How do talk to my older sister about her Stage 4 cancer?

Scribe81

Hi,

This is my first time posting on this discussion board, but I need some help, so I thought it was time. My older sister is in her mid-30's, she was cancer-free for about 2 years (after undergoing treatment for breast cancer previously, also in her 30's). The day I found out that she was "cancer free", I cried tears of joy. The day a few months ago when I got word that her Dr. believed it to be "back", I nearly collaspsed. As of right now, from what I DO know, she has Stage 4 Breast Cancer that has metastisized to the bone, with about 4 (I think) tumors on her bones in various places. It is also "back" in her lymphnodes. I also know that it is hormone-receptive. This is pretty much all the actual information I have. I know she's taking hormone-therapy type drugs to try and reduce the size of the tumors. I wasn't sure how to talk to her about all this, and have mostly gotten information via my parents...since I am concerned that if I ask her directly what all the "details" are, I will become really upset, which I don't really want to do. However, I really WANT to know what may happen...I understand that stage 4 like this is basically a Chronic condition, that as of right now there's no cure, only treatments that prolongue one's life. But, the question is, for how LONG?

 My sister is married to a great guy, and they have two young children (3 & 6), it is devastating to think that my neice and nephew may lose their mom at a young age. I heard through the "grapevine" that she (my sister) hopes to be able to see them graduate high school. I am six years younger than my sister and always assumed that I would out-live her, all things being equal--now, I've come to the realization that I may outlive her by several decades. This, I NEVER imagined. 

 So, my question is, with all the informtion I DO have, how do I talk to my sister and ask her more details concerning her cancer? Can anyone give any advice as to what types of questions are appropriate to ask at this point? I know she's having a mammogram soon, and then a PET scan later (I think in Oct) to find out whether the new anti-cancer drugs have worked at all. I want to let her know that I am here for her, but at the same time, I want to be able to prepare for whatever "eventuality" exsists...

 please offer any advice you may have, much appreciated! 

Godspeed

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I'm sorry about the late reply. My wife is also stage IV metastasized to the spine. There are many great resources here that you could look at if you are curious. (every case is different, and there are no catch all answers)

I think the most important thing is to listen to what she has to say (don't try to fix it, you can't anyway). Don't suggest options, that is what her oncolgist is for. Just listen, and respect her wishes if she does not want to talk about it.

You can always call and let her know you love her. She won't get sick of that. You can offer a listening non-judgmental ear any time she chooses. If she does ask for something, make time to do it immediatly, and let her know it was absolutely no trouble for you to help.

I assume she has an Oncologist, which means she is well aware of the reality. She may just want small talk with you to have a break from the reality, and that will be helpful as well. Remember, she is the one that get's to choose how and when to talk about the cancer.

Godspeed

If your sister does share the report, here is a Great decoder of the lab report.



http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/diagnosis

Godspeed

To be objective, here is another post about talking with a sister. It is a different situation with a different response than mine



http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/16/topic/798019?page=1#idx_10

Cyborg

I have learned from my friends how to be with people like me. They take my lead . They offer me distraction through pleasure able activities. They talk with me about their problems.

I don't have stage 4 but the way my friends love on me is probably a way that can be generalized to others