Jealousy over husband/partner seeing other women WITH boobs?
I had a single mastectomy 5 years ago and for the first 4 years or so (!) I was consumed with fear about the cancer returning; I didn't give thought to much else in my life, sadly.
Of course I know that the cancer could always return, but once I hit the 5 year mark, it did make me feel better. Now I am focused on possible reconstruction. My husband has always said that my missing breast doesn't matter to him and that he loves me no matter what, but whenever we are out and about and a bosomy woman (or just any woman with *two* breasts) walks by, I feel a lot of jealousy and feel sad that maybe I have somehow 'cheated' my husband out of something special. They look "normal" and I wonder if he looks at them and misses that (TWO breasts versus one). I am feeling very insecure lately and I don't know how to get over it and believe my husband - that he DOES love me, one breast or two!
Comments
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Kp, I hear you. I had one breast for about 18 months, and now I don't have any. This is something we have to get control of within our own thinking. your husband gives you no reason to feel jealous (I am guessing from your words) so you are putting the weight of the world on your shoulders. *YOU* did not disappoint your husband, cancer did. You did not ask for this, or do anything wrong to get this.
So you move forward to heal your spirit. There are women who have said their husbands don't care for the reconstructed breast, it would be worth looking into this before you go through all the surgeries.
Two things that help me are 1. posting here and talking about it with women who understand and 2. buying some new clothing/nightgowns that i feel pretty in.
I am learning the hard lesson that I gotta love myself and find my own peace. And I have to learn to never sell anyone short, I would not think less of a person if they were missing a breast or body part, so why should someone think less of me?
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Kim, Crystal has wise words (she got DE-constructed!). I'm another one who is totally flat. I must admit that I look at women with two breasts!!! They are beautiful and still amazing to me. I had them. Now they're gone. Oh shit. It's like I'll never be tall. I'll never be a natural blonde. It will always be something we can't have again and we do learn to let it not hurt us anymore.
I had my DH sit with me and we looked at website after website of reconstructed breasts. He was VERY grossed out by all the scar lines and different colours of skin (Alloderm and grafts) that showed. The tatooed nippes or fake nipples, fipples had him questioning the point of it all. And then to learn that the women didn't have any sensation on their new breasts, it's like, what's the POINT???? To take a year to THREE YEARS to get it right, just wasn't part of my agenda! I had a life to get back to and the fastest way was to go flat. I avoided rads by doing this too. (My cardiologist said 'thank God!' I didn't do rads!) I didn't need the drama of surgery after surgery.
Who would you be doing this for? You or him? He says he doesn't care. Why do you? I think your jealousy is OF the other women, NOT that he's looking at them. He probably looked at them before you lost your breast....
You are doing your husband a disservice by not believing him. Have you discussed this with him? You have been brave for so long, why are you questioning it now?
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Thank you ladies. You have both offered me some great insight. I talked to my husband about reconstruction the other night and I asked him if he would be more "put off" by a missing breast or a reconstructed one, and he said a reconstructed one! That kind of surprised me. I thought all men were into boobs, but maybe not LOL
barbe1958, I honestly don't know who I am doing this for. I want to be as attractive as possible for my husband and before cancer, my breasts were a (very) important part of intimacy for me. Maybe I am just now mourning the loss of the one after all these years (?) I do look at other women with envy. I think to myself they can be uninhibited wearing tight clothing, and in the bedroom. I am always self-conscious wearing anything clingy and I am VERY self-conscious in bed. I do wear pretty nighties and if they come off (blush), I cover that side with my arm or hand. My husband is always trying to pull my hand away while he tells me how beautiful I am.
Why can't I believe him? I don't know! We have been married almost 20 years (next month), have three beautiful daughters and a wonderful life. He is a good, hard-working man and a wonderful husband/father to our girls.
Maybe I need therapy?? This is so strange to me how I didn't think twice about this all those years and now all of a sudden, I am just filled with envy and jealousy toward other women and always wondering if my husband is looking at them, wishing...
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And can I ask you both a personal question (as if I didn't get personal above, lol)...when it comes to intimacy, how do you feel sexy? What I mean is maybe you can share some tips with me on how to feel like a 'whole woman' again. I feel deformed. I don't always want to have to wear a nighty - I want to believe and trust my husband 100% and be "free" with him. He always whispers to me during those moments, "Don't be ashamed of your body. You are beautiful." Would a man say that out of pity or out of fear of hurting my feelings? I must have serious issues.
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Kim, you have normal issues, not serious like crazy issues, but STRONG issues. That's a better word. I used to admire other womens' bodies BEFORE I lost my breasts. They were slimmer, taller, firmer, etc. so it's no different really now. Maybe before you never really noticed? But I've heard it said that we, as females, dress more for other females than we do for men. We could show up naked and a man would be happy (ier!). But we want style and class and admiration from others who can recognize our efforts - other women!! I get more satisfaction when another woman tells me she loves my outfit than if a man says "nice dress". Does that make sense?
So, when you're walking around you LOOK normal but you don't feel normal. No one but your DH knows what you have under those clothes. I know women who's breasts sag to their waists, but they jam them into a bra that gives them great cleavage and they're happy! But, they'd hate to be naked for anyone to see their poor, saggy breasts! Go figure! There are SO many of us walking around with battle scars like surgeries and stretch marks. My stretch marks are SO bad that I sometimes bleed due to the thin skin. My kids are in their 30's!!!! No one knows that looking at me, thank God!
As for your DH, I also heard that it's a big turn-off for guys when women are too self-concious about their bodies. Men don't care the same way we do (especially as you USED to have 2 breasts!). So you were once pretty "pefect" in your own way. Now you aren't, but you are still "you". That's the part your DH loves. Does he hate the fact that you lost a breast? I'm sure he does. Will he go running off to find a "whole" woman again...I doubt it!!!! I don't think ANY man would say that out of pity, especially as he doesn't HAVE to. He's already married to you and doesn't have to woo you. It's nice that he says those things, now it's your job to believe him. Get a little tipsy and get naked and have him cover you in oil/cream and just slide your bodies together!!! I had my DH rub cream into my double mast scars right from day one. He got used to my look WAY before I did!! He is very protective of how I look and is proud to stand beside me in all my flatness.
Sexy nighties are GREAT and they don't always have to come off, but when they do you have to trust your inner goddess that she is exuding the same sexuality as she was when your gown was on. You are SO close, sweetie, that I don't think you have far to go in accepting yourself! Many women won't even go to be without their prothesis and I think how bad is their marriage that they can't trust their man to still love them? It also breaks my heart to read of women who go through the years of constructing a new breast only to have it turn their husbands OFF!! Wouldn't that just rip your heart out??????
I am so proud of you to discuss this with your DH. With a good bottle of wine, I think you can have a wonderfully sexy, and creamy smooth evening....
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Barb, I am saving your thoughts/words to keep and reread. INCREDIBLE post!!!!
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Kim, your post made me cry. "He whispers to me during those moments 'Don't be ashamed of your body. You are beautiful'." That, my dear, is such an intimate thing to say, and it clearly comes from his heart. He wants you to let go, be totally present with him. The two of you have obviously experienced each other in this way before, and he wants that back. Believe me, I had two implants and deconstructed and my husband prefers how I look without them. When you consider how much reconstruction could take you even further away from feeling good in your own skin by creating pain and discomfort, feeling self conscious of your lack of a breast is something much easier to overcome. And I personally believe that putting a fake boob next to a beautiful natural breast detracts from the original's beauty. I wouldn't want the focus to be on a foob, as in the game "One of these things doesn't belong, which one is it?" I felt like that with two fake breasts because they clearly didn't belong with the rest of my body. I am truly deformed from deconstructing, but I will take that any day over not feeling right in my own skin and self conscious because of fake boobs.
Barbe, as usual, your comments are spot on and beautifully stated. -
Barbe-
What a great post. U have to Believe in urself for u not for anybody else. U girls are so fortunate to have such loving caring husbands. I dream of that some day. My husband cheated on me and left !!! Be true to u and love what u have!! Unconditional LOVE!!!! -
Wow. I'm not even sure what to say. You have all given me wonderful advice and really made me think. I am still taking this all in, and am rereading the replies -- I am looking at this differently now...100% differently. Thank you SO much. It is so wonderful to be able to talk to women who have been there.
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Why do you assume that everybody you see has the 2 breast they were born with? If you walked past me, you would see a confident woman with 2 breast - you could not know that one is what I was born with but the other is a pros.. Well perhaps you might guess because of my compression garments but not by how I 'look'. (Recently there have been several who I didn't know that thought my compression garment was for burn scar reduction.) What are the odds? - 1 out of 8 women will develope BC in their life. Sure, not all need/have mast. but it's still BC involving surgery.
At an intimate moment, if Hubby said to me "Don't be ashamed of your body. - - - " I'd have probably 'whapped em up 1 side the haid with a 2x4'. We all see/hear things differently and to me that would be negative - why would he think I was ashamed of being me? Sure I'm not the same I was when we married 37+ yrs ago BUT he isn't either. He didn't have a gut hanging out then, had gorgeous long blond hair and not all the ache/pains/etc he now has - doesn't matter, he is still the same man who has grown over the years that I married then even though he doesn't look the same. I'd NEVER think to say to him at an intimate moment "Don't be ashamed of your body." So negative! -
Kicks the OP said that when her nighties come off she tries to cover herself up with her hand...to which her hubby is telling her not to be ashamed of her body.
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Thank you Letlet.
Kicks, yes...what Letlet said...I cover that part of my body during sex. My husband tries to move my hand away. One of these days maybe I will let him... it has been a long road and my self-esteem has taken a beating. For now, I will continue to wear and buy beautiful nighties. There are times I get mad at myself and think how dare I be worried about something so "trivial" (trivial compared to worrying about the cancer coming back).
It is such an emotional roller coaster... -
Barb, well said. Kim, he is there for you! He has affirmed his love for you no matter what. You need to believe what you husband is saying to you. Don't believe everything you see when another woman goes by. Trust this wonderful man you have. Talk to him. He has been there for you for five years. Let him move your hand away. Better yet, present yourself in your full glory for him to admire and love. Yes, it takes courage but you have it in you. You've come this far.
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Thank you kathindc, your reply and kind words mean a lot ot me. I do have a wonderful husband that told me just the other day that I am beautiful with or without the breast -- it doesn't make one difference to him. I let him see the scar in broad daylight (first time in 5 years since my surgeon took off the bandages in front of him) and he gently caressed me and said he loved me...ALL of me. I love that man. I just need to believe what he says...I'm working on it..
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He's a man, he's going to look. I've never understood why some people get so angry over that kind of thing. It's human nature. We look. I look, my hubby looks. At men and women. I think we are hard wired to look. I don't put any meaning behind it as I don't believe there is any meaning in it. Al tho now I do feel a twinge of sadness when I see someone with nice breasts. My uniboob will never look good in a low cut blouse again.
What you need to really look at is your husband. He doesn't care. I sincerely believe he really doesn't care. That man loves you, no matter what.
My hubby says the same thing, he doesn't care. I'm sure he misses there being 2, but he seems to be perfectly happy with one. It bothers me much much more than it bothers him.
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I had a partial mastecomy back in 2004. My husband says the same thing, It doesn't matter, I love you no matter what. HOWEVER even after all these years it bothers me still. I thought in time I would learn to feel better about myself, but unfortunately for me it hasn't. I appauled those we can "go on" and be happy. I have always been a self conscious person before...But now its worse.
So Kim...I'd say we are on the same sinking ship here!!! At least we have some very good company!!
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Hi ladies:
Here's a perspective for you. I am 43 and had a BMX last year due to atypia. Long story, but my mom had inflammatory bc and I'd been having "issues" with my breasts since I've been 26. When the atypia hit I was like, see ya boobs. Tired of this stuff. Plus, I am divorced and my ex has serious bi polar issues. So if something happens to me, my son is stuck living with his father. So I needed as close of a guarantee that I could be here for him and not let that happen. BMX was the only "guarantee" with regard to BC possibilities. We know there are no guarantees but you know where I'm going with that.
Okay, so I did not reconstruct. With my mom's ordeal, I learned a lot about the risks of recon and I honestly was just grateful to have gotten through the BMX. I wear prosthetics. I wear Radiant Impressions. So here I am, 43 and single. Right before this whole atypia thing happened I had dated a wonderful guy for a few months. We broke it off because neither of us were ready for a relationship (both freshly cheated on and divorced). Well...he's back now...we've been texting and he is making no qualms about telling me that he's interested. And I've been trying to figure out a way to show him I'm interested without leading him on. Imagine how hard that is and the mixed signals he must be getting from me. But I can't converse with him as a woman who would like to get into a relationship with him again because I feel like I'm false advertising. It's like showing a buyer a brand new car in a brochure and when they agree to buy it you wheel one out with no headlights. How are they supposed to drive it at night? Know what I mean?
I know he heard I had health issues because he texted me during that time telling me that if there was anything I needed he was there for me. I thanked him briefly back then and nothing more because I was so stressed with the surgery coming. I don't think he knows that I had the girls removed and if he does, I'm thinking he thinks I reconstructed. I honestly don't know how he can live in the small community we live in and not know, but stranger things have happened. From what I know of him, I don't think he's going to be bothered by this, but again...who knows.
So I understand what you say when you see other women with breasts and you find yourself staring at them and wondering if your husband is missing out. I find myself obsessively staring at women's breasts, wondering if I should have reconstructed. But then reality hits. Who would I be reconstructing for? I don't want fake boobs. I don't want the possibility of complications. I wouldn't be able to feel a hand on them as I can feel sensation on my chest now. Who would I be doing that for?
Ladies, when I made the decision to deconstruct my natural breasts without even having a cancer diagnosis, I implored the help of God. Once I knew that I knew that I knew that God was on board with it, I asked Him to please just make sure that the after would work out for me. I truly believe He will. When I was on the gurney waiting to be wheeled in for my lumpectomy (before the BMX) I warned my aunt who was in the room that I was probably going to proceed to a BMX shortly after. She said, lip quivering and all, "But what if you meet a man and then you don't have.....breasts?" I said, "My husband left me and I did have breasts. What's your point?"
It is highly possible that this man I am talking about in this post will be where I am going to be tonight. It's possible we are going to end up together alone tonight and if we do I am going to have to finally find a way to break this to him. I have no intentions of having sex with him tonight or anything, but I feel that he should know right out of the gate what he's getting. If this guy doesn't want any part of me because of my issues, then it wasn't God's plan for us to be together and I'll move on enjoying where I'm at on the way to wherever God leads me.
I have a feeling I'm going to find out that having no breasts is a good man gauge for a single woman. Will this man that I care for so deeply accept me like I am? We'll see.
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Jesus, when I HAD breasts I didn't assure suitors that my bra wasn't stuffed or I was wasn't wearing falsies...so I'm not sure where you're going with your concerns. A man must love your brain and soul before he loves your body. ANY man would love a body, it's inherent in their nature. But it takes a REAL man to love a woman's brains. I think that's why on-line dating has been such a HUGE hit. People are learning to be friends first, before they hit the sheets.
I remember a comic years ago in Playboy or Penthouse (yes!! I used to look!!) and it was of a very bosom-y woman on a date. Then they are at the bedside and she's flat as a board!! It's not just breast cancer patients that are flat.....
Surely he'll ask about your health concerns, be honest! A good friend in your pocket is always a blessing.
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barbe hit the nail on the head. You wouldn't want a man who can't accept you or be your friend.
So maybe just tell him, if you have special feelings for him, just tell him the gals aren't real, in fact, the aren't even there. Then I think it is important to give him space. he might not react well, alot of men/people give bad first reactions and you have to be a bit forgiving with that.
I know a man who married a woman with no breasts, thyroid, and the sort of surgery where your bowels come through a stomach opening. He loves her heart and soul. Stuff like this really does happen. My own dad was blind, deaf and poor...and he had 4 long term relationships, women adored his wit and sense and heart.
So sure, whenever you feel serious about someone, I would out it out there. I guess people who have a disease like herpes have to put it out there too? Even my young daughter with diabetes has to mention it early on, it is who we are, so it makes sense to talk about it.
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Jesusis-
That are completely 100% correct!!!! A man should love you for you!! Have confidence in who u are today!! It should not be your fear at all. Don't do something that's not right in ur heart for someone else. Love u for who u are not for who u are not!!! 😍😍😍 -
I get what you gals are saying. Maybe you just made me see what the real issue is though for me - I'm trying to protect ME right out of the gate. That's what it boils down to. If he can't accept it then that's it's own entity. What I think I'm trying to do is get it out there before I get even more attached to him and then get my already shredded heart smashed again.
He didn't come to the event last night. But he texted me telling me he was sorry he didn't make it (we didn't have anything certain set up - he had said he'd try to come if he got a chance). So we texted back and forth last night and we are back at it again this morning.
I still have this underlying peace that God's got my back - whether the plan is for this guy or another man somewhere down the road. Either way, I'm truly happy where I am and I would do the surgery over every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Peace of mind is priceless.
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Jesus, glad to know you have God at your back, now let Him take the helm!!! Don't make your life fit God's plan...truly see what He has in store for you. If your name implies that you are a strong Christian, you know that He doesn't always give us what we want, but does always give us what we need!!
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I get what you gals are saying. Maybe you just made me see what the real issue is though for me - I'm trying to protect ME right out of the gate. That's what it boils down to. If he can't accept it then that's it's own entity. What I think I'm trying to do is get it out there before I get even more attached to him and then get my already shredded heart smashed again.
He didn't come to the event last night. But he texted me telling me he was sorry he didn't make it (we didn't have anything certain set up - he had said he'd try to come if he got a chance). So we texted back and forth last night and we are back at it again this morning.
I still have this underlying peace that God's got my back - whether the plan is for this guy or another man somewhere down the road. Either way, I'm truly happy where I am and I would do the surgery over every day of the week and twice on Sundays. Peace of mind is priceless.
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Jesus, your post went in twice. This site has been slow lately and you hit submit more than once. Please see my comment above your last post.
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Barbe nice words:)
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