from strong and positive to sad and depressed

annabug12

Hi Everyone!!  I was diagnosed with BC in January, right before my 35th birthday.  Had bilateral surgery in Feb., just wrapped up 6 rounds of chemo in July, started Tamox. this week and will continue Herceptin until next April.  Reconstruction is scheduled for September 19th.  All of this and going back to work has really pushed me to feel stressed and depressed......Had felt really good, and positive throughout this whole thing, didn't really get too emotional, but now I'm a wreck and the hardest part of this (chemo for me) is over!!  Anyone else find themself feeling this way?? HELP don't know what's going on!!!

mommichelle

Annabug,

I think there are a lot of us who go through the same thing.  I did fine through chemo, felt like I was fighting it and doing something proactive.  After treatments were finsihed, I struggled.  I also think while you are stuggling to get through chemo, many times you have the biggest support group, when you are finished, sometimes that group gets smaller.  I ended up seeing a therapist 1 year after chemo.  She helped me alot, I was doing well for about 5 months, but then had a few scares and "triggers" and ended up going back to her.  I think this disease shakes us, and sometimes we have a hard time dealing with everything we have been through and our remaining fears.  I think it is normal, and I think it will get better in time.  Hang in there.  

 Hugs,

Michelle 

georgiebz

Hi Annabug

I am going through something very similar, I had lumpectomy in March, massive hematoma (still have it though getting smaller) then 30 doses of radiation finished early this month.  A few weeks ago I decided it was time to get back to work (I took the last 2 weeks of rads off work) anyway when I got to work everyone was lovely and very welcoming, thoughtful etc but I just felt so very different, my confidence seems to have vanished and I cry at the drop of a hat- for no reason and I am not a cryer!!.....I wake each morning with a feeling of dread as if I know something real bad is going to happen and I don't know if I can cope with want ever that may be....I know the feelings are not rational but I have then all the same, I went to see my GP who told me that this is fairly common for BC women and that I should not put to much pressure on my self.  I just wanted to get back to work and be my "normal" self again but I am coming to realise that I now have a new normal.  My GP has asked me to be gentle and kind to myself and come back in a few weeks if I am not feeling any better.

I am also anxious as I am back to see my surgeon on the 17th Sept and he wants me to go on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years....the anxiety builds....

These are my experiences to date - you are not alone.  Be kind and gentle to your self - take care 

lago

I felt my worst once chemo ended Jan 2011. My 50th birthday was 2 weeks PFC. I felt like crap. Stiff, bloated, nails hurt, bald etc. Started to feel better 5 weeks PFC then 2 months later got a really bad case of shingles and my exchange surgery was pushed up 5 weeks because of it.

But in June 2011 I had my exchange and it was all uphill from there. I had been going topless for a while and my short cut looked great. Once I finished Herceptin I became even less stiff. 1 year PFC (Jan 2012) my hair texture was normal again.

It takes time. But before you know it you will be celebrating like me. Yesterday was my 2 year NED date!

marjie

Lago is right!  It will take some time but you'll get there.  Her and I met on these boards at the beginning of our treatments.

 I remember being kind of "down" and feeling worse once everything was done.  I think it's pretty common...even on your down days, just try to stay as positive as you can...and talk talk talk, there's lots of ladies here who totally understand!! (hugs)

208sandy

It does take time - it took me almost three years to recover and feel confident again - depression still sneaks up from time to time but I've stopped worrying and have pretty much resumed my life, of course, easy for me to say I'm much older and retired (although I have a regular volunteer job) but take heart and be good to yourself, you've been through a lot.

lago

I think the biggest reason for feeling down is everying is cheering "YaY chemo is done" yet you are feeling the crappiest you've ever felt. I know that's how I felt.

annabug12

Ladies- Thank you for the extremely kind words, and encouragement!  I truly thought that I would have had these feelings during chemo, but they have now hit harder than ever and I am glad to know that others are here to support me that KNOW exactly what I am feeling!  Learning to be kind to myself and give myself time is/has been hard, honestly, but I thank God daily for the baby steps.  I feel lucky to have found this site, only wish it would have been sooner.  Better late than never.  I look forward to being a part of this wonderful community!!

xxxxx

I am a newbie here BUT I thought I was the only one who feels this way. How do you turn the faucets off???? I cried all last week. I am finished with everything and for the first time I HEARD I AM TRIPPLE NEGATIVE and I knew it all along but just did not connect at the time. I was on anxiety meds the first month of my chemo and then I started to get postitive and after chemo I was feeling awesome and then RADIATION I had crying spells again and depressed I guess. I wasn't too fond of my radiologists but am over that!! haha Now in three weeks I get the word. I pray it stayed away. Need to find my mojo back too.

Prayers to everyone.

Kareybeth

annabug12

Hi Kareybeth- sorry we have to meet on these circumstances, but glad to know that I have others to talk with about this.  This week did get a tad better but still feel very out of it with friends and coworkers.  I'm most comfortable in my home with my hubby and daughter, everyone else I just feel as though I am someone different.  Came to realize I am different, but hate the sadness and lonliness it creates.  I cannot beleive that you are just finding out that you were/are triple negative, I'm sure this just added to the feelings you already had.  The good news according to the other ladies is this too shall pass.  I lost my sister this past Christmas Eve, then was diagnosed 3 weeks later so I am not sure if I am finally mourning since I didn't have the chance to because I jumped into survival mode, but I know how icky this is for us all!!  God bless you and keep us updated ;0)

Crystal

chemochar

  I AM STILL ON A POSITIVE NOTE DAILY.  DON'T WE ALL HAVE THIS DISEASE IN COMMON?     WE DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT WE ARE GOING THROUGH THIS FOR SOME REASON.   I KNOW I BELIEVE THAT  WHOLEHEARTEDLY!  IT BROUGHT OUR FAMILY CLOSER TOGETHER ALTHOUGH WE LIVE IN DIFFERENT  STATES.  THAT'S GREAT!!

xxxxx

Hi Crystal

Wow sorry about the loss of your sister. You have to really be a strong person Your sister is watching over you. I do believe in angels I try to be positive chemochar Just sometimes it happens and I have no control over it. I am a starving artists, haha and I get lost in that most of the times along with prayer I also find me blaming myself for not taking better care of myself but I know that is not the case. I have seven sisters and they take turns calling me. Had one sister afraid to call and talk to me because she didn't know how to handle it (cancer) and another because she would start crying. haha AND they are my big sisters. Whatsup with that? I am doing okay, it just takes a long talk with myself to keep me positive and motivated. I am very lucky that I have gotten as far as I have.

Two more weeks for all my test and PRAYERFULLY they take this port out! That would cheer me up. NOT that I am unhappy, I am very grateful

Prayers for us all

Kareybeth

annabug12

Feeling better day by day, thanks all!!  I have my reconstruction surgery on Weds. so looking forward to getting that out of the way and moving forward!  I look forward to getting on here daily and reading and talking with others who are going through the same thing, as I do not have that here (not wanting to go to groups right now).  Hope you all have a wonderful week, God Bless!!

Crystal

lago

Good luck on Weds. I look forward to seeing you on the "TRIPLE POSITIVE GROUP" thread.

Trisha-Anne

Good luck with your surgery annabug.  You'll probably find that you will have good days and bad days.  I found that up until I finished Herceptin I was having a lot of bad days.  Once Herceptin was finished everything started getting easier.  I too had lost most of my confidence and self assurance - that was pretty hard to deal with as I'm usually pretty confident.

I had to go on Arimidex, and had a very hard time on that, after 14 months I had a 2 month break and then started on Aromasin.  I didn't realise how bad I was on the Arimidex until I went off it.  I feel like a new woman now.  I've had a couple of scares over the past 6 months - back pain that we hoped wasn't mets (turned out to be arthritis caused by the Arimidex) and I found a couple of new lumps in my "good" breast last week - that knocked me for a six, but thankfully they've turned out to be cysts.  Even with all that, I now feel really, really great.

So - give it time - you will get to a stage where you feel good, and look good (yes really!) and life will be pretty darned wonderful again.

Venting on these boards, and getting support from those of us who know exactly how you feel helps a lot too.

Yesterday was 2 years since my dx - so it can take some time - but it's worth it when you get there.

(((hugs)))

Trish 

annabug12

Trish- Thank you so much for you advice, some days this is a saving grace!!  I'm glad that your new lumps turned out to be nothing and hopefully they get the back situation all figured out!!  I can't wait to feel/look normal again, but in the mean time, I am really learning how lucky I really am!!  God Bless you and I look forward to many more chats with you!! 

Crystal

KLeeR

I'm feeling stressed, three years after the surgery, chemo and radiation.  My parents were both dying when I was going through chemo.  I paid the bills, helped arrange the funerals, and clean out their house, while going through radiation. I had so much grief to go through. I still miss them very much. At the same time my youngest moved away to college and the year before my middle child moved away with her hubby and baby. Thankfully, I gave up my job, as my parents became increasingly ill, so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals. Everything was sooo busy. It was a continuous emergency.  Now I'm going through the uncertainty part.  It's been 3 years since I found the lump and NOW I'm nervous and worried about things.  It feels like the other shoe is going to drop.  My CA 15-3 is going up point by point from 6 to 21. I had a pea-sized lump that my hubby and I felt.  I went in and it had gone back down after about a week.  It must have been a cyst.  I think the doctor would think I was crazy if I asked for counseling now. It feels like if I were to ask for counseling, nothing I say would ever be taken seriously again. A dear friend of mine for over 30 years, recently went in to the doctor over and over, feeling that her breast cancer had metasticized, but she was offered tranquilizers, and nothing was done, until she passed out in her bathroom with stage IV breast cancer in the stomach. They gave her two months to live, but she insisted on being treated and they were miraculously able to get her stabilized again with chemo. I'm so glad she was insistant. Sorry to vent on you guys. KLeeR DX 6/09 IDC 3.2 cm. Stage IIB, Grade 3, 1/3 nodes, ER+,PR+

CelineFlower

Mental health is a crital component in this "war"

I am Bipolar and have chronic depression. I met with my therapist yesterday and she is part of my "mental health cancer team". The progress i have made in stabilizing this disorder in the last few years is very precious to me, i am very proud of my self..

but....

Now that i have been diagnosed with IDC, my stability is threatned. Not only due to the anxiety and fears that the DX produces but also the SE of many chemo drugs include depression/anxiety (tho they r unsure if its drug related or enviromental).

My tools include three main catagories

Love: Giving... receiving... all very important. Close connections with loved ones. Intamacy is not only for lovers... get close to the ones you love, physical contact is important. 

Excersize: you will be amazed at how efficient excersize is at clearing away the blues. I love long walks.. 7km to 9km ..i've read on here some women ride horses.. that must be amazing, not only do u get excersize but you all get to share love/intamacy with the animal.

Meds: I fought for years not to be medicated....i take lithium, celexa and a sleeping pill. For 20 years i nevr slept more the 90 minuts at a time, i never reached deep sleep. I finally gave in and took a sleeping pill.... slept 8 hours... woke up and cried, i felt so good...

there is one other tool... distraction..

*celine blows some purple bubbles your way*

good luck today.. will be thinking of you