Not sure how to act now that treatment is over

misslene

I am 8 treatments away from finishing radiation. It's been a long nine months of surgeries, chemo, radiation, side effects, and endless worrying! So I'm just relieved to have this behind me. But I'm having a weird time with this whole survivorship thing. I'm only 34 years old. I don't know anyone else my age who has had cancer. I'm unconfortable with how people view me now. All anyone at work or amongst my friends talk about is how tough I am and how I kicked cancer's ass and so on. I feel like I'm on this pedestal like I'm a unicorn or something. I don't think I'm tough. I got a disease and I got through it. Behind closed doors, I whined through the whole thing like a baby. I told my husband countless times during chemo that I wanted to kill myself. I guess I just put on a really good face to the rest of the world. The whole pink ribbon thing annoys me, but then I feel like I should be embracing it and wearing head to toe pink with a big pink ribbon tattooed on my head. Does anyone else feel like this? I just want to move on with life like this was just a waste of nine months of my life instead of everyone acting like I'm Superwoman.

thefuzzylemon

Hi...I think I kinda know how you feel a little bit.  I was 39 at diagnosis but...as we know, thiis damn disease doens't really care about age...

My inital thought when I read your post was to let you know that "they" will never get it...never.  It's not possible.  We don't want them to be able to "get it"... Like you, I didn't feel "tough"...I felt like a pile of shit that kept getting stepped on over and over again.  But, it's important, for me anyway, to let my straight friends (non diagnosis of C) know exactly where I stand.  I put up with stupid remarks and stories, facebook posts, etc for WAY TOO LONG!  I don't do pink either...

Here's a funny story...I got a FB message about supporting the idea of a cancer barbie doll that is bald so little girls with cancer would feel beautiful - or some crap like that anyway.  Oh man did I unleash on that one!!  Make that Barbie have one (or no) boobs, scars, swollen from steroids, completely hairless, irritated and sick and MAYBE anyone with cancer might read the entire post.  A BALD BARBIE!  Of all the nerve.  But, it felt really good to say it.  I actually had a few people thank me...it seems they don't really think about some of the stuff they say and do...

So, stay true to yourself.  It's ok to tell someone that they don't understand - and they should be glad that they don't - but they should never assume what you are going through or what you have gone through...I can't even imagine thinking I know where you've been and I am a cancer patient!

Anonymous

I know; I'm dreading Pink Month (Oct) this year too.  Try not to think of yourself as different; think of yourself as special, that you are a gift-to your family and yourself.  I am coming up on one year from dx.  I had nearly 7 months of treatments and I'm not done (bi-lat and recon still).  

But in some ways I'm happier, more passionate, more comfortable in my skin than I've  ever been before. It's like all the stuff I thought I needed to worry about just doesn't matter anymore.  I teach at the university level, and two students (after I shared with them today about my b.c. history) said "But you're so strong!  You're always so happy!"  

No one ever accused me of being outwardly happy before.  I liked it.  And congratulations for being nearly done with treatment.  There is a transition where you'll feel "weird" and maybe displaced, but it won't last. Be kind to yourself during that time.

Claire 

Denise-G

Hi Misslene - Oh gosh, I can relate to your feelings but I have 20 years on you!  I am 7 weeks out post rads.  At first, it was so scarey to be away from treatment.  Then you have to get used to how people treat you differently, going without hats, wigs etc.

But just in 2 months, things have gotten brighter.  Like Claire, I am happier even though I still have alot of medical issues on my plate.  Things are much more clear now.  I still feel somewhat alien talking to friends and family, because they cannot get it.  They never will...

But it will get better.  I cried during the last week of Rads a lot.  More than I had cried the entire journey through MX and chemo.  Ending rads really got me...

It will get better.  Your feelings are normal for what we have been through!  Even though there is not any normal!

Hugs! 

fpdgirl

I completely understand how you feel.  I have been going through strange feelings since my treatment ended.  I was diagnosed in March 2011, had a DMX and a lot of chemo.  My reconstruction surgeries are finished and I am happy with the result.  I had TE with implants and tattooing. 

After everything is over, I find myself examining what happened to me last year and kind of freaking out.  There was too much going on to think about it last year, but now I have all the time in the world.  I was depressed for awhile, but I talked and talked and talked about it with my husband.  And he listened.  He let me cry and try to figure out what I was feeling.  It really helped. 

I never felt like I was going to die of cancer or anything.  I think it just suddenly hit me recently that I had gone through a tremendous stress and impact on my body and I couldn't believe it was "over" as much as it can be. 

I still get "blue," but not as much.  I think it is because I really wallowed in it earlier this year and I talked a lot about what was going on inside of me.  I've examined what happened to me from every angle.  I feel more normal every day.  Hope this helps