I have gone mad

ali68

Hi, I have finished all my treatment and on Tamoxifen for eight weeks.

I am scared, restless, angry, upset, pisssed off, can't sleep between 3 am to 6 am, don't want to be married anymore, pissed I had cancer and angry at the world.



My family and friends say I'm too angry and need to calm down.



I just want to scream at people who say I am well and everything is ok.



Am I going mad and If so "help"

thefuzzylemon

Hello...I'm almost a year past active treatment. I am a very angry person and have terrible sleeping issues. My anger is triggered. Is yours?

ali68

Hi, I will be a year in December and that's when I have my next mammo. I am so angry even though I don't want to be. Everything is pissing me off, and my long lost mother called today. Also my wedding Anniversary and my DH won't talk to me because I told the workman his work was rubbish.



I'm thinking of coming of Tamoxifen as life is shit being like this.

Lou10

Sorry to butt in on this forum as I'm not stage III, but the topic jumped out at me.

ali68, I was where you are at about the same time (except the marriage bit as I'm single ) Thefuzzylemon, it continued for many months after active treatment 'though maybe not quite as intensely as initially. And I was on an anti-depressant (was on one before BC and still am). 

I still get very angry sometimes, and my triggers seem to be 1) people who don't "get it" and 2) frustration over things I can't do or mess up, and how long it is taking to recover. However, my mood (and other SEs, including sleep) improved when I had a trial separation from Tamoxifen for 4-5 weeks. I'm now on an AI instead, Femara, and feel more like myself (whatever that now is ) ... I've only been on it about a month, so I hope that lasts.

If you aren't on an anti-depressant, you may want to try one. I switched mine this year to one which is better for both depression and anxiety. Also Tamoxifen may be wreaking havoc with your mood.

Bugs

I had a horrible time just out of treatment.  Depression for me, more than anger, but you are in a rough part right now.  It's NORMAL!!  It will ease up as time goes by, but don't hesitate to get on meds for temporary help if you need them.  What helped me the most is to know that I wasn't alone and what I was feeling was completely normal.  You've been through war and are dealing with the after effects.  Deep breath and come here to vent.  It's normal for family/friends to think it's all done and you should be all better.  It's what they want.  I learned (after almost ruining a couple of friendships) to just shut up and come here to vent to those who knew it wasn't "all done".  Even now, I talk to my bc sisters about stuff...I rarely talk cancer to my "non cancer'' friends.  They don't get it.

thefuzzylemon

Well...I think coming here and venting is a great step in the right direction. I've started to recognize that NO ONE without a cancer diagnosis will ever understand what we have gone through, are Going through and will go through...they just can't. I've been beat up pretty bad mentally and my shrink says that, now that I'm angry, I've made "progress". This disease is a bitch. That poison is for real. I will never be who I was again...and I have to surround myself with people who are ok with that...including myself. I have to embrace this reality and that's a work in progress. I call it my "shitstorm".

You're husband may need his own counseling...and you might want to look into a DBT group...that's where I'm headed for group therapy to be able to manage my emotions.

So come on girl! We'll do this together. This is added to my favorites and I'll be here for you until you don't need me: ) I really do get it. Its sucks. And...I REALLY hate it when someone tells me to "get over" anything....that's just so wrong...

thefuzzylemon

As for the Tamoxifen...I've heard others that have had bad trouble with it too. Definitely check with your oncologist to see what other options there are if you want off of it. You need to do what's right for you...

((((Hugs))))

thefuzzylemon

As for the Tamoxifen...I've heard others that have had bad trouble with it too. Definitely check with your oncologist to see what other options there are if you want off of it. You need to do what's right for you...

((((Hugs))))

ali68

Thanks so much this is helping me loads. I told DH I need some help with this and he thinks the same( I must be bad as he hates antidepressants.)



I spoke to the breast care nurse and she was lovely saying I don't need to suffer like this.

She will speak to the onc or BS and see what can be done.



Thanks again

ali68

Onc just called and said stop taking the Tamoxifen till I see her again on 22nd October.

She will see how I have been with having a break.

What do I do?

purple32

ali68

Get off the tamoxifen ride and seek some celexa for depression...just my opinion dear .

Good Luck to you.

this too shall pass

Lou10

ali68 -

My onc told me to keep a log of my symptoms during my 4-5 week "trial separation" from Tamoxifen, to determine how much effect it had been having. When I saw my onc again, we decided I should switch to an aromatase inhibitor based on the improvement in my symptoms.

I had been worried about going off hormonal therapy for that period of time as I am ER+++/PR+++. My onc said it wouldn't affect my risk since hormonal therapy is given for such a long time. Taking the break had to be looked at in that context.

I'm now on escitalopram (lexapro) for depression ... it's a very close cousin to citalopram (celexa), which I had been on, but possibly helps more with anxiety as well.

Lou10

P.S. Maybe Tamoxifen isn't the culprit in your case, but you won't know unless you go off it. And my onc said the break has to be about a month for it to get out of your system. I wish I had communicated how badly I was feeling sooner, like at 2 months on Tamoxifen instead of waiting for my next 6-month appointment after that ... maybe I'd have moved on with my life by now. Instead I lost more time and who needs that?! 

ali68

Thanks, if I feel better from not taking the Tamoxifen then I will know. My periods stopped end of March and last chemo was beg of May. People say it's normal to feel like this but I was ok till I started the Tamoxifen.

thefuzzylemon

((((Hugs))))

bak94

I am right by your side! I tried tamox for about 6 weeks. Couldn't tolerate it, it gave me crazy hot sweats. I was about to quit work. I thought how silly to go in and give my 2 weeks because of this crazy sweating hot flashes, but I could not deal with it and was miserable. I have been off for about 1 week now and I am not sure if I have improved. I go in to work today, I only work a couple days a week so you would think I could handle it! I am only 3% er pos so if I feel better I do not want to go back on tamox. I already tried aromasin, that made my whole body hurt so I had to stop taking that one, so 2 down!

As far as recovery, I am almost a year out from chemo and I am still weak. Had bmx in Nov. and finished rads in March. Thought I would be better by now. My husband is having anger issues and is yelling at me for the stupidest things, I exploded and told him if I could leave him I would, and he said go ahead! Problem is I am financially strapped, with no insurance without him. He just doesn't seem to care and I know he is bothered by me not having boobs, although he would never admit it. My reconstruction isn't until next year. We have absolutely no intimacy and live more like roommates since my diagnoses. We just sorta do out own thing. Sorry to vent on your thread but it struck a cord with me and I have not told anybody about any of this hubby stuff until now! I am angry, he is angry. Thing is I hold mine in and he lets hos out, usually I try to smooth things over but I am done doing that. I deserve to be treated better, or to just enjoy being by myself.

Sorry I don't have any suggestions for help. Nothing has seemed to help me. I do therapy, am on effexor, I walk every day. Still angry and depressed. I just want to sleep and do nothing but I keep on trying.

ck55

bak94, your post really touched something in me. I feel helpless in replying, because I really don't know what to say. Of course you are angry and it is reasonable that your hubby is angry. Cancer is a beast that just comes along and f*#ks with our lives and simply doesn't care about the chaos it leaves behind.

Is there a way to reconnect with what brought you and your husband together in the first place? A way to tap into the friendship you must have shared through the years? I know my husband and I have had some pretty rough patches in our 30 years together (both cancer related and not) and it seems if we just hang on it eventually smooths out. I know this sound cliche and I am certainly no marriage counselor, but how about sitting down and just talking all this out. Ask that you both put aside your anger and promise not to judge what the other person has to say and really listen and then repeat back to each other what you heard the other say. I know, easier said than done.

Mostly I just want to say I am sorry you are in such a sad place right now. Please know you are in my thoughts. I don't know if you remember, but I met you in the treatment center at Swedish August 2011, so when I see your posts I always pay attention.

Cyndi

P.S. I love your goat picture. I have always had a thing for goats, I don't know why. Where do you keep them?

ali68

Bak94, so sorry this is your second time with this shit. My DH is a bit like yours and today he brought me red roses, I was shocked and he took the dog for its walk.



I told him how bad I was and I think he now knows. This is the guy who asked me to do some work on- line just after chemo. When I had surgery the nurses told him to leave me alone to get some rest. Came home the next day and on the way home asked if I wanted to go shopping with my fucking drains in.



I think you have to talked to your DH because its you who needs the support. All I can say is think of yourself because you have to be happy or what's it all for.



I am 60% ER so I don't know what I'm going to do? I do know I'm not taking Tamoxifen again if all these SE go within the month.



Does Tamoxifen or these other drugs really help against cancer returning and if so how much.

Momine

Ali, the hormone blockers work and in cases like ours give a lot of added protection. Because the SEs of tamox scared me silly, I opted instead to have my ovaries out so I could go straight on an AI. It has been 6 months and so far so good. Since my mom had ovarian cancer and her sister had uterine cancer and my BC was ILC, it was also a good idea anyway to get rid of that particular equipment.

bak94

Hi CK, you are always so sweet! It is funny, when my husband and I get along, we get along great, but when he gets in his moods he is unbearable! I used to ignore it and just walk away, but now I realize he needs to knock it off, as it hurts me.

We live on an acre so the goats have a shelter and room to roam. They have been bad lately as they discovered they can jump the fence! Yesterday we came home to find that they had trampled my sunflowers, ate some of them, ate my husbands grape plants and some of my tomatoes! BAD goats!

Ali-I am sure they will find one of the medicines that you can tolerate. Have you been over to the hormonal threads? I wonder if the se's do get better after time. I know I could not go on like I was for 5 years, but if I knew there was a chance of se's getting better I may be able to. I just don't know how much good do they do me.

Oh those drains! I had to have them reinstalled twice because my fluids kept building up. I had them in initially for 3 weeks! I hated them and they were painful. The last time I had a drain I had to work with it. Terribly uncomfortable as I am a haircolorist and move around a lot at work. The thought of the drains are one thing that may keep me away from reconstruction!

ali68

Feel great now and no SE with mood swings.

thefuzzylemon

Ali...are you off the Tamoxifen? Is that what helped?

ali68

Hi, no I stayed on it at battled through it. I am walking my dog an hour and half a night also.

My head is normal now and I feel great, maybe it just takes time.

thefuzzylemon

That's Great News!!!