Feeling pretty good until daughter unfriended me on FB

hap_k

Hi All,

It's not like things have always run smoothly between me & my daughter (my only child), but this broadsided me. Maybe I should add that I am a Family Therapist so I have the training and expereince to deal with some weird stuff that happens in families. This incident isn't going to flatten me (and at some level I should have expoected it, but I was absorbed with the cancer and didn't see it coming). I thought I would share because this may happen to others who are newly diagnosed with BC. I gather from some of the posts, that people--even close family--can often react very badly to the cancer news.

Monday I visited the breast cancer surgeon for the first time to get the ball rolling. Tuesday morning I though my daughter (in her early 40s) might call, but her life is a whirl so I didn't think much of it and went ahead with my day. While I was on FB I posted my Pretty Good News (PGN) about the doctor visit (not all the details which I was saving for closest people like my daughter). I posted for my small circle of family & friends on FB (not the couple hundred my daughter has). Within an hour my daughter had picked a fight (only I won't fight which makes her "really angry"), and Unfriended me on Facebook. Telling me by text, "Do not ever call me, send FB messages, or emails again. That being said I love you and will be by your side to slay dragons." 

Now a week ago, she was sobbing that I might have cancer (after the Bi-rads 5 prognosis) and was way more upset than I was. I had to talk her down. Then on the day I got my path results and tried to let her know it indeed was ICD & Grade 3, she was busy with her friends. I thought OK. That's the way she needs to deal with this. No problem. 

Can you imagine  the look on my face when she flamed & unfriended me on FB. WTF? My husband (he didn't know her as a small kid) says, "It's going to keep happening. You keep repairing things; she keeps knocking it down. Her life is all about drama; yours is not. She enjoys creating mountains and imagining affronts where there are none, you do not. When you don't give her enough drama, she will make you the drama and complain about you to other people. Complaining about you is almost as much fun as complaining about her boyfriend. You should tell her the Jack Nicholson line from "As Good As It Gets"--"Go sell crazy somewhere else; we're all stocked up here."

But when it's your daughter that you love, hope springs eternal. 

The moral of story: there is no script for how people should behave in the face of cancer. They will react as is in their nature to react, cancer or no cancer. The trick is to reserve our strength for dealing with the cancer, and let friends and family sort themselves out. Even our children, if they are adults, are repsonsible for their own feelings and WE can't rescue them from those feelings. Not now. We need less stress, less drama, more focus on surrounding ourselves with positive energy. Doesn't mean we stop loving those who are confused or angry, we just do it from a safe distance. Boundaries.

Hap 

Blessings2011

Hap - so sorry to hear about your cancer dx....wishing you the best in your treatment.

Your husband is a smart man.

You're right, it's hard when it's family acting out, but your final paragraph says it all.

Boundaries.

hap_k

Thanks Blessings! Yes, I meant to add the word "boundaries"--says it all in a nutshell. Thanks for reminding me.

Hap

Dakota212

Sometimes u have to live by boundaries and it the hardest lesson learned. I am still trying......

Cindi74

hap+K  You didn't mention whether you have other children.  I have a daughter, 50, who has a severely autistic son of 10.  About five years ago, before facebook, I got the "don't ever call this number again" when my daughter was going through a bad time.  It makes me sound like a bad mother, but, since I have two other children who seem to think I am a good mother,  I long ago gave up worrying about it.  I try to keep the door open.  Send birthday presents and Christmas presents to children and parents.  Adore the son-in-law and seem to have a good relationship with him.  The oldest son, 13, spends a week with me each summer, and we are as close as possible under the circumstances. 

She and family did come spend a couple of days with me after diagnosis because they were picking up the son.  No discussions.  I have not heard from her since as surgery and treatment is starting.  My other two are quite supportive with calls, visits, little thoughtful notes or e-mails.  I am very close to daughter-in-law. 

i know this can tear your heart out, but let me assure you, it isn't you.  Sometimes daughters just act that way.  I feel mine is so busy dealing with her own problems that she hasn't time for anyone else.  I keep her posted, along with six stepchildren and cousins, and friends.  Perhaps someday we can be friends again.  God bless you.  Isn't bc.org wonderful for those burdened with this horrid diisease and treatment.

Infobabe

Cindi74

Not just daughters.  My son unfriended me too.  It means a lot less drama in the household since we aren't talking.  

I too have a younger son with whom I am very close.  God gives us kids like him to show we are not total screw-ups.

dlb823

Hap, I'm so sorry about your dx and this hurtful experience with your daughter, but I've come to realize that our dx impacts our family members way more deeply than we may realize initially.   And although it in no way excuses her hurtful actions, I guess I can see how the double whammy of learning you have bc, then casually getting details on FB about your appt with your BS would have really upset her.  Plus -- anger is such a normal reaction when you feel helpless, as our family members surely do.

Her comment about loving you and being by your side makes me believe that it's just the way you let others who are not as close as a daughter feels to her Mother (no matter what your prior hx) know details before you told her that upset her.  She obviously loves you very much, but it sounds like she was just frustrated with getting news on FB that has a profound affect on her -- especially as an only child -- on top of the world-turning-upside-down news of your dx.  

My heart goes out to you both, and I hope you can each be there for each other now.     Deanna