6 year story and counting, my mother.

pumpkinsea

All of the driving in the world could not begin to close the distances betwene my mother and I. My mother, is 53 years old as of this July, She found her first "lump" in October of 2005, and was diagnosed stage 2 breast cancer mid 2006, she had a mastectomy (left side), and reconstruction, and chemo, and came back from her first go round and was fine. I got married 2007 and she was there, wig and all. Sitting two tables away at my wedding reception, she might as well have been in paris, france, because thats what it felt like.

In case words on the screen arn't conveying the emotional termoil that has been in place betwene my mother and I for the past 11 years let me say it plainly, nothing with her then was easy and nothing with or about her now is easy, in fact it is worse becuase her reality is different, then what most people, including I, experiance as "reality". Although I have let go of the past anger/saddness/hate , much of the same emotions have been getting stired up not because of past mistakes or problems but due to the cancer.

She has had both breasts removed (and reconstructed), at that time is when things became worse. The breast cancer spread into her lymph nodes, on her left side. She had some of them removed and tested and went through radiation and chemo, and she came back from it a second time around.

Last June, my sister, my brother and I made the trek to a hospital 10miles from the oregan border, to see my septic, metastatic (liver/bone ((hip)) ), stage 4 breast cancer striken, mother. She, sitting there, in the hospital, puffy (from all of the antibiotics and drugs) yet organized and present enough to know where her medicaid card was and to ask her nurse if her tamoxifen could be filled at the counter pharmacy down stairs.

She doesn't even look like, what I remember as my mother any more. As of June 2012, She is stage 4, metastic (tumor in her brain, {left frontal lobe}, tumors throughout her abdomen, cancer spread to her; liver, kidneys, bone {left hip and femur}, and a blood clot in her lung) puffy from the meds (which she is alergic to, yet wont survive with out that peticular medication) she is becoming more and more confussed beyond normal forgetfullness. She has been given a prognosis of 6 months to live. of which 5 months are left.

a week ago, I found (and read) her pathology reports from her first 2-3 years of breast cancer. I love reading medical materials, even more so since these are my mothers. she has always been a secretive woman. even more so with her cancer. I found out that she has also been battling severe depression and anxity disorder since around 2004-2005.

Yesterday August 30th 2012, I discovered 2 small "pea sized" bumps in my auxiliary lymph nodes, google reasearch says it could be my body fighting a cold/flu/ect... well or... a sign of breast cancer... I am terrified (see "young and terrified" post in 'Not diegnosed but worried')

Later in september I will be meeting with lawyers to figure out all of the legalities of my mothers estate, and she will sign her Will.

I am lossing my mother.

I am feeling increasingly lost.

I have the emotional suport of my husband, my son, and the rest of my loving family and friends, but like I said no amount of driving could close the distance betwene my dear mother and I.