1 year check up

2miraclesmom

So, I have my one year check up coming up on Mon. I guess I never really dealt with the emotions of being diagnosed Stage 3 straight out of the gate, that now that I am coming to the end of treatment and my 1 yr check up is next week, that it is really hitting me. All I can think about is, I was diagnosed to young. My youngest is only 5 and will I even make it to see my grand-kids by her? I know great strides have been made but the fact is, will I make it another 50 years to my 90th birthday? To my 80th? Will I even make my 60th? Breast cancer is not considered to run in my family. My great-grandmother had it and eventually scummed to it at the age of 92. (she was diagnosed later in life and only had to deal with it twice. The second time was in her pancreas and that is when she finally passed.) My mom and my grandmother have never had it and both of my BRACA's were negative. So I guess I was just lucky. Being diagnosed at 37, how many times am I going to have to deal with this? I am extremely stressed and very worried about the check up. Is asking for another 13 yrs to much? At least then my daughter will have graduated high school. But what about college and her wedding? How much of my life are my kids going to miss out on? Ugh. I am making myself sick. I can't sleep, I am nauseous. I feel like I was just diagnosed instead of a year ago. How do I handle this?

jackboo09

Hi 2miraclesmom

I was dx aged 41 and my children were 10 and 8. I had my one year anniversary from dx on 27th Feb 2012, so I am now 18 months post dx.

Anniversarys are associated with celebration, but also remember here they are a stark reminder of what we have been through, so its no wonder much of this trauma is flooding back to you right now. There is no time limit on processing all this crap so do not give yourself a hard time if you are still struggling. I would guess that there isnt one single woman on these boards that can say they have totally forgotten/put this behind them without a second thought.

Another point is that you are facing a check up and the panic is probably setting in. I felt the same in March 2012 when I had my 1 year mammo (with a horrible tech who was totally unsympathetic!) I am hoping that clear results will help to relieve some of the anxiety you are feeling.

I would consider asking for some help from your doctors regarding your anxiety. Nobody can function properly with such extreme distress and remember its not like you are signing up for anto anxiety meds for life; you are in control. And/or talking to someone might be a good idea.

Regarding our kids: I have just returned from an amazing holiday with my family in London; soaking up all the post Olympics atmosphere. Like you I regularly think about not seeing various milestones in my kids lives (weddings etc) However, going there just spoils the here and now and that would not be fair on them or me. It sounds easy to say but you must not let BC ruin your here and now. You had the best treatment possible and you did your best. I see that you are Her 2 and so presume you had Herceptin for 1 year. Im no expert but that improves your chances of recurrence a great deal,

I wish you all the best and hope in some small way I may have helped.

2miraclesmom

Thank you Jackboo. One thing I have decided is to move. I had always planned on moving to Florida when I retired and my son started college. My son starts college on Mon, but because of the cost of all of these treatments, I am now a LONG way off from retirement, but have decided to move anyway. So we are planning to move this winter. I also want to do some traveling with my kids. The problem is my daughters dad refuses to let me take her out of the country. I would love to go spend time in another country with my kids. It would be such a great experience for them. 

 I am trying so hard to live in the here and now. It is just so hard when I am almost always close to tears. One thing on my bucket list is to finish my BS in Mathematics. I will do that this fall. I also want to put together a book and video dialogue for my daughter. Just in case she gets it (even though my BRACA's were both negative and my mom and grandmother have not had it), and I am not here to go through it with her,  she will have those. I have also considered talking to an attorney to have my parental rights transferred to my bestfriend upon my death in case something happens before my daughter turns 18. Then again, maybe her dad will grow up by then. lol oh well. Time to go cuddle with my baby.

jackboo09

Check out the triple positive thread. Although this doesnt apply to you, there is a link on there posted by Lago. It is an article about recurrence rates. The study didnt take into account Herceptin or hormone therapy, yet the recurrence rates at 5 years are very encouraging. If you are hormone negative then your chances of a late recurrence (post 5 years) are extremely low. This is not the case for ER+ like myself as the estrogen can still have a bearing on outcome.

I understand your need to be there for your children but there really is a very good chance that you have beaten this thing and wont have to worry about it ever again. How old is your daughter? Will you show her the video diary/journal. Forgive me for speaking my mind, but wont this add worry in the here and now for her? Its impossible to shield our kids from the realities of cancer during tx because of side effects but my approach is that I have a duty to distance myself and Jack and Lucy as far away from cancer as possible. Kids crave normality and ultimately that is what I am trying to do.

Dealing with an awkward ex must be so difficult, especially when you have a dream to live in another country. I think your decision to move is very sensible. Im sure it will help you to have a fresh start as there will be memories of what you have been through in your present house. Also, moving will be a pretty big distraction!

Keep me posted on how you are doing and chat anytime.

Liz