What does she need? What do I do?

ilovemysis

Hi. I come from a big, close, loving family. My sister is my best friend.  We both have 3 kids, all the same age.  We are each other's first phone call in the morning and last one at night. We do everything together.  She is my world. She has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. They are still testing types, stages, treatment options etc. The news just keeps getting worse it seems. What is it that I need to be doing? What does she need? What shouldn't I do?  I tried to stay in the background, and let my parents be with her but I feel like I'm coming off as insensitive. When I try to be there for her, she says she is not sickly yet. my mom and I need to stop making her feel like she's sick, which is the LAST thing I want her to feel! I so desperately want to be with her, but I don't want to discourage her or her strength. We have been lucky enough to not ever have experienced cancer in my family before but, I have no idea how to support her. I truly appreciate any and all advice, experience, stories and support. Thank you in advance. I am absolutely devastated and I am so lost.

thatsvanity

Hi I love my sis,

Well you are asking the right questions. I've always read that specific things are the best way to help. Making dinner, babysitting, going with her to chemo if she needs it, picking up her medicine, take her to lunch, or shopping, but don't hold your emotions back and cry with her if she needs that or laugh whatever feels right. And let her express how she feels with listening and just loving her like you do. Each day will be different but I am sure between ou and our mom she has a lot of love and support.

Love Amy Lynn

mdg

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel and be honest with her.  Many people don't know what to do when someone gets cancer and it's hard for the patient to not feel hurt at times by people's reactions.  I know once she has surgery, chemo or radiation (if either are needed) she will need help.  Arranging meals for her family, babysitting kids, getting kids to activities, cards and note of encouragement, someone to drive her to doctor visits, someone to take her to chemo, etc.....

I am glad you came to these boards for support and information.  It has been so helpful to me as I have gone through BC.  Keep us posted on your sister's pathology and exact diagnosis.  Good luck!

SheChirple

ilovemysis : I am also very close to one of my sisters.  I am the patient.  She was devastated by my diagnosis.  By all accounts I am the stronger sister.  She has her own disabilities and relied on me for a lot over the years.  She has custody of her grandkids, and I help her out with weekend sleepovers and such, help her around her house, as needed, etc... When I was diagnosed it was one year to the day after out mother had a stroke, and then passed a few months later.  My sister literally collapsed on my kitchen floor when I told her the news. I had not even told her about my biopsy.  The best thing she did for me was to be an ear I could speak to.  She just listened.  She made it clear that, while she does not understand all the medial stuff, she wanted to hear it, she wanted to know what was going on.  It really helped me to have someone in person to talk to.  She also gave me my space, when I needed it.  She took my kids to school whne needed, the gently pushed them to do the things I did not have the strength to even tell them to.

She is a stay at home mom to her three grandkids.  But she took the time every day I was home to stop by and have a cup of coffee.  To keep things as normal as possible.  She drove me where I needed to go when I could not drive.  She was just there for me.  She would tell me if she had her own appointments and couldn't help out.  She treated me normally, but with extra care to be there for no reason at all.

Just be her sister.

camillegal

ilovmysis--u are beside u'rself but u are so close to u'r sister continue u'r everyday phone calls as time goes by she will probbly needs u then/ And since u r so close u will be able to talk to her about it--bring it out and TALK she will tell u what's going on and how she feels and u will know what's needed and u can just do it. U didn't mention her grade or stsge and so many b/c's are treated differently u can just keep up with her treatment and it's wonderful to have a sister so close. Don't doom her yet, maybe that's her fear now there's a lot to go thru and while she might have all things to go thru---believe me u'll know how to help--even if it's just really listening and let her tell u how she feels. There are so many chemos and help out there for her maybe u can even organize rides from the cancer society is she does need that type of help.. Just keep us posted and u've got a good back-up here who cares and can help u cope too.

ilovemysis

It is such a blessing that I found this forum.  Thank you all so much for your kind words and guidance. I have these posts being emailed right to my phone. I get so happy when it goes off and I know it is someone so wonderful as yourselves taking time out to help me. Thank You so much. And thank you in advance for the continued support I know will still come. We have so far received some not so great news from a doctor we have been told is quite an alarmist. He slammed her over and over again with invasive testing and the doom and gloom and did not once give her an ounce of hope. This week has been hell for her.  But she is just so strong. She amazes me. Monday is her 2nd opinion with the Avon Breast Cancer Soceity who already has a team put together for her.  I'm looking forward to some good news and some hopeful words of comfort for her.  Thank you again. It seems like such an understatement but I mean it from the bottom of my heart. 

dogsandjogs

I agree with all the other comments. Would just like to say -treat her the same as much as possible. Is she type who loves to be fussed over? Then maybe do that a little more now.

Is she someone who is very independent and likes to do things for herself? Well, then respect that too, but tell her to promise you that if she needs you she will tell you.

Just try to keep everything as normal as possible. 

Travelingpants2

I totally agree with all the comments, but to make sure you talk and treat her as if it were any other day with adding special benefits on those days and nights that you think she is feeling bad and even when she's not.

Im the oldest 39 and its my sister 32 diagnosed with late stage BC...its NOT easy to keep emotions in check.

thefuzzylemon

You are a special person and so important to her.  What would you two normally do to handle a "situation"?  You're scared and you may want to tell her that.  Let her know that you are there for her 100% no matter what. 

Tell her that you are going to do things for her because you want to be with her through this.  Don't ask her what she needs...you know her better than anyone and it's difficult to have needs when there is so much going on.  Just do stuff...keep the kids on the weekends, get her mail, clean the house, bring her and her family dinners....what ever you know that she would appreciate without her having to ask. 

Don't forget her husband...I know that my husband did 100% of everything and no one offered to help him at all...that broke my heart. 

You know...it is possible that she won't be very ill and I hope more than anything that is the case.  You'll have to take deep breaths...remember that you are best friends and she loves you.  It can be a long bumpy road and I mean well past active treatment.  A lot can happen and a lot can change. 

And, of course, invite her to these boards.  She may enjoy the sisterhood that is found here and all of the experience that we have.  I'm so proud of you for coming here.  I wish you, your sister and all of the families a gentle journey.  She's so lucky to have you.

(((((hugs)))))

HerSister

Hi,

As someone who went through this with my big Sis, I just wanted to add the suggestion of letting her know that she should let you know what she needs for the time, as in does she want to talk about 'it', or does she just want a conversation/night out with no talk of illness & all the garbage that is heaped on us along with it.  This way she'll have someone she can express all her worry to and someone that she can try (in as much as that is possible) to have some normalcy (as in old times) with.  It truly did take quite a while after my sister's diagnosis, but we were all able to have blissful, fleeting moments where cancer wasn't in the forefront.  Those moments were sanity savers.  I just lost my Sis 15 days ago, and am now at the early part of the journey where I do not have any moments of blissful ignorance.  But, I suppose in time, I will get there again.

Praying for you & your sister.

Travelingpants2

I cannot comprehend not being able to pick up the phone, and just saying what are you up to...I will not be well...She is all I have to complain about life with (besides the hubby..but not the same), to talk about our kids with, and grow up together...I CANNOT explain the pain , I CANNOT explain the anger...She worked so hard to complete her high school diploma, to go to college and graduate after 5 years, to get her first home, was able to work about a year before realizing how ill she was. NEVER in a million years suspecting this sick and twisted disease.

To pull the rug from under her family and all of us was a MASSIVE blow, I can only explain it this way, it was like standing on the edge of a cliff looking down.

This will be the most difficult thing our family has deal with. And I am so, so , sorry for those who have lost there lives to this murdurous monster.

ilovemysis

Travelingpants, I am so sorry for your devestation, your anger, and your sadness. I have to be honest, your post scared the hell out of me. I saw in this wonderful forum there is a section for late stage cancer struggles. Im sure youll be able to find some incredible support there. And when or if I get to that point in the process, I will post my support for you there. I am trying to stay as positive as I can, and as optimistic as I can. We are only a week into this. I have to in the nicest, kindest way possible ask to stay positive in this thread. I hope as you read these kind words from other wonderful women you find comfort for your heartache. (((hug)))

SheChirple

herSister:   just HUGS

(((((((HUGS))))))

Anonymous

Ilovemysis

Right now she's still processing all of this. I know this well, as I was just diagnosed 4 weeks ago. Let her know, that you're there for her no matter what! Whether she wants to talk, cry, scream, complain, or throw things.

Tell her, you'll follow her cue, but above all, you're there for her.



My sister said a couple weeks ago, she didn't think she could do this. I told her, I don't have a choice to do this or not, and that I need her support, and she can do anything she chooses to do. She agreed with me.



I'm not having surgery until October. I'm already so tired of people with the pity looks asking " how are you feeling?" I keep telling them, " I feel fine, no symptoms, just found in a routine test."

So take her cue, just have the talk one time, letting her know you're there for her. Otherwise treat her, and your close relationship as you always have. Don't let cancer define who either one of you are.



You can do this.



Blessings

Paula



FIGHT LIKE A WARRIOR!!!

ohio4me

ilovemysister - sounds like you have the same the relationship with your sister as I do with my sister. I am the patient. I got through this past year because of the support of my sister(s).

For me - my sister was with my the day I got my results. She went with me when I told family.  When we told my youngest sister she broke down - that was the time I realized this cancer diagnosis didn't just happen to me - my family was hurting also.

Thing is - it takes some time to wrap your head around what is going on. It's surreal. I think it's kind of normal to want every day to be the same as before.

Just do everything you always did - don't change that. Once she has a bit of time to process the info then sit and talk. Tell her you want to be there for whatever she needs - ask her to promise to ask when she needs help. You'll know when you are needed.

My sister (one or both) went with me to every appointment. I cherished that time together - it was 45 minutes one way and that was my therapy time. It was time to get my feelings out - time to unload. They were patient and didn't push when my brain was on overload. I still remember the day I was diagnosed as Stage IIIc - we went to lunch after the appointment - the quietest time we three girls ever spent together:). I couldn't talk yet - just needed them.

My family (a big one and we are all neighbors) wanted to help but I needed to maintain my independence. I needed to do the laundry and take care of my house. During chemo, one load of laundry was an all day task but I did it. I just needed the assurance that I could take care of myself.

She will need you more - and you will be there. My parents, brothers, in-laws were wonderful - but I needed my sisters.

Hugs to you.

ohio4me

PS - I did need help during surgery, chemo and radiation. My family was there.

Travelingpants2

yep, we do chemo together, and have lunch or brunch after ward, and sometimes do some shopping ...we get the staff at the office cracking up ! and they love it when we come in. This makes a huge difference for both of us.

I knew something was serious before she did and she's an RN ! The docs just kept missing it since she was 30, shes to young for anything to be that bad, its just muscle pain, ect, ect..I INSITED she go in to the ER...It ended up she was picked up by ambulance (not by choice), and then they finally did MRI ect..(eveyone has similar stories im sure)...

BUT, She knew to pick up the document LONG before the doctors called, and THATS when she said..can you believe it..they are saying the tumors and spine fractures were stemmed from BC or Multiplemyoloma...WE STILL said NO...this had to be someone elses results...(ANYWAYS) I wont bore you with the same discussion...

HOWEVER...I just make us have everyday count like its any other day...and I listen when SHE wants to to talk about it. And help clean house when she DOES NOT want me to ! Do dishes when she sais I GOT IT! and help with the kids....I wish we were closer, it takes 40 minutes to get there, but we make it as much as we can..

HerSister

Thank you SheChirple.  Hugs are the only thing that does help (even cyber ones).  And, I'm {{hugging}} you right back - I know they are needed on the journey you are on.

ilovemysis

Thank you all so much for all your amazing support.  It really means so much.  She has been doing extremly well considering operations, appts, etc. Or at least, she's not letting it slow her down.  She starts A/C chemo tomorrow.  I've been sitting here for 5 minutes trying to figure out what to type next. I guess I'm kind of speechless. This is what is frusterating. I feel so bad that my emotions just aren't coming out right. I'm so numb. I Love my sister. She is my best friend. She's my everything. I know she is going to do wonderfully. The thought of the road she will have to travel breaks my heart. I wish I could do it for her. Being there is what everyone tells me to do, and that's what I do. Happily. I just wish I could do more. My feelings for her are so strong and I just don't feel like they are getting through. I feel helpless and I just don't want to let her down.  But reading your posts ease me. Thank You.