My Mom

jacke84

My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about a month ago but just told me a few days ago. She says she hadn't meant to tell me, that she was going to have surgery and start radiation without letting my brother or I know what was going on. She told me by accident. Anyway, I know now and want her to tell my brother. We're both grown adults, capable of dealing with this news but she's refusing to budge. She's having surgery next week and I want so desperately not to be alone in the waiting room while she's under. I know that if the situation were reversed and he knew something so important and didn't tell me that I'd be devastated. I want to honor my Mom's wishes but a really selfish part of me doesn't want to be alone in this. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.

liefie

Dear jacke84, this is a hard nut to crack. I'm just thinking that if your brother finds this out afterwards (and Mom won't be able to hide this for ever, trust me!), he will feel so hurt and left out. He will probably be very angry. It is not fair to him that you know and he does not. This is now also compromising your relationship with your brother. My honest opinion is that your mom is not thinking clearly at this stage, and that she somehow wants to protect you guys from this pain. This is admirable, but not very realistic. You are adults now, and she just cannot shield you from hardships as she could when you were little. My feeling is that you should take the plunge, inform your brother, and tell your mom that you are doing so. Be prepared that Mom may be upset for a while, but if you two kids treat her with love and respect which I'm sure you will, she will come around quickly. She needs all the support she can get.

My youngest son was away overseas halfway around the world when I was diagnosed last December. We considered not to let him know, but our other two adult children said that they would be absolutely furious if they found out that they were not told. So his dad phoned and informed him. He was upset, but at least he knew what was happening, and appreciated that we let him know. His fiance told us afterwards how upset he was, and how he cried in his sleep, so it was very hard, but he was included, and that is very important.

AaronR

I agree with liefie. 

 Speak with your mom, let her know that her son is a part of her life and deserves to know the truth. How would she feel if the situation were reversed, if her son was in a challenging situation and did not reach out for support from his family? Try this, let her know that you think your brother deserves to know and be a part of the process. Then find a way to to tell your brother. 

 Approach the matter with sensitivity. Remember that how something is said is just as important as what is being said.  

love and support. We are all here for you.