I feel like I am living to prepare to die.

redrobin09

I am two years out from treatment and reconstruction is complete.  I have this overwhelming feeling that I need to do things or complete goals right now before the cancer comes back.  I want to be able to know if I'm gone I leave my family well taken care of.  My kids are teenagers, they and my husband are amazing.  I feel like I am living to prepare to die.  Does anyone else feel this way?

ali68

Omg, yes I feel the same I was told my Cancer was bad and I think it will return.



My kids are 24, 16 and 14 and my DH is two years old.

AgentMo

Same here. I am convinced I will die before turning 40.

Rachel1

Yup. I am having a particularly bad time right now with our Stage III girlfriends progressing and having scares. I'm 2 yrs. out as well. Maybe this is a scary time in the time line for us.

Hugs,

Rachel 

sadinla

Yes, i feel that way also just had a masectomy sept5 , but this is my second time with cancer in 2009 i had a different kind of cancer and I was just about gotton to the point where cancer didn't cross my mind everyday so now i'm back at square one feeling that doom and gloom as soon as i wake up.i just try to tell myself god is in control some days are easier than others.

Denise-G

Okay, so we have to learn to turn this around. Maybe together we can.   I had been struggling with this though I am only approaching one year out.  I have been telling myself the sense of urgency is good because I no longer put off things I used to put off.  I appreciate every day, when before I really didn't. 

Any ideas how we can change our thoughts??? 

sewingnut

I'm in the same boat...But I have really neat and clean closets now!

My Aunt and Cousin are both long term BC survivors. I asked each how they stay positive. They both said the same thing. Set goals, achieve them, then set more goals. Don't let fear run your life.

My Onc spoke at an event recently. She said something that gave me an AHA moment. She said "Remember, it's not about waiting out the storm.  It's about dancing in the rain!"  I've been so fixed on the "storm" I forgot about the rain.

Celtic_Spirit

Come to San Diego and drive the busy streets and highways here...you will feel like death is imminent every time you get behind the wheel!

Seriously, I appreciate each day, month, and year more now than I did previous to breast cancer, and I find I procrastinate less, especially about things I want to do and places I want to visit. However, I feel it's just as likely that I'm going to die unexpectedly due a car accident, a fall, or some whackadoodle with a gun in a movie theatre. Or I might live to be 89 and die from a broken hip or congestive heart failure. None of us knows when the Grim Reaper is going to tap us on the shoulder, but until he does, live your life to the fullest! Carpe diem!

And, as Andy Dufresne said in Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dying!"

Elizabeth1959

I feel the same way.  I think about what I would like to do since I'm feeling good right now.  I'm thinking about taking a trip to Europe next July.  I wonder if it's realistic to plan something like that since I don't know how my health will be.  It affects ALL my decisions.  Should I save money for retirement or should I spend it all living for the moment.  I do not have an answer at all.  I am desperate to live a long life.  I just know that since I had a 16 cm tumor, this is probably unlikely.  It is very, very difficult.

Lillymillie

It's hard not to feel that way. I really miss the blissful ignorance of my old carefree life. I've just finished my active treatment and every ache and pain I get I worry that it might be something sinister. I felt safer in treatment. I'm 36 and sometimes feel like i'm staring down the barrel of a gun! I'm sure this is normal and I'm hoping the 'time is a great healer' really is true.

All that said I'm generally a very positive person and have been enjoying and savouring the good times with my family/friends and planning stuff to do. I've definitely learned not to sweat the small stuff...

lkc

Dearest Ladies, I was exactly where you are when  I was  was recently dxed and going through Tx.

Gradually each yr went by and I was still here!

 The fear subsides as time passes. I actually  forget sometimes this BC beast came  and visited me.

diana50

I was so scared when diagnosed 10 years ago. As time progressed I realized that I was doing pretty good and I needed to wrap my head around surviorship. Having cancer is so hard. However, looking for the end is even harder. No one can really understand your thoughts and feelings , however...there is something called "you are alive today" and you give it merit. The future will shape itself. Do NOW. TODAY. That is what counts. Stay in the moment and the future will show itself and you will know what to do then. Have a bad day but don't lose faith.

Hang in

Diana

tlew

I feel the same. I was depressed for a long time after being diagnosed. I wonder if I will be around to see 3 year old graduate from kindergarden, high school or even college. I get really sad some times but I snap out of it. Either way we have to live our life day by day. Being sad won't change our health situation. Might as well live our life to the fullest at this point. I have lots of plans to travel as soon as I finish reconstruction. Bc really does suck, just have to make the most of your healthy days..

Bugs

Linda and Diana are right.  Two years out seems to be a hard time, emotionally.  I dealt with the "prepare" part by doing just that.  I did (finally!) a will and decided who would get custody of my son if anything happened to me.  I'm a single mom, so I should have had a will prepared when he was born and never did.  It was actually kind of a relief to get that all figured out and have down on paper all legal like who would be raising my son.

Time.  It helps tremendously.  You realize that life is precious (more so than the norm, i think) but are able to plan for the future.  

Hugs! 

Ihopeg

Well said, Diana!

 Each day is a gift! 

Momine

 I take it for granted that I will die younger than I would have without the cancer. It is impossible to know if that means I have 2, 5 or 25 years. Since it is impossible to know, it doesn't really do much good worrying about it. On the other hand, it does make me more focused on getting done what I want to get done. I don't see that as a bad thing.

ButterflyLady

Just finishing my second battle with breast cancer.  The first was 6 years ago and both times stage 3b with 2 and 3 pos. lymph nodes. I stay terrified all the time.  My son is in college and I want to see him graduate, get married, have kids, but sometimes I feel like I won't be around for all of that.  I guess it is normal to feel that way.  Breast cancer has definitely turned my life upside down.

MaxineO

It is a mental battle. Up and down all the time.  Not to sound flip, but we all have an expiration date, BC or not.  As my DH says "none of us are going to make it out of this alive."   

During the up times, I always think of that Shawshank quotation that Celtic Spirit shared.  It will suck if any of us have a shorter life than we expected, and that is hard to wrap your head around.  But take a breath, look outside your head, and enjoy the beautiful life you are in the midst of right now! Hold tight to those joys, and try not to let the prospect of death take that from you. 

Sending you lots of positive thoughts and HOPE.

Celtic_Spirit

My boyfriend's aunt Evelyn had stage III breast cancer when she was in her late 40s. She had a unilateral mastectomy, and that was it. There weren't many treatments for breast cancer in the early 1970s. Evelyn pretty much got back to living her life after that. Over the next 40 years, she traveled extensively and saw not only her sons grow up, but the birth of her grandchildren and great grandchildren. Evelyn died last year at age 86 from a variety of old age issues (heart trouble, broken hip, etc.), but breast cancer wasn't among them. Imagine all she would have missed if she spent her life looking over her shoulder.

ali68

Celtic spirit, thanks

clariceak

I wish I could remember who uses this as their tagline, but it always resonated with me.

If you knew that hope and despair were paths to the same destination, which would you choose? ~Robert Brault

I try to remain cautiously optimistic, and some days are differently harder than others.  One of the biggest changes for me, was my attitude towards my girls who were only 10 and 8 when I was dxed.  I was never in a hurry for them to grow up, but now I think another year towards independence, another year that I was able to influence the type of adult they will become.

It's a strange world to to live in - not being able of make long range plans with the same confidence prior to bc.  I struggled with making a committment to build a new house after dx, but I ended up feeling so much better when we decided to build because it felt like I was placing a stake in the future.

redrobin09

Thanks ladies for all your wise words.  I am very happy in my life and my one year wedding anniversary is coming up so I am definitely living life to the fullest. 

I just realized I am trying to accomplish every goal and visit everywhere I have ever wanted to go and do everything I have ever wanted to try right now, today if at all possible.  My husband tells me to slow down we have plenty of time to do it all.  I say I know you are right but I feel inside that we probably don't have as much time as we would like. 

I work hard and I play harder now to accomplish it all.  I wish I could slow down and enjoy it instead of being in the moment thinking check that off the list what is next.

chemochar

   My daughter tells me, Mom , live!!   Do everything you always wanted to do and enjoy life! So i always wanted to learn to play chess, taught myself, will eventually go back to writing a book I had begun writing, and when i think of new things to add to my bucket list --I'm gonna do 'em.  i still would like to travel, see the Kentucky Derby in person and wear an outrageous hat to the event.   That's just the beginning.  I bought a target pistol and began target shooting which i had given up years ago.  I've developed big time arthritis in my thumbs (no thanks to Tamoxifin and Astrodole)  but that will not stop me.  So goals are a good thing to have on your mind rather that dying from b.c.  It may get me in the end but we have to die  of something. Hospitals are full of healthy fit people dying of nothing!

cmdczc

Yes, understand the sentiment exactly.  Am 2 and 1/2 years from dx, and sometimes I feel as if my 2 years (that I assumed I would get from the chemo and rads) are up.   It is hard to stay positive some days; try to keep it away from the family, though.  I know it bothers them.  Unfortunately I work in a lab looking at cancer every day.  It is always in the forefront of my thoughts.  Tough....

7of9

I know my Onc said I'd have a few years if I had a higher stage (I was 2b before neo chemo "backed" up to 1b but not sure if it "counts"). So each day I'm not progressing I feel like the next 2 years are within reach. I know I decided to do the big no no and go ahead and pull some money out of my retirement and buy a boat (now that I was able to secure my life insurance policy so worst case husband could bury me and pay off the house). Whether I'm here to enjoy it for years or not, I know as a gift to my husband, he and my son will be able to recreate the memories and embrace my love for the water and outdoors as I did growing up. That boat is going to keep famiy together, make for some great fish stories, and teach my son the balance and athleticism to water ski, tube and drive the boat. It's also a hobby (fishing) he and his dad can enjoy throughout childhood, teenage years and adulthood. Just paying outright for the damn thing (used but in great shape) and told husband if you take it out 4x a year and enjoy each time (I think we'll do more than that) but that is a success if he keeps it the next 20 years. F_U cancer. My son will not grow up sad and lost. He will have friends, family and a hobby totally independent of his grades, school bullies, anything thrown at him that I wouldn't be here to help him overcome. Meanwhile I'm looking forward to getting our driveway done and expanded and getting it in here so I can start to wax it and clean it up, ready for our first full year with it next spring. Gosh I hope I have more hair then!

1Athena1

7of9,interesting what you say about how to describe your dx. I say I am stage IIB but I might technically be stage IIIA because my tumor size is exactly 3.4 cms, which would put me over the 3 cm mark. I told my onc I didn't want him to tell me what stage I was - I didn't want the memory of those words coming out of his mouth, so I just figured out my stage using the path. report and guidelines.

Momine,I think I, too, take for granted that I will probably not live to my life expectancy. It could be due to a recurrence, or it could be a weakened system from the tx, or my comorbidity. As long as I know it's not going to happen today or tomorrow, I can retain some relative complacency and deniability.  

ETA: But the thought of an early death is with me when thinking 3-4 years out. Less so now than just after dx.

lanagraves

Wow ladies. I know there are many people who recur from earlier stages, but there are more that do not. I may be one of the (un)lucky ones that it happens to, but I refuse to believe that I couldn't possibly be one of those who never recur. As I've seen many on here say, it's a crap shoot. So I'm gambling on 40 years. I may lose, but there's always that possibility that I won't.

Momine

Lanagraves, if I end up living to 90, I will be delighted and there is certainly a chance of that happening. But I much prefer to prepare myself mentally for the also very likely alternative of an earlier than planned death. I don't see it as any great tragedy and I do hope to make it past 60.

pip57

I said I would be happy if I could make it to 5 years.  It didn't look promising. But here I am!  Now I am selfish and want more.  I am shooting for 10!!

Momine

Pip, we had the same chemo it looks like. DO you know if it is considered 2nd or 3rd gen? I had 4 FEC and 4 Tax.

pip57

I believe mine was 2nd generation.  My friend who was stage II had 1st generation.  Mine was a year later and considered a new approach so I that is why I think it was 2nd.  Are you in Canada?