Single, 35, Post-Cancer/Recon, Trying to Date, Body Image Issues

mikainsb

Cancer.

I lived.

I should be happy.

But now, multiple surgeries later (I had a complicated problem), two sets of chemo and one set of radiation, nearly a year out, I am finding my real struggle beginning. And it's a body image struggle.

I am 35, with small rebuilt breasts, fatter than I have ever been, with a stupid hair style as I desperately wait for decent length hair, feeling very single, terribly misshapen and horribly unattractive.

The combination of being strikingly aware of the ticking clock, extraordinarily tired of being alone, and feeling horribly misshapen and unattractive is a mean residual of cancer.

I don't know how to get past this. I don't know how to go to networking events to meet people when nothing I own fits and the idea of shopping somewhat terrifies me. Nothing like seeing, from three directions the scars, the bulges where there shouldn't be any and the crevices where none existed before.  Or realizing I am two
sizes bigger in pants and two sizes smaller in tops.  Or standing at networking events with tons of women with nice "cleavage" shirts.

I don't know how to feel good about myself when in reality I think I look like crap. I want my smaller size, double-d body back. I don't want to be a misshapen big-sized, A-cup anymore. (Implants are not an option due to how my body reacted to the radiation.) It is 90 degrees out today and there is no way I will leave my house without wearing something constricting and hot to smooth out my funky contours.

Help.

How can I get to feeling ok?

2miraclesmom

I understand how you feel. I was a size 2/4 before and a 34DD. Now I am finally back into a 6 (down from a solid 8) and am barely an A cup. Shopping sucks! I am trying to figure out how to "dress" my new body. My hair is what I lovingly call "my butch haircut". Before, it was almost to the small of my back. I feel like the cancer has aged me. I look in the mirror and see wrinkles that were not there before. I now have gray hair growing in and I am very alone. I had a DIEP flap done and the left side of my waist is larger then the right side. All of the weight I gained went into my butt and thighs. Like you I have switched from being big on top and small on bottom to small on top and big on bottom. 

I don't really have any words of wisdom for you. I just didn't want to feel like you were alone. It will take time, but I know we will get there. One day at a time even though I want to go so much faster! 

Today is a yr since I heard those fateful words, "its cancer". I am slowly healing and so will you. I will say that within the past month I have dropped 10 lbs without even trying. It just fell off! I do know that in order for us to find that someone special, we have to be happy with ourselves. It is going to take time. Something I really do not have the patience for, but these are the cards I was dealt and I am going to play the best hand that I can. 

Lou10

I can relate even though my situation is different: I had a lumpectomy, I'm a decade or so older, and I'm not interesting in dating these days. I'd just like to feel more like myself again. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think who is that woman?!

I gained weight during chemo, some of which has stayed with me. And my hair looks atrocious as I try to grow it out again (it was long). I'm on tamoxifen but probably switching to an AI because of bad SEs, so who knows what will happen to both my weight and my hair. And it doesn't help one's body image being depressed from the meds or other things.

For what it's worth ... I try to wear something unique or joyful. I sometimes wear a small bright tie thingy in my hair (I have a few that came with headgear I bought during chemo). My theory is the tie thingy will be the focus rather than my mangy hair. Or I wear a pair of my "happy socks", which are great conversation starters. I'm also trying hard not to compare myself to my previous self, and to learn from women of less-than-perfect shapes and sizes who seem confident strutting their stuff.

Hang in there. 

amyc917

i am struggling with the same issues. i had a unilateral mastectomy, and now i have a tissue expander. i need radiation before i can do my final reconstruction. so i will have this tissue expander in for quite a few more months. When i get dressed and put on make-up and stuff i look more or less like i did before. my weight has stayed more or less stable (i lost about 10 lbs, and gained most of it back after chemo and surgery). My hair looks pretty good short, especially when i do my eye make-up right, and i get lots of compliments... compliments from people who don't know that i have been going through cancer treatment for the past year... so i know they aren't sympathy compliments, or "you look good for having cancer" compliments. these compliments make me feel good, but then i think about what they might say if they saw what i look like under my clothes, and a feel quite bad. i have a big scar across my abdomen from liver resection. my abdomen is also covered in bruises from the lovenox shots i have to give myself every day. and then there is my left breast (or should i say there WAS my left breast). now its rock hard, with a big scar, no nipple, stretched skin, weird concave areas in my armpit and chest just above the temporary implant. while i once looked okay naked, i now look quite un-okay. how can i ever expect anyone to love or desire what i've got going on under my clothes?