Fairweather friend

BetsyB1986

My best friend won't talk about my BC with me. If I bring up what I've done that day, 'e.g. went to see my specialist, prepared for a hospital stay, etc.', even in the most routine way, she ignores me. She'll change the subject, or not reply to my e-mails/texts for days.

In some ways, I understand. Her father died of cancer two and a half years ago (about the same time I was having two tumours removed from my breast) so I realise it might dredge up some horrible feelings for her. And I wasn't even that hurt that, this time round, she couldn't even remember that I'd had lumps removed before, because obviously the timing was pretty awful for her. But I'm not pouring out my emotions. I'm just passing over the routine of my day-to-day life at the moment. Usually, because she's asked me what I've done that day.

We're both 26, and I feel that she's only willing to commit any time and effort to me if I'm up and ready to party with her. But even while I was going through a hard time with cancer, I was always there for her while her dad was sick.

I feel like I have to address this with her, because it's upsetting me so much. And I really don't need another thing to upset me at the moment.

How do I tell her that I need her support? And that if she's unable/unwilling to provide some support, we shouldn't see each other at the moment? And if she is unwilling to even listen to the most casual reference to BC, is it worth maintaining a friendship with her at all?

thefuzzylemon

Oh I'm so sorry...I feel your pain with someone even closer. It irritates her at the slightest mention of what I've been through/go through/will go through. But I love her with all my heart. I edit my conversations with her. I have others That can handle the "thicker" stuff so....I have adjusted to her needs while still meeting my own.

Just between us....I think your friend and my reference are selfish and want to stay as far away from any pain that they cannot see how badly this hurts our feelings. For me, this was a huge part of my life, is a part of my life and I'm an open book....doesn't define me but its a hellofathing to go through. Hopefully, they will never need to truly understand.

For me...some people went away...and others filled in the empty spots...and I'm really comfortable with how all that worked.

Its hard. Maybe tell her that you need her and you know she's uncomfortable. How would she like you to adjust your conversations to help her? If you come from the angle that you want to help her, maybe a bell will go off in her head like "oh crap...this is my best friend. I need to be here for her!"

Good luck. I hope That helped. And, you are in the best sisterhood to be found.

Hugs: )

BetsyB1986

Thanks, Fuzzy! I think you're right about the selfishness... and let's hope they never do have to go through what we're going through.

I've tried adjusting the information I give her. I keep it vague and non-specific. The other day I replied to her e-mail asking about my day, by saying I was having a struggle with my insurance provider. That was it. No details. No actual reference to BC at all. And her response has been to ignore me. She hasn't spoken to me in days. I'm a little heartbroken.

Very strange having such a rare form of BC... there's so little information. So pleased to have found this group!!

Denise-G

My best friend of 40 years (I'm 56) at first could not talk with me about my diagnosis.  She came around.  Later she told me that all she did was cry and was afraid to talk with me because she would cry.  

Your friend may come around.  There is hope!

Lou10

I'm so sorry you're being hurt in this way. Only you can decide if it is worth maintaining the relationship.

I had a friend, a close friend I thought, who did not contact me again after my cancer diagnosis. I had supported her when her step-mom had cancer ... even bought a wee gift for her and I'd never met her. My friend's mom died years ago from cancer, so obviously it's a very tough thing for her to deal with. I get that. But it was so hurtful ... and still stings ... that she "dropped" me when I was going through hell. That was the end of the relationship. Even if she were to contact me now (over 1.5 years later), I don't think I could be friends with her. She's not the person I thought she was. I would never do that to someone and really don't need fairweather friends. 

thefuzzylemon

Throughout this whole ordeal...I had one friend with the maturity to tell my DH he couldn't face me...he couldn't wrap his head around the idea that I was sick and couldn't contact me...that was the kindest thing he could have done...and now we are back on track.  At least he could say it...it is hard for some...impossible for others...and just the most insensitive thing ever for others.  My one friend taught me that....if that's how someone really feels, they are capable of explaining it...especially if it's important. 

I'm one of those "it happens for a reason" kinda gal...if I lost friends, there was a reason.  And honestly, while I was dealing with treatments and such, I wouldn't have had the energy or patience to keep them close to me.  I had to make some tough decisions and ask a few to stay away...it was just too much to deal with their attitudes and I gently excused them.  I don't regret that at all...my journey, my time, my way.  Just this once. 

XOXOX