Boyfriend doesn't understand my terror

jls24

Since my diagnosis of bc I have been in a constant state of terror.  My significant other of 16 years does not understand how alone I feel, my depression, anxiety and how terrorized I am.  Last week he hollered at me when he came home and I was acting depressed.  He said he couldn't take my one word answers and my lack of interest in everyday things.  I havn't taken care of my garden or my flowers and I have no interest in what once made me happy.  He has his own business and seems mad if he has to take me to my doctor's appointments.  I would drive myself if it weren't over an hour away on roads packed with commuter traffic everyday.  I shake so much I don't know how I can keep my mind on driving.  Last week when he took me he was very aggitated and complaining about the traffic, even having the air conditioner on in the car in 90 degree weather bothered him.  My daughter has been wonderful and taken me to most of my appointments.  She is a teacher and will soon have to go back to work and I know she will not be allowed to take off all the times I have to go.  Some friends have offered rides, but I know they are hoping that I will not call upon them.  Sometimes you can just tell they are saying it because it is the thing to do.  Some of my friends act like they don't want to be around me for longer than it takes to just say hello and wish me well.  My very best friend wouldn't even pick up the phone but insisted on emailing me instead. When her husband was having many surgeries, I always drove with them because she did not want to drive in traffic.  I don't know what to do.  I feel so sad and anxious.  At first I could not eat, but then forced myself because I did not want to lose a lot of weight.  It is Monday.  Friday is my surgery for lumpectomy.  If they find something worse I will have to have another surgery-a mastectomy.  How do people like me, who on a good day is a worrier, make it through this?  My grandson whom I adore had to leave for college last week and I was overcome with gloom at his leaving.  When I see my other grandchildren I have to hold back tears and act like I am ok.  I have the most wonderful grandchildren in the world and we have spent so much time together on vacations and I watched them every time my daughter had something she had to attend, when they were sick and she had to go to school.  I love them so much and my diagnosis makes me feel I won't be with them.  Has anyone had these same problems?  I am sure you have and worse.  I don't know what to do. I want to jump out of my skin.

CelineFlower

Dear JLS..

i am so sorry for you feeling this way. You must feel very alone.

Your significant other, might be going thru his own emotional turbulence from all this.. but that is not excuse to treat you this way.

Do you have a gf you can call to go with you? you might be better off going with someone who is not so angry?

*celine sends you some purple bubbles *

they are a great way to escape yourself... 

fredntan

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had all these same feelings.



I urge you to talk to one of your docs about depression /anxiety. I finally started med for depression while on chemotherapy. Helped a lot.

Have you spoken to any survivors? It really helps.

Take a walk. Breath.

curveball

@jls24, in addition to the other good suggestions from CelineFlowers and fredntan, your daughter might be eligible for Family Medical Leave through her job. This type of leave can be used for care of a parent with a "serious medical condition", including cancer, and the employer has to hold the employee's job until the leave is used up. The exact conditions of eligibility may vary from employer to employer, but she may be able either to use paid time off or take unpaid leave (if she is willing to do that) to take you to appointments and so on. I don't think the leave has to be taken continuously--it can be a used day here and a day there.

I also tend to be a worrier. If there is a cancer support group near you, I suggest you try it out. I had never had a surgery before that loomed so large in my mind as mastectomy. I really was afraid beforehand that I wouldn't be able to cope, and have some sort of mental/emotional breakdown/freakout afterwards. I've found the support group very helpful for talking out fears and anxieties with people who really understand what you are going through, and who may have had to deal with the same kind of reactions from other people that you are finding so difficult. You asked, "how do people, especially worriers, make it through this?" Another way support groups can be helpful is that the other people can tell you how they made it through, and what helped them get through may help you cope too. And one big thing about people at group is that they did make it through, which I find encouraging in itself. There are three other women in my group with breast cancer, and others who are caregivers or have had different kinds of cancer. I look at those folks and think how much scarier their diagnosis would be than mine, and yet they are still there and still functional. There are half a dozen long term breast cancer survivors in my church that I didn't know about until they told me after I was diagnosed, and it is so heartening to me to see them just going about their lives like anybody else. I guess my suggestion to combat worry is to look around for any encouraging thing you can find, and concentrate on that. If you can't find anything encouraging, find something that will distract you and keep your mind on something else for a while.

Lastly, often the waiting is the worst part. I was much more freaked out in the time leading up to my surgery than I am afterwards. My best wishes that your lumpectomy will go smoothly with no additonal surgery required, you will have a speedy recovery, an all-around successful treatment and be around to share as much love with your great-grandchildren as you have with your grandchildren.

mdg

I am so sorry you are having a hard time.  The beginning is the hardest part.  In times things do get better as you get into treatment.  I found it helped to connect with others that were going through what I was going through because they did get it.  Unless you have lived it...you don't get it.  BC really does terrorize someone!  I felt a lot of what you describe in the beginning of my BC.  I finally got on an anti anxiety medication and that has helped me so much.  I also needed a sleep aid for a while to make sure I was sleeping as BC kept me up at night.  I also felt like you did when you looked at your grandkids....my son was only 4 when I was diagnosed.  It was hard to keep it together.  I think your fears and feelings are normal...either that or we are both nuts!  Hugs...... I hope you have a good surgical outcome.  My thoughts are with you.

dogsandjogs

I am so sorry - I was lucky in that I did not have a boyfriend at the time of my diagnosis. It made things so much less stressful. My two grown sons helped me with getting to appointments. Back in 1982 there weren't that many as they didn't do all the tests they do now.  So the first one was actually done in the doctor's office which was across the street from where I worked. It was a biopsy. Then when I found out it was malignant I had some scans; luckily all done the same day; I drove myself.  My son drove me to the hospital for the mastectomy and my other son picked me up 5 days later. You stayed longer in those days. I had immediate reconstruction and there were a couple of follow-ups with that. But all in all, things went smoothly. I was back to work in 3 weeks.

I hope things will get easier for you - don't know what to suggest about your boyfriend---can you maybe not see him for awhile?

Layla2525

jls24, I totally am feeling it. The guys go thru their own thing and it is making it worse for us. I know my friends as soon as I call them to just update,I mean dont they wonder if I am ok? The first thing out their mouths is "I am going out of town,I sure wish I could be there but I have to go to the wedding,funeral whatever.." I was not even going to ask them to do anything!

I asked my significant other of 10 yrs if he was sure he wanted to drive me to and from the hospital since my surgery was Thursday and we have a 3 day weekend coming up. He said he had a lot to do and this wkend was his son's birthday!! (His son is college age and my son is away at the university and cousins far away and sister disowned me because I had the nerve to ask her why she stole my part of my parent's estate..yeah family drama!) Sweetie,we just have to be patient and find a good friend and do as much as we can for ourselves. My sig other has taken to drinking a lot and when he was an hour late picking me up from my exchange surg,I panicked. He was just like,"you are so impatient,just because somebody was not there at the exact time,blah blah blah" I know the guys cant handle it and we need a support group but we work 9 to 8:30 and so most of the groups are over by then..why cant they have a group on a wkend instead of a weekday night? I got more support on this thread than in actual life,thats just a sad state of affairs with how ppl treat other ppl,just wait until they go thru something!!