book study were venting about their house not being clean enough or decorated good enough or having the right and enough foods prepared for company.  I feel like I'm wading in the kiddie pool, but I'm actually ready for the diving board, if you know what I mean.  I love the people in the wading people, but I don't belong there.  I don't know where I belong and that is my biggest issue.

Why does the world look so different now?  I have greater concern for the poor and hurting people, but the normal people who's world are hunky dory drive me nuts.  How can I move past this and be a compassionate person towards everyone?  I really wish I could just go back to when fashion, decorating, and entertaining guests were my biggest concerns.  But I can't.  Instead, my biggest concerns are loving my children the best each day I can and doing my best to love and help those in need, focusing on processing this cancer journey, and finding how I can make a difference in the world.  Alll while I'm trying to live in a world I feel I don't belong.  I feel like I'm being reborn into a different person, but everything around me is the same and we're clashing.

Sorry for emotionally vomitting.  I needed to get this out.  Hopefully someone understands alittle of what I'm feeling. 

markat

I can relate! I think everything you are feeling is normal…at least to me. I'm still under a year in to this and still getting herceptin, so I'm still in the treatment phase but I don't see my outlook changing much.



Do you think you are depressed at all? Like an antidepressant might help you a little? I'm 31 and have 2 girls 7 & 8, and I need my antidepressant to get through this. It's really a life changing event for everyone in the family. Some people seem to put it behind them better than others. Just enjoy everyday however you want! I wish you the best!

Jomama2

I hear you, and I think I understand.  A diagnosis of cancer changes everything.  I feel for you and all you are dealing with.  I hope you get better input here than I can give...just wanted to let you know that many, if not all, the kind ladies in the community can understand your pain.  Is there any way to reach out to support groups in your area?  I don't know if you have the time or energy, but there are many opportunities to volunteer and make a difference in the lives of those around you.  As for your husband, I left mine after 14 years because of the attitude you have described (among other things).  It made him a better, more engaged father.  Take care of yourself!!  Joan

CJRT

Faye- I understand, too. I have a doctorate in psychology and have worked as a therapist; yet, nothing prepared me for what going through something like this can do to you emotionally. I have my good and bad days. Being able to discuss it with someone on the "outside" might help, too. When we try to share our feelings with friends or family, no matter how well-intentioned, there is always the tendency to try to make us feel better or limited patience for hearing the same thing over and over. Finding a way to make sense of what we have been through and move forward is so incredibly challenging. I hear over and over that it does get easier and that we often are too hard on ourselves. Know that there are others who truly understand and that this is often a safe and helpful place to vent...

Markat- If you don't mind sharing, what antidepressant are you on? I see you are taking Tamoxifen and know that the options become more limited. Do you find that it helps with anxiety also?

edwards750

Faye - isnt it ironic that Mom has to be any and everything to the family - kids and spouse but when it is her turn...she has to do that for herself at least in some cases. My husband is very supportive but it would be nice if he would ask every now and then how I am doing. He is the quiet type and I am the polar opposite so opposites do really attract sometimes. Still a little TLC would be nice. Our youngest son who is still at home and a senior in college pretty much takes his lead from his father. He is a sweetheart and has a big heart but I think they thought since I had the lumpectomy and 33 rads treatments I am cured. Wish that were true. I dont expect them to fawn all over me but when they are sick they is exactly what they expect. I know I am blessed when I read about others husbands so I guess I shouldnt whine but I think we all need support other than just accompanying us to the doctor. I totally agree life as we all knew it has changed drastically. Things that used to bother me dont faze me at all now. Material things arent as important either. We are all branded with this disease; an unlucky draw. You are focusing on your children and that is a good thing. I cherish the time with my son too. A lot of his friends are living in apts and I know there are times he wishes he could too but he cant afford it right now. Sooner or later, sooner def, he will move out on his own so all my complaining about his late night hours will be a thing of the past. You need to do that same with your children. They dont stay little that long. Sometimes I really miss those times when the biggest problem he had was what costume to wear for Halloween. We have grandchildren too and while we love them too our children are just that...our children. I am sorry your husband is being so aloof; I would just do what I had to do w/o him. Sad but do what is best for you.

markat

CJRT- I'm on Pristiq. My MO ok'd it and we are monitoring my liver. Efexor (sp?) is the usual recommendations with Tamoxifen, but I had already been taking Pristiq before and they are almost identical. I think it does help a little with my anxiety. In the beginning I needed Ativan, but I probably haven't taken one in a few months. Hope that helps!

DeborahC

I think we all can empathize with your feelings. I have had cancer on and off for 20 years.  What I know is that people don't want to always talk to you about it.  They don't know what you need to hear from them and often feel like they can never say the right thing. I also can't let it consume me or I would have wasted a lot of good times.  At this point I do just go on with things like fashion and dirty houses and don't think about the cancer all that much (and I am still in the middle of reconstruction).  I just have fun with my friends and neighbors and I know if I really need them, all I have to do is ask. 

I have found it helpful to chat with other cancer patients/survivors.  Then you can discuss all your cancer related frustrations.  

CJRT

Thanks, Markat!

etherize

I went through that when I was diagnosed with HIV/AIDS back in 1995.  During the course of the following year, my husband and I got very close to divorcing.  I changed so much -- like you, I felt like everybody else was in the kiddie pool and I was diving from the highest diving board.  I wanted my husband to change, too.  He's basically a wonderful guy, but there were things I wasn't happy with ... but he refused to change.  It just felt like there was a chasm between us.  We had to sell our house before we could do anything, and eventually during the course of that time, we decided to stay together.

I hope your husband is considering changing his priorities.  If he doesn't change, I guess you'll have to decide how much you can tolerate.  It's definitely a challenging time, and I feel for you.

It took a long time after my diagnosis for me to finally feel I was part of the everyday world again.  And then I got breast cancer.  

GreenMonkey

Hi Faye, 

I'm here. I'm high (had my 5th surgery in less than 7 months on Monday). Even if I wasn't high, I get it. I write about it all the time. Let's pass the bucket, so to speak. I hate the way I sound sometimes but that vile crap is in me and I must get it out.

I love the title of your post.

I want to slap people when they complain about the ridiculous but then i remind myself that they're not as EVOLVED as we are. We're here to learn and grow and they're new souls who are clueless.  

The first thing I wanted to do after I was diagnosed was divorce my husband. I've calmed down since then but there are still times when I want to punish him for not reacting correctly, or saying the right things...

Last night I was mad at him for forgetting that the season premier of The Office was on.

Anyway...You keep putting it out there and I'll keep reading it. And it will make us feel better. 

big smile and hug to you!!! xoMOnkeyME 

My cancer rants are here:

http://greenmonkeytales.blogspot.com/p/catstir.html

AmyIsStrong

Let me tell you something funny that happened pretty soon after i was done treatment.  i went to an overnight conference and shared a hotel room with a colleague/old friend. We got to the room and right away she started in about bedbugs - there might be bedbugs here, i've read all this stuff about bedbugs, do you think there are bedbugs, i want to look for bedbugs.  I didn't say anything. Finally she asked if I was even concerned about them.  I just looked at her and quietly said "Mary Ann, I just had cancer. I'm not too concerned about bedbugs." And she said "WELL! - I guess you told me." And she didn't say another word about it the entire weekend.  It's been a few years since then, and she mentions it from time to time. Apparently it put things in perspective, and she never complains to me.  Looking back it is kind of funny. But sometimes a few well chosen words carry a big impact.

I too notice and get frustrated with peoples' petty concerns and complaints. I think it is an understandable outcome after what we have been through.  I do think perhaps that as time goes on, you will have less of a strong reaction to them though, and more shake your head rather than react (internally) so strongly.

But one idea is to consider a new group of friends. Perhaps volunteering for a project that is meaningful to you (not necessarily breast cancer - maybe something not so close) would bring you into contact with people who are a little more outwardly-focused and not so shallow.  For example, my work brought me into contact with a woman who lost her daughter at 19 to leukemia.  She started a children's oncology camp in our state in her daughter's honor, which was her daughter's last request. While our history and situations are very different, we connected as women who have been through hard things, and have become friends.  

You cannot go back and be who you were before this happened. But others have been through struggles, and perhaps you would feel a stronger connection with them. Just an idea.

Re the husband - you know that you can only control your own actions, no one else's. So in light of that, the actions I would take if I were you are:

Keep a calendar so things are planned in advance. Do not spring them at the last minute.  Notify him of activities on the calendar and express that you and the kids would really like it if he joined in and attended with you.  Do not ask again. Whether he goes or not, YOU GO and have a good time.  You will lead by example, AND you will have quality time with your children.  He may start to join in more, or not. You may stay married to him, or eventually your paths may diverge so much that there isn't enough left.  But raising children is fleeting - you don't want to waste time and energy on him in this way.  That would be my approach anyway. And in fact it WAS my approach, when my husband was very depressed and wouldn't do anything, when my kids were young. It was a turning point to me when I stopped limiting our family by what he would/wouldn't do.  We ended up separating years later and have been divorced a long time.  I saw him recently and he is still depressed and miserable. I was SO GLAD not to be married to him any more by the time our meeting was over.

Good luck to you. Anything I can do or help I can provide, feel free to PM me. 

wenweb

Faye and everyone, I am just over 3 years out and I'm get what you are all saying, I FEEL what you are all saying.  Faye was spot on when she said that it was she who had changed, not her husband. For the most part, I feel that I have dropped out of the society, other than the people I work with and the folks who know (and understand) what I have been through. 

As the title of this topic states, my body is put back together, but my psyche is not. By the time I realized I had not processed what had happened to me, it was too late.  I literally missed 5 days of work after my diagnosis and treatment, and they weren't all at the same time!!  My life continued on as though nothing had changed when it had.  

I am thankful to be a part of a huge family of women who understand.  That's my rant!! 

MTnester

Faye, I get it. I do. I'm a year out from my diagnosis. I'm all put back together physically but finding out more and more every day that my emotions have not recovered. I'm glad you got this off your chest, hopefully knowing you are not alone brings you some measure of comfort. I don't have any great advice for you or suggestions , I just want you to know I get it. Hugs to you!

Faye33

Thanks for the support, everyone!  I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one feeling like a fish out of water.  I think it is possible I could be dealing with a little bit of depression, but I think it is just the reality that no one in my "real life" understands me weighing heavily on my mind.  I've always been the odd one out, and now even more so.

I will do the best I can and embrace each day!